Vetting….

Miki • May 31, 2023

@dollmaker Never had the "need dough" thing happen to me, but then again I never searched online and now of course not searching at all.

I Haven't been since pre-Pandemic, for my own reasons.

But I still get occasional "vetting" questions from those who refuse to take "No" for an answer or think they can change my mind. Being evasive and refusing to answer is by far the MOST effective method I know of to get rid of unwanted attention and intentions.

All I am here for is the occasional conversational IMs and, of course, post my two cents on these forums. Absolutely nothing more.

(Hint for the Hard Headed: Want someone who is looking? Go to the Personals section)

--------------------------------

Anyway about that "need dough" bit. Anyone who starts getting that either online or IRL-- Walk away, don't even bother to say anything except: "Nice talkin' to ya. Sorry you are in a tough spot, but don't ask me. The bank is closer."

dollMaker​(dom male) • May 31, 2023

I allowed kindness to be exploited, I was an idiot, never ever again. I would say I have never gone about looking online, but some connections have formed and I was not closed off to that happening. The person who exploited me was clever, subtle and nothing untoward happened until a friendship (only friendship, nothing more) was formed, and was fairly solid. Only then did hard times start, medical issues, and a need for some aid to cover meds costs. A little here, a little there. It took me awhile to realise I was being manipulated, and milked. Once I said no, a few times, the friendship was over, it was at that point I realised I had been played.

Regarding vetting questions, I think those should only start if there is a mutual attraction, and beginnings of a connection that to go further requires both parties to be sure that there is solid ground to build on, and both parties to agree that more info is needed, and will be provided. Any randomer asking invasive questions certainly should be ignored or blocked.

autisticbarbie • Jun 1, 2023

Based on my experiences here with guys, if (hopefully when) I'm considering any relationship, vetting is going to have to be a group effort. I'm going to be asking people I know here to talk to them before I let someone own me. I don't know all the red flags with BDSM or vanilla relationships and I suck with people. I don't want to die this year, lmao.

VernonKingsville • Jun 1, 2023

always a good idea to open up your vetting procedures to trusted friends if you’re somewhat inexperienced or oblivious to the way that other people work

autisticbarbie • Jun 1, 2023

Dollmaker - I know people who have gotten ripped off on dating / various websites. Someone I know got ripped off on linkedin. They are highly organized pros and it's gross of them to prey on people. Sorry that happened though. Going forward, i'd maybe just make it a policy not to send anyone large amounts of money. Maybe put it in your profile?

I don't know how to advise about the money thing. In my culture, guys usually pay for everything, but I wouldn't dare ask an internet friend for cash if I was broke. There are so many other ways to make money without taking advantage of people.

Again I agree with Miki. I probably should just get that tattooed on my forehead at this point

zipties​(switch female) • Jun 1, 2023

My personal policy: no money is sent to any one for any reason. Nor will I cash a check for another for any reason.

It's not easy figuring out who is legit and who is not.

Be the turtle and go slow.
Become your own PI.
If it sounds to good to be true... it is.
Learn from your mistakes. Knowledge is power.
When in doubt phone a friend and run it by them.

Best of luck in this crazy online world.

Miki • Jun 1, 2023

@dollmaker.. Totally not your fault. I wouldn't be surprised if there were "classes" to teach aspiring swindlers what to say, how to say it and how to trot out the scheme. Definitely a Live and Learn for most.

I simply "lucked out" in that none I have known over the years either in here, other sites, or in person have asked for so much as a quarter for a phone. (Those are long gone so that might be it)

But while I trust people I have known a while, that trust only goes so far. Everyone is at arm's length or more.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

@submissivejewishgirl Tattooed on your forehead? Hell no don't ruin a pretty face! Anyway one other thing I left out. It might have been mentioned on earlier posts. (I am loath to read all posts on a long thread. It'll make my eyes more crossed than they already are, albeit slightly...) Anyway it is against site policy to ask for cash.. Even a shitty five bucks. Anyone who gets messaged by the Pillsbury "Dough" Boy with his grubby hands out should report such a request and the electronic pan-handler will get the Bum's Rush outta here.

