I'mME
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2 years ago •
Sep 3, 2022
RestrainedJane wrote: Hi RiverT. I am also a newbie to BDSM and went through a very similar experience back in July when I was in CA. On Bumble, I matched with a nice looking man my age who said he had a "few kinks" on his profile. I couldn't shut down my curiosity (probably because I have always had fantasies about being tied up or held down) and asked "What kinks?" in my first message. uh boy. It was off-to-the-races for me from there -- 3-plus days of one of the most intense experiences of my life. Like you, I experienced very bad drop upon returning home to MD and the CA guy , who turned out to be a very good person, even talked me through it over the phone by giving me tasks (some quite kinky) to pull me away from sinking deeper into a bad headspace. My understanding is that drop is a little like withdrawl. Our bodies responded to painful simuli by pumping out endorphins which made us float; when that stopped, we dropped.
Since joining The Cage, I've met a few other people who have been really great about helping me to understand who I am BDSM-wise better, as well as how to proceed safely -- one great guy I even met in person recently. We decided we weren't a good match for D/s, but that we should stay friends for life. So here's my advice -- newbie to newbie. Hang out on here and get to know some people, subs and Doms, who you can tell have your best interests at heart. I'm finding The Cage to be a really great place to learn and possibly even meet someone I can have a long-term romantic relationship with, but I'm trying to take my time about it since it is all still very overwhelming. From what I can tell, it may take months or longer to figure out what we like and if you want power exchange to extend beyond the bedroom in any way. Finally, remember to take Maya Angelou's advice: "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Just listen to your gut and walk away from anyone who makes you feel bad, unsafe, or uncared for. If we expect the best, I bet we will get it. Don't you agree? Happy trails! Jane RestrainedJane, My wish for you is to not meet any more strangers from online in person and let them restrain you. |
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| FlyingAlan(dom male) |
2 years ago •
Sep 3, 2022
I have often told new subs that more than likely they will fall in love with the first Dom that really turns them on or scratches that itchy. It's hard not to have feelings for someone that all of the sudden "Gets you" after so many others that didn't have a clue. It's hard not to be attached when all of the sudden, so many of your questions are answered, I "thought" i was submissive, but that Dom just made me quite sure of it. How can you NOT be attached to someone that meshes with you ??? That's just the emotional side of things.
Sub drop is a physical reaction to endorphin dump and can really hit at almost anytime. I recently had someone experience sub drop almost 2 days after the fact. Recently I have been fortunate enough to spend time with someone that is more on the slave end of the spectrum. To a slave, the serving and the submission fulfills them more than the sexy time. Several of the things you sort of expressed def sounded like what a lot of slaves feel. I am NOT saying your a slave, what I am saying is that the feelings you had are not uncommon at all. Someone really tickled your submissive gene, and you want more. Nothing wrong or abnormal about that at all. Not in this group anyway ROFL |
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Zelia
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2 years ago •
Sep 3, 2022
I think are a few layers to this experience but I’m guessing based on the information you posted so could be wrong. Select anything useful and disregard the rest.
You describe your relationship as casual, lots of people enjoy casual play sessions. I don’t know if you have discussed limits and safewords with your partner, if you haven’t do think about it, it’ll help keep you safe. I wonder how much you have talked about what you both enjoy in your play or reflected on the play you’ve described in your writing to pinpoint what He enjoyed and did engage in fully, as opposed to the aspects where He was simply fulfilling a role for you. I ask this because you said He wasn’t immersed in the role. These simple conversations may help you grow together and enjoy future play sessions. It’s perfectly normal for someone to enjoy a play session like the one you describe and then revert to previous roles, that you describe as vanilla, in the way that He did. This is what seems to have caused you to feel resentment and upset. Perhaps the floaty feeling and love you describe is akin to sub frenzy mixed with sub space, a first intense play session could induce these feelings. The release of having what you have wanted or craved for some time, alongside the release of hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin and cortisol can be intoxicating. When you realised that He didn’t want to maintain the role of Dom with you the next day your expectations didn’t match His and your mood crashed. The ‘high’ you felt dissipated and your body ‘crashed’. It might have been sub drop. Your body struggles to replace all the hormones you released during play quickly enough and your mood is effected, often quite dramatically. Understanding the physiological cause can help you deal with that. It can happen after any kind of play or task; physical, or psychological. Since you have dipped your toes into more intense play and enjoyed it I’d encourage you to do some research into safe play, limits, sub frenzy, sub space, drop, aftercare and to set a safeword. These are good starting points and there’s a lot of information available. The magazine articles here may be a useful starting place and the checklist. If you want to keep playing with the same partner it would benefit you both to discuss what you enjoy, and the extent of the interaction as Top and bottom so that you each have clear expectations of what will happen following a play session. Knowing whether you want to play only during ‘sessions’ or whether you want more and to experience a degree of power exchange outside of sessions will come in time and with experience. If you enjoy something, then embrace it. It’s never as simple but it’s a worthwhile journey, good luck. |
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I'mME
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2 years ago •
Sep 3, 2022
Alaïs wrote: I think are a few layers to this experience but I’m guessing based on the information you posted so could be wrong. Select anything useful and disregard the rest.
