Emotions & Catching Feelings

Emotions & Catching Feelings

Sweet Escape​(sub female) • May 16, 2024

What importance do you think emotions play in BDSM? Controversial opinions welcome but don't ridicule or be nasty if you disgree with someone or I'll hunt you down. 🐻🫎

Ive seen so many Doms say that there's no need or desire to have an emotional attachment in a dynamic. Can anyone explain why or that perspective?

Without an emotional attachment, I couldn't submit or trust someone very deeply. Or even want to submit to them. Calling other subs: do you identify with this as well? Or nope?

Are there dynamics that actually have no love, affection, attachment etc and are basically like a business transaction?

Miki • May 16, 2024

As neither a dominant nor a sub, tough to answer besides "outside looking in"--- It likely depends on the individuals and while not a "business transaction" per se,(like many relationships, "love" and business do co-exist), the "usual" definition I came across with dominants is that showing emo can make them appear less alpha.

But mine are only observations of limited sample sizes.. while it's also tough to "love" a sub yet expect or demand service around the home at the very least, and their acceptance of their role.

So this whole reply might seem a nothingburger, and again with my limited sample size, none of the freak-sets I knew were married or inclined to be married and while emotion in a marriage is not a given, it does seem to me at least that a D/s dynamic might be just an agreement of "I do this, expect that" while sub might delight in "I will do this and abide by that."

Controversial, perhaps, but just what I observed in peers in my area involved in D/s arrangements.

Oh... and when things get "old" and predictable, one, the other, or both move on to the next greatest thing. From what I saw, none of these have the requirement or expectation of "long term"---- but of course, everyone's experiences are different and "Your Results May Vary."

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And while there will be other takes, those who disagree with me, etc... all part of the fun of none of us strictly pulled off the same roll of ass paper (variation on the "bolt of cloth" crap)

....and, well, in keeping with the directive to keep replies civilized, for my part on this thread I promise to not invite anyone to go fuck a duck.

Aquarius Dom​(dom male) • May 16, 2024

Oh golly gosh what a great question! Emotions and feelings are so often actually out of our control, as they are driven by so many factors! Desire, lust, attraction, time, depth of relationships etc.

But also please don’t forget the part hormones like serotonin, dopamine and oxytocin that flood through your body play into all of this! So the emotions and feelings you get at the start of a relationship or play scene may well change many times as the said hormones cause changes to the emotions and feelings you are experiencing throughout your body! Both in the moment and over time.

Yes there are dynamics that actually have no love, affection, attachment etc but they as all others are valid to, after all each relationship is crafted individually and designed to meet the needs of the participants!

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • May 16, 2024

I've played/engaged many times in a dynamic without any deep emotional attachment. It is very different to a dynamic which is more a relationship, but there still had to be trust, respect, and mutual understanding(discussion). And an assessment of consent.

Think of it maybe like.... You could actually have the most amazing sex on a one night stand (my only attempt at that was shit mind you 🤣), and yet not have that emotional engagement.

I thinks it's more a top /bottom thing though without the emotional attachment.

Solace​(dom male) • May 16, 2024

A work animal or pet can be trained to do all sorts of useful or even essential tasks to its owner. It will be cared for, maintained, and its health is a top concern for its owner. However, affection is not guaranteed or needed in the exchange.

Think of a slaver masters relationship to his stock of slaves. Their health and skillet are essential, increasing their value so they can worth the maximum price is important. Again though, affection is not part of the deal.

These views are not my preference. Personally they seem to fit more into dynamics that enjoy degradation or the slave mentality. I've come across a few ladies profiles and spoken to a few who have indicated this is the sort of arrangement they are seeking but if I'm being frank it seems few and far between.

I see far more ladies who get involved because they are searching for someone who will take the time to treat them like a musical instrument. Oiling the wood, tuning the strings and learning to play a symphony unique to the two of them. In these types of dynamic it seems more natural to expect an emotional connection. Its a very romanticized version of BDSM and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Part of existing in this broad collection called BDSM though is sorting through everyone else's eclectic tastes to find the ones which match your own.

Eveonna​(masochist female){none} • May 16, 2024

You can have a great friendship of companionship without being too attached but still be free but you need those feelings together and connection with emotions because one would be lost without it.  Everyone deserves great respect. I have seen relationships with no love even short but they do not last long some get hurt or get over it.  But with passion and pain you still have a connection of love and trust even if it's short or long.  Be selective what company you have, you have the right to what you want. If it does not feel right you can decline.   If Sub has hurt leg and they need to speak up. Dom needs to take the responsibility to take them to the doctor. Feelings do matter or people go into a deep depression and isolate themself because people need friends and be social, be treated well and feel appreciated both ways. They are hiding you, which is not cool either.  But if they like the no feeling, good luck to them. Just one has to go through the experience of their choice of what is going to be in the next. I just don't like someone hurt go through it. But be the way you want to be treated and speak up for you rights. The hunter is to cute give her some treats.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • May 16, 2024

I have the same feelings, Minx.

The emotional connection is so important to me. I need to know I’m loved and cared for, especially considering some of the activities that I enjoy. I need to know my Dom cares about me not just physically but emotionally, and I of course want to give that love back. But then I’m an unapologetically romantic masochist sub. A Dom that can be strict and cruel, but then romantic, supportive, and loving is an amazing combination.

Sir Don​(dom male) • May 16, 2024

So this is only my opinion
If one seeks online only emotions can be limited because it will not be a face to face thing.

If you are play partners but nothing else then emotions can probably be nixed to a point. Other than the aftercare not much more.

But if you want 24/7 then I think emotions will become a part of the dynamic as a deeper connection is made.

Bunnie • May 17, 2024

This is where my concept of the difference between “submission” and “surrender” comes into play. I can submit quite easily… it’s natural. I obey.
Surrendering, however, comes from my heart and soul, and that is a whole other ballpark.

Truemasterkai • May 17, 2024

It is generally a male attitude that showing emotion in relationships is a weakness that may lose you respect. Now, while being a dom and being male aren't mutually exclusive, the dom mindset is heavily inspired and informed by a male centric stance on relationship nuance. That guiding, in control figurehead. It is no surprise that such attitudes find their way here, then.

Now regardless of whether we think that is right or wrong, it could be said that all relationships of any kind are transactional. You have wants, needs and things that I might want. And if I do not have what you want in return, I won't get those things from you. And we decide what the currency of those transactions are. Emotional, financial, similarity in values and so forth.

The issue, in any relationship is when we claim to accept one kind of currency but yet operate as if we accept another. You might advertise that you want a person with x, y and z values most of all. But in actual practice, if they do not also have a or b, the rest do not matter. And in some cases, you'll be put off entirely.

That is where the disconnect happens. It is in the interests of doms to sometimes claim they are emotionally disconnected. Because the main currencies people want from doms look best and are least likely to be compromised if they aren't emotional. Stability, consistency, stern decisiveness etc. And yet, we acknowledge that emotional connection is mostly needed to some degree to reach the depths of the relationships we crave.

The solution, in short, is communication. As always. But further, we must allow each other that freedom to communicate without fear that it might compromise the currencies we agree on. It's going to be hard. And not everyone will always succeed. But we have to allow ourselves and each other to be humans first and then whatever position in a relationship second.