Is there such a thing as a "Top" Woman?

Is there such a thing as a "Top" Woman?

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 18, 2023

Nothing in life seems strictly black or white to me, life is fluid? Though i have found some things in my life to have remained pretty constant, static even, such as being gay and total bottom. i was trapped in a belief system and married to a woman for half my life. During that time i had to play the role of "top,' but the experience and relationship taught me a lot, nothing is a total waste (by far), again, not black or white.

i didn't fully realize until after i had divorced and come to a place of self acceptance, but retrospectively, i have understood that part of the challenges my relationship had were because both my former wife and i were both bottom and 'sub.' Part of the reason i could sort of satisfy her sexually was because i could relate and had a kind of instinctual understanding of what she needed/wanted. But it really was role play, and inadequate for both of us because she "needed' a Top, Hetero, Dom Man... and i am none of those things. i'm a bottom, gay, sub guy.

Sorry for the long prelude. my query here is, i have come to think that there are "Tops, bottoms and versatile" with women, just like with men? i know, just labels and the label is not the person... not wanting to go there. To me, "labels" are just there to facilitate communication. What i am looking for is other peoples perceptions of this? Are there Women out there who perceive Themselves as "Total Tops" even aside from the Domme aspect? Wanting to know/understand thoughts and feelings on this from others, especially Women who identify as "Top" in some way or another?

Miki • Feb 18, 2023

There's seldom-- if ever-- any "100%" anything. As you said, there is no "black or white" except in binary language for computers: " 0 / 1" ) So IMHO there are likely no "total top" women any more than there are "total top" men-- as in "My way or Go Away". What guy doesn't like the cowgirl treatment or a rolling 69?

------Disclaimer: I cannot speak for gay men as I am just as far as you can get from being one.-----

And of course as a (albeit currently abstaining) bisexual woman, I'm the opposite. I swiftly get bored with being in the same position, even in a single "session".

"Total fluidity" anyone?

Sparklit​(switch female) • Feb 19, 2023

Are women, ya know, like...people? With all the complexities therein?

dollMaker​(dom male) • Feb 19, 2023

Your framework re top, bottom, versatile comes from a gay anal sex foundation, and within that there are those who don’t want that at all who are none of those, but still gay. So moving away from the anal sex basis of those terms if we look at it from a bdsm angle then there are sub/bottom/slave, switch, top/dom/master with switch being the manifestation of both sides of the slashes, but not necessarily dominant or submissive.

My own view is topping and bottoming is a mind set descriptor that can lack submission or dominance, just be purely about the activity, giving, or recieving (activities are neutral of intent) but can also be used to describe the action of submitting or being dominant, so one can bottom, or top from positions of dominance or submission - different headspace, intent to just being about the activity itself. Thats an over simplification, as manifestations of kink can be pretty complex, with all sorts of nuances, light and shade, and those certainly I feel will exist within the gay vanilla sphere too.

People are complicated but to answer your question, yes, why not, though within a gay anal context with a strap on again yes why not. Dominant, topping women exist, and I suspect with those suffering less dysphoria also trans women, though at a guess that might be much rarer.

tallslenderguy​(other male) • Feb 19, 2023

Indeed they are, sort of the point of my post. Apologies if i seemed to imply otherwise, it was not my intent.

While i wanted all to feel free to respond, i was hoping to hear from a Woman/Women who might identify as such. i should have been more nuanced in how i phrased my question.
Of course a Woman can be "Top," and by asking i was hoping they might respond and share about Their thoughts and feelings about what that means to Them.

While i am aware of dollMakers salient point that the terms "Top, bottom, versatile" are primarily (and commonly) used in the gay population, for me, the identifiers go beyond gays and anal sex. i was married to a woman for 31 years and, sexually, she was remarkably similar to me in many ways. i self describe as "total bottom with some sub" and she had many of the characteristics that came under those descriptors. Anal was never a factor with her, so i appreciate comments dollMaker made re "position" as well as how there can be overlap of D/s.

The descriptors are not perfect/complete... they never are, eh?, just using them as a starting place in hopes of individuals sharing their personal perceptions. i see Top, bottom, versatile as different from Dom, sub, switch, but also see overlap. i've also experienced Tops who are sub and Bottoms who are Dom, which really fucks with my vocabulary lol, because my perception is Dom is always Top, and sub is always bottom... but my reality is of course not universal.

Really just trying to get discussion on another angle, nuance of relationship, sorry i wasn't clearer with the semantics.

Sasa​(dom female) • Feb 20, 2023

There are all kinds of shades. For some, they are fixed, and for others they aren't to a certain kind of level. Same as for men... not really a surprise, no?

Curiousmind​(sub female){Owned} • Feb 20, 2023

Human nature is very complex. As others have mentioned there are all kinds of shades and personality nuances.

Personally, even though i am the happiest and most fulfilled sexually when i exist in a submissive mindset, there are times when i want to dominate. When and why it happens depends who i interact with. I am drawn to human energy and my behaviour is reflected by whom i am interacting with. If i feel the submissive energy within a person, I naturally take on a dominant role and i am happy to exist in that role for time being.
However, if a person i am with is a natural Dominant which i prefer, I naturally enter into a submissive mode. And it’s where i feel the most complete.

I have a very strong personality ( probably a combination of leo and tiger astrological signs) but at the same time i have a very caring, soft heart. May be because of those different personality traits, i see both sides of slash in me : Top and bottom, Dominant and submissive.