Do Subs Have A Martyr Complex?

Bishop​(dom male) • Feb 12, 2024

I think having a "martyr complex" is different from doing something we said we would do that perhaps we didn't want to do at the time. Everyone wants to be valued, recognized, and appreciated for doing things, even the small stuff, but does that make a person a martyr? In my opinion, we do things in a relationship because we want to give ourselves freely to our partner, we find enjoyment and fulfillment in meeting our partners needs and desires (without compromising our boundaries or limits) and our partner finds enjoyment and fulfillment in doing the same. The "martyr complex" comes in when our motives change from our partner to ourselves, when we want to beat our chest and pronounce to the world, "See how good I am"...or even yell it to ourselves. I think of combat situation as an example; A team has been ambushed and the only way out is for someone to sneak around and try to divert the enemy's fire. Does the volunteer go from the premise of doing it because it's the right thing and it's to help his buddies, or does he volunteer with the idea that he could get some medal or pat on the back? I guess for me it boils down to the person's motives.

Susie Q{Daddy Ant} • Feb 12, 2024

I think that, sometimes, people think too much. I guess if a person is not happy being themselves, and seem to have a martyr complex, then yes find a way change to be happy.

However, if a person is happy as they are, and it’s hurting no one, why change? (Even if others think we are hurting ourselves.) Why must we be what others think is best? Psychoanalysis isn’t always a good thing. Some times it makes us believe we need to be ‘normal’ as defined by someone else.

I’m a very self aware person; and many aspects of my personality would freak others out, however I’m happy being me.

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

Well they don't have a scale to compare your answers to on this assessment but may have had one when the post at the website was still active.

Anyway, I answered the questions and came up with 4 that I was nothing like and 4 that I was exactly or mostly like. I guess that means I am 1/2 martyr ... lol!

The website seems like a really good one to utilize when needing relationship info and/or understanding yourself. I'll probably spend more time looking around to see what I can benefit from.

Some of the scenarios described were once me but are no longer me. I was glad to discover that.

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

Good thoughts creidsinn.

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

Thanks for your thought Bishop. Yes a martyr complex stems from selfishness. I agree.

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

Yes Miki, you are right about it being a destructive passive-aggressive behaviour.

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

Good thoughts Sincorrigible

lambsone • Feb 12, 2024

I agree with the motivation point that many of you stressed. I think that makes all the difference in whether our submission is pure or tainted/corrupted.

Irrelevant Admiral​(switch male) • Feb 13, 2024

If Submission is being done appropriately, there is no actual sacrifice occurring. This is because the Hierarchy of D/s dynamics is supposed to be as follows, 1: the sub's needs. 2: the dom's needs. 3: the dom's desires. 4: the submissive's desires.

What this equates to, if done correctly, is to basically always have the sub's needs met to begin with, and then always be incorporating the subs desires in with your own when looking at it from the perspective of a dom's responsibilities in the dynamic. This results in Surrender, not Submission.

The self sacrificing is typically more of a co-dependent enabler maladaptive trait, this can unfortunately lead to attaching self worth to people who aren't worthy of it and who will extort it for their on self gratification. This typically tends to show up in many more ways in a person's life than just D/s dynamics as well, jobs, friendships, social situations, ect. It usually stems form issues relating to sense of self worth and often (not always) related early life "independence training/conditioning" from parents. If you notice these specific tendencies in yourself, it may be worth seeking some light therapy about it cuz who knows, might be holding yourself back in more ways than you think.

If you want advice on healthy submission styles, i recommend looking in to Ms. Elle X and Eve Lupine on youtube, they have lots of great contextual videos on appropriate vs inappropriate submission styles. they get in to the good nitty gritty stuff too. They also carry a good reputation in the US scene as trainers and advice sources.

I'mME • Feb 13, 2024

Lambsone,

We all have things we can work on. We are human. Just be cautious of the tests online . You seem like you are a reflective person.