Jealousy in a Mono-Poly dynamic

Jealousy in a Mono-Poly dynamic

DoseofCam​(sub female){Collared} • Dec 25, 2023

Hii everyone! Would you be interested in sharing feedback on how you handle the feeling of jealousy (if any experiences it of course) in a dynamic?

I’m usually not the “jealous type” and I never minded when my past partners wanted to date other people etc, but I have been struggling recently.


I figured it was because I have that babygirl mindset of wanting my Daddy all to myself :p although I would feel SO bad having this feeling because I know what I signed up for and like should I not be feeling this way??

Its usually a temporary feeling and then when I’m with Him is all good again 💀

Anyone know how to get rid of this temporary feeling? Or at least how to NOT feel guilty feeling jealous?

Bunnie • Dec 25, 2023

I think a lot of how you cope with it depends on how he responds when you tell him that you’re experiencing these feelings. Kind of like a feedback loop. It’s easy to get stuck in.
So, my first question is, how does he respond when you bring these feelings to his attention?

xaiverc​(dom male) • Dec 25, 2023

Much like BDSM, polyamory has different kinds/flavors. Let's start off by saying that polyamory isn't straight forward or simple. Often two people struggle with their emotions, to say nothing of what happens when a third joins. From what you've stated it sounds like you in a metamour, rather than that of a throuple. Personally I feel that metamour relationships take much greater effort and understanding from everyone involved (I am not claiming that throuples are free of issues, far from that). And as such you really need to have clear and consistent communication between yourself and your partner. Each coupling handles this differently, but what I see most often is that it's not handled at all. You and your partner need time, probably every day, but at minimum a few times a week, to communicate with one another. Not a text during lunch, or which chat during a commute. But real, dedicated time, where each person is able to speak _and be heard_. (Guys, I'm looking at us on this one.) If everything is going well, if neither party as an issue or concern, *still take the time*! Don't just say "I love you", tell them *why* you love them.

Now the BDSM lifestyle has its own twists and turns. Are you in a high, medium, or low protocol relationship? If high, then having specific times during which you can communicate openly/freely is an absolute must. Even those of us who “live 24/7 TPE” only work when both parties have a safe time/place to communicate feelings and explore reasons for those. This can be extremely difficult for male Doms (Dommes, you’re not off the hook here either). All too often we try to listen, but only manage to hear. And then quickly move into solutioning/problem solving. It takes so many of us well into middle age to learn. Stop, shut-up, and listen (not hear, listen). And keep silent until the other party is done speaking; AND REALLY LISTEN! Notice a theme here? For the sub/slave/little, you need to put extra effort in keeping that part of you OUT of the conversation. You both have to find a way to communicate as two consenting adults. When or both parties feel forced or manipulated

But your question was how to handle jealousy. Start with self examination. Why are you feeling more jealous this time than in the past? Are you getting less of his time? Is he being less attentive? Does he compare you to the metamour? In the end you need to have a conversation, and it is extremely helpful if you can articulate not only the what of your feelings; but also the why. Watch him as you try to communicate. Is he attentive? Does he exhibit active listening behaviors? Are words and actions congruent with one another?

The bottom line, jealousy is something *you* feel, but needs to be addressed and worked on by both of you. This is best done by realization, discussion, and action.

DeepEmbrace​(dom female) • Dec 29, 2023

A person should not feel guilty about feeling jealous because jealousy is just an emotion like any other emotion.

We CANNOT control that we experience any emotion be it jealousy or anything else; to experience emotions is only human. We CAN control how we react to and/or act on an emotion. That is the important part to focus on and work on.

Fuck feeling guilty about feeling an emotion. That doesn't make any sense as that is basically feeling guilty about being human.

Talk honestly with Your Dominant about how you are feeling... Jealousy is just an emotion and any good Dominant who is poly, non-monogamous, and/or ethically non-monogamous knows that, knows that it is common (and under-reported by submissives), and knows how to discuss and guide their submissive(s) through this.

The worst thing a submissive can do in a situation like this is not feel jealous, but HIDE the fact that they are experiencing jealousy.

Just talk with your Dominant.

EclecticRhetoric​(dom male) • Dec 29, 2023

I think you should hang out with male friends so you feel that fit is equal. Right now it's one sided. Your daddy wants to be around female company, so you enjoy your time with male company and you will see it's temporary and not something you should worry about. Your daddy may even show more interest in you.

If he doesn't that's fine because your not lonely worrying about what he is doing

violetta​(sub female) • Dec 30, 2023

I can relate to your feelings. I am in a open vanilla relationship, so I am not the jealous type either, but I want my Dom/Daddy to be exclusive with me 😂
Probably there is a reason for that, I also thought of the mindset, but overall the reason doesn't matter that much for me. I couldn't tolerate the jealousy feeling, and never felt guilty about it.
So the best for me was to talk about it with him (;

I'mME • Dec 30, 2023

OR, someone tried to wax poetically about compression. 🤣