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Gave Up Sub/Dom Relationship-Feel Lost

IronWorld​(sadist male)
5 days ago • Jun 10, 2024

Re: Gave Up Sub/Dom Relationship-Feel Lost

IronWorld​(sadist male) • Jun 10, 2024
roughandtumbler wrote:
I fully realize that what I did was wrong. Bringing a third person into my life was not a good choice. But it made me feel excited and alive. It made me feel wanted and desirable. Now I just feel lost. I’m 51 and I’ve never had much of a sex drive. And for those brief weeks I wanted it and wanted to explore my sexuality. Now I feel shut down.

How do I go on from this? My husband is sad because the old, sexual me is gone. I miss my dom and the structure of my days. Do I just give up that part of me? Try it again with husband (who is now extremely suspicious and insecure, not good dom makings)? I just feel like my new life is dead. It makes me really sad.

Have you attempted anything to repair the damage with your husband? It sounds to me, from what you shared, that you only brought your husband into this side of you because your LDR Dom revved you up and you needed a release. Do you feel that you are in the wrong because of how this escapade made you feel or because of how it made either your Dom or your husband feel?

You've made it obvious to him that he can't fulfill that part of you and that's likely why he's suspicious and insecure. Specifically, what was it that you wanted to save about the marriage? Right now it sounds like you want to salvage what he provides and you're less concerned about the person you're married to.
intenseoldman​(dom male)
5 days ago • Jun 10, 2024
intenseoldman​(dom male) • Jun 10, 2024
Hi I think you have a lot of sound support and advice from knowledgeable people here. One thing you said interested me, though. You said you miss the structure of your days.

I flashed on that because structure is what makes me want to be in 24/7 dynamic. When I have been with a sub whose days I schedule, I am more structured, and I miss it when it ends.

I am not seeking a sub for a while, so that structure I provide that structures me, is gone. I am also away from home and visiting family. Following their schedule isn't what's best for me.

The other day, I just said fuck it, I am going to be on my own schedule regardless of where I am or who I'm with. Family I'm with right now respect that. I sit down with them when they eat, but I don't eat because I eat different stuff at a different time. I go places, hike and do activities with them, but I still take my walks and exercise on my schedule I would keep when I home.

What I'm saying is you can still keep some of that structure, and if you could get your husband involved in just that, it would help you both. He doesn't have to be a Dom to be a scheduler. By being a scheduler, though, he can help meet a big need in your life.... just a thought. Any structure you can give yourself helps.

The one thing I see in long-term loving relationships is structure. My grandpa and grandma had it and my sister and her husband, who are happily inseparable after fifty years, have it too... just routines and schedules they adhere to that help them flow.

Yeah, all the kinky sex, hell yeah, but there's so much more to this lifestyle than that. Structure is a huge part and you don't have to have someone to have it.

I wish you the best.
Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female){Owned}
5 days ago • Jun 10, 2024
You’ve got some great advice here, but you may want to consider looking into finding a kink aware therapist or counselor. They may be able to help heal the rift between you and your husband. Once that has taken place, they may be able to give guidance on starting a dynamic between the two of you.
roughandtumbler​(sub female)
5 days ago • Jun 10, 2024
Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. I’m feeling so supported. You don’t know what this means to me. For a long time I felt invisible. That was part of the thrill of submission-to have the focus of an intense person. This helps tremendously and I am taking all that you have written into account.