The right pairing for mentorship?

The right pairing for mentorship?

primerose • Nov 2, 2022

What are the benefits and drawbacks of Doms mentoring Doms, subs mentoring subs, and vice versa? IE - Subs mentoring brand new Doms etc

And how common is it for mentors to enter into a dynamic with mentees while educating the mentee?

Thanks!

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2022

My Sir and I were just discussing this topic. My opinion is that it’s best for Doms to mentor Doms and subs to mentor subs. As my Sir puts it, a Dom can train a sub to be his perfect sub but not another Dom’s. I also think there’s a huge potential for a submissive to get attached to her mentor and there is the risk of a mentor taking advantage of having a submissive for the fun stuff without the responsibility part of it.

I was approached recently by a Dom who wanted me to mentor him. I told him there were two reasons I couldn’t. One was that my service is to my Sir only and the other because I have no idea how to mentor a Dom. How do you mentor someone to be something you’re not?

For new submissives trying to learn, I think going to other more experienced submissives is safer and more helpful. It’s just way too easy to run into the wrong type of man when you’re new and you don’t know much.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 2, 2022

Depends on what you want and need.

Mentoring can quickly become an abusive and manipulative situation.

In the right circumstances a mentor can be a great thing.
However, it is critical that the mentor be the right person and without an agenda.

I dont mentor.

Talk- sure
Advise- yes
Teach- ok

But my goal is to help that person grow into the D type that they want to be.

I ask questions.
Because- my other goal is to create independence.

Great question!

primerose • Nov 2, 2022

Butterflies - "How can you mentor someone to be something you're not?" Thats a really good point. Teaching someone to be the right fit for you but not someone else is also interesting. Thanks.

primerose • Nov 2, 2022

A mentor or teacher creating independence is definitely food for thought... Thanks!

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 2, 2022

As alluded to above, "...it depends on the mentor/mentee"-- Pretty much a case-by-case basis.

The one seeking to be mentored should go in with a fair idea of how they want to go about this, with a mentor there to advise and guide.

It should not be the case of a raw noob with an "experienced" dominant or sub because therein lies a tendency to adopt/be expected to adopt the views and actions of the more experienced half of each equation.

In other words there is a risk of the less experienced one being too impressionable, and let's face it, no one is perfect, and one dominant or sub's personal tastes and even hang-ups aren't necessarily another's and a "mentee" should be able to take what works and leave the rest.

After all, these dynamics are interpersonal relationships for which there is no one, exact "right" way to do it.

I mean, mentoring is great if you want to be a plumber, but if one wants to be a great dom or sub, take a variety of opinions, follow the heart, and always be prepared for dialogue and compromise.

.. and be ready for the reality that, despite one's best efforts, shit flows downhill.

The wise mentor is the one who suggests that in such a poorly scented scenario, the only thing to do is pick yourself up, dust (or wipe) yourself off, and try again. Lightning rarely strikes twice and no two farts smell the same.

ozark hiker girl​(sub female){Owned by E} • Nov 3, 2022

The way I've done things is not the way for everyone. I didn't go looking for a Dom mentor as a new sub, but I was open to the possibility. E reached out to me shortly after I joined this site. His profile was very laid back, informative, and not creepy in any way - I didn't feel uncomfortable asking him questions. And that was his offer, that he would be happy to answer questions that I had.

We proceeded over time to form a dynamic between us, and I guess terminology would be more "training" than mentoring. E warned me that I could develop strong feelings for him, but I went in with eyes wide open. We have love for each other, but we are not IN love, and we're both ok with that. Yes, sex has been a large part of our dynamic, along with submission, and he has helped me figure things out - but it's always him offering to try things, and me accepting or declining, and me making the decisions about who I am as a submissive. He is my guide

I couldn't "mentor" a new Dom, I'm not experienced enough AND I feel like a Dom might need more from a Dom than from a sub.

I think that an experienced sub would make a great mentor for a new sub. It would definitely be safer than trying to find a good Dom when you don't really know what good is. But I wouldn't rule out the Dom/sub dynamic for a newbie either. It works for me, you just have to find the right person.

My two cents.

B L O N D I E​(sub female) • Nov 3, 2022

I could not mentor a dominant. I've written about this before, but to me, dominance means leadership and I as a submissive would be putting myself in a leadership role by mentoring the dominant. This would be the ultimate topping from the bottom and absolutely NOT what I'm looking for as a submissive. I think the only people who can properly mentor dominants are other dominants. That's just my opinion.

niceguywithaplan​(dom male) • Nov 4, 2022

My humble opinion is that anyone seeking knowledge and advice in this lifestyle is to be admired. So many newbies enter this world with the misunderstanding that within minutes of meeting a potential sub or dom that it will be all whips and chains oh my.
I have found that the best experiences come after much discussion and building of trust. So, back to the topic, if a sub is seeking another sub's advice on how to improve etc. I can only believe that would be a positive thing. Learning from someone who has been there, who has lived through common mistakes etc. Same thing with a dom teaching or guiding another dom. I think that can only benefit all involved as it may lesson the chance of serious mistakes being made and as a dom, there are many responsibilites one has to the safety and well being (both physically and mentally and emotionally), of their sub.

I would also imagine, quite often, if a dom is guiding a sub or a sub is guiding a new dom, that they most likely would become involved to some extent as it is sharing very intimate ideas and thoughts with another like-minded person. I imagine that would be very common to enter into a relationship with a mentor as the trust dynamic is very similar to the exchange a dom or sub would share with their regular counterpart.

I'll close by saying that in my humble opinion, anyone seeking knowledge from a trusted, experienced source is to be commended as they are trying to become a better sub or dom, which can only benefit the whole community.