As for the cultural thing that has the guy pick up the tab.. It's a tradition that's still alive for a lot of people. As for my heritage, I made it a point to know as little as possible about its customs, so I can't speak to what they do in Japan But personally, back when I dated, I insisted on seperate checks..

Hell I won't even let a dude open a door for me.

One tried that shit if memory serves, He was persistent until I indicated: "If I wanted to get boffed by a fucking bell-hop I'd skip the dinner and just go to the hotel."

He relanted and the balance of the date/night was great.

DeepEmbrace​(dom female) • Jun 2, 2023

Scammers:
I think any Dominant who has been in this long enough has been swindled. I know I have. Several other Dominants I know have. Noone wants to admit it because it can be embarrassing to admit that someone duped you. Hopefully, it happens once or maybe twice and then you don't ever let it happen again. Like people have said above, the scumbags who engage in swindling and milking money from other people are very, very, very good at it. You often won't know it happened to you until it is too late and they have disappeared.

Vetting:
Everyone has a different approach to vetting and this is due to the fact that everyone has a different level of risk tolerance. Some people run the equivalent of a CIA background check, others just want the basic info that would allow the police the best chance at catching whoever murdered them and dumped them in the Harbor, and others don't vet at all. It's a spectrum. I think some vetting approaches are waaaaaaaay too much, I think some vetting approaches are waaaaaaaay too little. If you are young, newer, and/or more naive no matter if you are new or young, then you probably need to do more extensive vetting because you don't know what to look for and you don't know the red flags yet and you don't know how to handle a situation yet; also, you probably need help vetting because again you don't know what you're even vetting for. If you are older, more experienced, and/or more worldly, then you probably can do less extensive vetting because you know what to look for, you know the red flags, and you know how to handle a situation. Yes, those are vast generalizations. Again, I think vetting is a spectrum and everyone is somewhere on it depending on their personal level of risk tolerance. And, arguably, I think having a safety team, safety call(s), and safety protocol(s) in place is much more important than vetting. But that is me. Everyone needs to figure out what works for them, what makes them feel safe and secure, and figure out their risk tolerance level.

In-person vs online:
We really need to get past this idea that people you meet in-person are safer than people you meet online. This is just not true. Noone can ever fully know what any other human being is thinking or capable of. No matter how you met them, where you met them, who knows them, who vouches for them, if someone wants to harm or kill you, then they can harm or kill you. It is dangerous to think "oh well I see Mark around at brunch and Tina knows him and says he is cool and I saw him at the convention and the workshop so he must be safe, right?" NO. Mark can be just as dangerous, rape-y, murder-y, and abusive as TarantinoTim from online could be. And, quite frankly, the people you should be worried about the most will probably never appear like you expect them to look. Serial killers and serial rapists, etc. don't rack up the counts they do by walking around in all black trench coats, driving a blood-covered white box van, with "i'll fuck you up and eat you" tatted across their neck. People are so busy looking for the wrong damn thing and thinking they can spot it that they cannot see the wolves in sheep's clothing right in front of them.

Whorgazmo​(sub female) • Jun 2, 2023

You can't scare the right person off. God...the shit I put my now deceased Dom through just so he could meet me. He did everything I asked him to. And that's why I ended up choosing him and moving over to him. He was an exceptional man.

sexycurves​(switch female) • Jun 3, 2023

I think people have different opinions as to what vetting means. Some say it's the equivalent to dating, others say it's the getting to know them before agreeing to a date.

I honestly don't know where I stand on vetting and what it means, but getting to know someone that you want to be more than friends with... I would probably chat to friends they mention and not just rely on what they're saying.

As for in person vetting, obviously I think I would find it easier to do as I can gauge much more about the person than I can online.

Either way, whatever vetting means to you, I'd advise taking your time. Ask away. Regular and random questions. Have conversations about nothing and everything.