Frustrated

Aradia Nightshade​(other female) • Jan 21, 2025

There's lots of good pints here already. There are some things that stood out to me that were maybe glossed over or not even mentioned.

He is 70lbs overweight. This is probably a major factor in him not wanting to get naked in front of others.

The man works 6-7 days a week! Where is realistically supposed to get the time AND energy for sex or kink? Depending on his age, holding down two jobs is going to affect his energy levels to some degree.

The combination of his extra weight and the energy required to work two jobs, makes it very difficult for him to be the man you want him to be. He has to want to be that man. If he does, then he needs to put in the work. Maybe see a therapist to see why he's overeating, and see a doctor to find out if there's an underlying medical issue for his weight. Basically, he needs to take charge of his own health and work on things, IF he wants to.

Is it realistic for him to work less? Does his two jobs keep the family comfortable? Is he willing to cut back on his hours a bit? He sounds like a man on his way his way to a heart attack. Sometimes it takes this kind of health crisis for people to wake up.

The other elephant in the room. He's an overworked man who is overweight and basically has a wife many men dream about. Could he have Depression? That would explain some of his behaviour.

I want to mention something, but first I must say that it's strictly my opinion and that doesn't mean it's fact. Your husband doesn't strike me as an actual Dom. He gives you the silent treatment, for one. In my opinion, doms are assertive, they don't play childish games like the silent treatment. They may appear selfish to the vanilla world, but a genuine Dom cares about their sub, property, or slave. Doms protect and care for their subs (or property or slave) and make decisions based on their best interests. They are confident, even though they aren't perfect. I can sometimes have a hard time relating to a sub, but I'm pretty sure I would not want someone childish and not confident making decisions for me. That is terrifying to me, and utterly reckless. An ideal Dom is confident, assertive, direct, never needs to raise their voice or to announce every five seconds that they are a Dom, respects hard limits, pushes soft ones, and wants those in their charge to be the best, most authentic version of themselves. This is why I don't think your husband is a dom. But again, what I just described is my opinion of what a great dom is. Doms are human beings, they aren't perfect, and have struggles like everyone else, the difference is how they handle those challenges I think.

Anither thought, I found it curious that you identify as a sub but then indicated you had a problem with others controlling your life. You mentioned your parents having control and then your husband. Trying to get your husband to do what you want could be considered topping from the bottom. BUT at the same time, as a submissive you have every right to have your own desires and needs. Ideally a husband would be chosen for love, but also because he's the right dom. However, many people find BDSM after they are married and in a vanilla lifestyle. I think if there is topping from the bottom, it's because your needs are not being met. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you having needs and wanting them met. Maybe your husband is a dominant, I'm just a stranger on the internet, so I could very well be wrong.

Have you thought of exploring not just submission, but being dominant as well? It may not be your cup of tea and I'm not suggesting your force it. I can't quite explain it, but I'm getting the feeling that there might be something more for you to explore. If not, again, hi, I'm a stranger on the internet! There are submissives who "play" at being dominant, typically because their dom finds it amusing or pleasing to watch their sub dominate another, though it's probably more common in Switches.

I would not advise anyone to divorce their spouse because that's a highly personal decision. I make an exception is someone is being abused. Given your husband being overweight and working himself to the bone, it's not shocking his libido isn't matching yours. While some compassion is called for, especially if he also suffers from Depression, it does not mean you should permanently put your own needs on the back burner. The weight is a delicate issue. We want to support someone and help them be healthy, but we don't want them to feel like we love you them less or are rejecting them because of their weight. His weight and work hours could be related. You didn't mention having any struggles with being attracted to him, so he's a lucky man with that too. Many people struggle with attraction if their partner gains a significant amount. You really do sound like the kind of wife a lot of men dream of, though I'm sure you have your flaws, like every human being, myself included.

You may need to do something where he feels the consequences of his inaction. I have no idea what this would be in your situation, but your husband needs a wake up call. He should be willing to discuss his concerns with you, not stick his head in the sand. It sounds like he is otherwise a loving and decent husband and father, not every man is. You are lucky in this regard. I sincerely hope that because you are both decent and loving spouses, you can find a way to move forward so that you can both feel happy and fulfilled in every aspect of your relationship.

You aren't alone in your struggle. Clearly many people here face the same struggles in their marriage or relationship. I don't know if it helps you to know that you aren't alone - it doesn't solve your problem but maybe it will help lead you down a path towards a solution. A kink friendly therapist could help - now that they can meet online, location isn't an issue. But it depends on willingness to participate. It sounds like you both have something worth fighting for.

LatexHer​(dom male) • Jan 21, 2025

Maybe he feels that it is deleterious to his desires. He may fear your interactions and wants could cause you to leave him for another more experienced DOM? The possibilities of what is in his mind are endless. I'm assuming that you and he enjoy a marriage where both are honest with each other and can discuss almost anything? Could it be that either of you have not been brutally honest with each other?
Many people have commented referencing some good advice, but it's up to you both to work this out. Your situation and dilemma are more common than one may believe. Perhaps this Japanese phrase applies to your situation " Shikata ga nai" or, It can't be helped?

LatexHer