You describe your relationship as casual, lots of people enjoy casual play sessions. I don’t know if you have discussed limits and safewords with your partner, if you haven’t do think about it, it’ll help keep you safe. I wonder how much you have talked about what you both enjoy in your play or reflected on the play you’ve described in your writing to pinpoint what He enjoyed and did engage in fully, as opposed to the aspects where He was simply fulfilling a role for you. I ask this because you said He wasn’t immersed in the role. These simple conversations may help you grow together and enjoy future play sessions. It’s perfectly normal for someone to enjoy a play session like the one you describe and then revert to previous roles, that you describe as vanilla, in the way that He did. This is what seems to have caused you to feel resentment and upset. Perhaps the floaty feeling and love you describe is akin to sub frenzy mixed with sub space, a first intense play session could induce these feelings. The release of having what you have wanted or craved for some time, alongside the release of hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin and cortisol can be intoxicating. When you realised that He didn’t want to maintain the role of Dom with you the next day your expectations didn’t match His and your mood crashed. The ‘high’ you felt dissipated and your body ‘crashed’. It might have been sub drop. Your body struggles to replace all the hormones you released during play quickly enough and your mood is effected, often quite dramatically. Understanding the physiological cause can help you deal with that. It can happen after any kind of play or task; physical, or psychological. Since you have dipped your toes into more intense play and enjoyed it I’d encourage you to do some research into safe play, limits, sub frenzy, sub space, drop, aftercare and to set a safeword. These are good starting points and there’s a lot of information available. The magazine articles here may be a useful starting place and the checklist. If you want to keep playing with the same partner it would benefit you both to discuss what you enjoy, and the extent of the interaction as Top and bottom so that you each have clear expectations of what will happen following a play session. Knowing whether you want to play only during ‘sessions’ or whether you want more and to experience a degree of power exchange outside of sessions will come in time and with experience. If you enjoy something, then embrace it. It’s never as simple but it’s a worthwhile journey, good luck. Alïas, [I discovered how to mark the I for your name on my phone keyboard, 🐾😌] You hit all good points. |
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I'mME
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2 years ago •
Sep 3, 2022
I'mME wrote: Alaïs wrote: I think are a few layers to this experience but I’m guessing based on the information you posted so could be wrong. Select anything useful and disregard the rest.
You describe your relationship as casual, lots of people enjoy casual play sessions. I don’t know if you have discussed limits and safewords with your partner, if you haven’t do think about it, it’ll help keep you safe. I wonder how much you have talked about what you both enjoy in your play or reflected on the play you’ve described in your writing to pinpoint what He enjoyed and did engage in fully, as opposed to the aspects where He was simply fulfilling a role for you. I ask this because you said He wasn’t immersed in the role. These simple conversations may help you grow together and enjoy future play sessions. It’s perfectly normal for someone to enjoy a play session like the one you describe and then revert to previous roles, that you describe as vanilla, in the way that He did. This is what seems to have caused you to feel resentment and upset. Perhaps the floaty feeling and love you describe is akin to sub frenzy mixed with sub space, a first intense play session could induce these feelings. The release of having what you have wanted or craved for some time, alongside the release of hormones such as dopamine, adrenaline, endorphins, oxytocin and cortisol can be intoxicating. When you realised that He didn’t want to maintain the role of Dom with you the next day your expectations didn’t match His and your mood crashed. The ‘high’ you felt dissipated and your body ‘crashed’. It might have been sub drop. Your body struggles to replace all the hormones you released during play quickly enough and your mood is effected, often quite dramatically. Understanding the physiological cause can help you deal with that. It can happen after any kind of play or task; physical, or psychological. Since you have dipped your toes into more intense play and enjoyed it I’d encourage you to do some research into safe play, limits, sub frenzy, sub space, drop, aftercare and to set a safeword. These are good starting points and there’s a lot of information available. The magazine articles here may be a useful starting place and the checklist. If you want to keep playing with the same partner it would benefit you both to discuss what you enjoy, and the extent of the interaction as Top and bottom so that you each have clear expectations of what will happen following a play session. Knowing whether you want to play only during ‘sessions’ or whether you want more and to experience a degree of power exchange outside of sessions will come in time and with experience. If you enjoy something, then embrace it. It’s never as simple but it’s a worthwhile journey, good luck. Alïas, [I discovered how to mark the I for your name on my phone keyboard, 🐾😌] You hit all good points. I'm sorry I cut myself off. I would use top to describe the OP's words of her partner. What say you? By her description. |
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Zelia
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2 years ago •
Sep 3, 2022
At present in the situation described He does seem to have engaged in the role of a Top, it could be that it’s just the beginning of exploration and with time it’ll change, but then again He may have no interest in furthering a power exchange.
You found the ï 😅 |
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| RiverT{Not lookin} |
2 years ago •
Sep 3, 2022
Thank you! And Alais (I can't find the i
 ) you're absolutely right about needing to communicate more. This is hard for me while I'm emotionally wrecked and not sure when and how to feel better; but I guess it's a journey... I just wish there was a clear map or a 'user manual' for emotional side of kink - I'm a major control freak and not knowing what lies ahead really stinks for me.
I've read most of the articles here, and will continue reading, in the future I'd rather learn from others than from my own mistakes. I'm thinking maybe to have him read this topic, it could help figure ourselves out better. Thank you all for the inputs, it really helped 
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RestrainedJane
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2 years ago •
Sep 3, 2022
Loving BDSM I'mME wrote: @RiverT,
All good advice. You should make sure to either attend some BDSM 101 classes , read articles, read forum questions, whether they are open or not. Aftercare is a word you may want to pay attention to, what your aftercare looks like, what you require after play. I have found this podcast called “Loving BDSM” hugely helpful for “learning the ropes” so to speak. https://lovingbdsm.net/ It’s hosted by really cool D/s married couple who give great advice and have helped me to feel much better about being kinky. They have a page of resources for newcomers on their website, as well as links to their own podcasts that provide good intro info. |
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MasterBear(other butch)
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2 years ago •
Sep 7, 2022
Sounds like sub drop to me. Normal. Now you can start looking at how you can get ahead of it next time.
Cool off period Aftercare Emotional grounding Self care |
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