Are you submissive or are you just lazy

Bunnie • Apr 13, 2025

What do I think 🤔

I’ve been where you are, and many times said similar things along the beginnings of my journey. To be brutally honest, it’s an ego thing… “I have this submission thing all figured out! Why can’t those other fools understand it to the depths of which I do. I’m so great… blah blah blah” lol.

Needless to say, over the years, with some lived experience under my belt, my mindset has shifted greatly.
My advice nowadays would be… stay in your own lane. Especially as a newbie. Seriously, don’t go down the path of comparison as it leads you to pretty unhappy places within yourself.

There are so many ways in which Dominance and submission can play out between those involved… and rarely do “outsiders looking in” know the depths of what might be there.
The whole “I’m more subby because I do this” is simply flexing- it’s good to ask yourself when these things come up more as a form of accusation rather than discussion… by voicing it in this way, what am I trying to achieve?
As long as you’re happy with what you’re achieving with your Dominant, and they’re happy with what they’re achieving with you, that’s all that matters.

MasterDarcy​(dom male) • Apr 13, 2025

An amendment to that:

I don't think the OP is playing gatekeeper. There is definitely a grain of truth to what they're saying.

There's no doubting the fact that there is a lot of low energy people of all roles, titles and genders in the lifestyle. It's not just submissives.

Some people are like that for a myriad of reasons: Yes, some are lazy, but some people just think all they require to get by is a pretty face and some just lack emotional intelligence or general intelligence. Then there are ones who like to play games. Usually, the game players aren't doing it out of genuine malice. They're doing it because they are scared. Scared for various reasons: they've been hurt in the past when they have opened up, they have a natural aversion to opposing up to people, for fear of being hurt. Could be from past trauma, etc. The reasons are endless.

It can end messy. For instance, if a game playing pretty face initiates contact with a person of substance and intelligence. There'll most likely be egg on that pretty face when said person of substance flips the game.

I don't like the phrase "stay in your lane" as it's condescending and disrespectful, plus it leans into an incorrect notion that people are unable to grow and develop. But there is a case to be made that some people ought to do due diligence before initiating contact. People do have levels, I have respect for people who want to elevate themselves.

It's not an issue of age. Not everyone collects wisdom by the flow of the sands of time.

In closing, some people should tread carefully before they enter the woods.

Re: Are you submissive or are you just lazy

dryfte​(sub female) • Apr 13, 2025

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My initial reaction --- Ouch. I wonder what book or video they watched to come to that conclusion or how they were misguided. Sounds like a few lessons at a BDSM fundamentals school is needed by some to fully understand what submission and being a submissive is within the BDSM context.
No judgement here -- but words matter -- how one identifies matters

Sweetlydepraved​(masochist female)​{Claimed } • Apr 13, 2025

The feeling of being a useless fuck hole is a little bit intoxicating, and maybe someone gave someone a taste of that intoxication and they kind of got stuck there. I can be a useless piece of fuckmeat, it’s pretty fucking fun, but that isn’t all I am nor all I have to offer. However, my internal sense of self-worth is very strong and I do not need external validation, even from my Daddy.

Nitrev​(dom male) • Apr 13, 2025

It isn't laziness, and that's just the tip of the iceberg. Some s-types, particularly slaves want TPE and alleviating the burden of needing to function or make decisions for themselves. Some want to be told what and how to think because it's easier that way.

D/s relationships are an exchange. You offer a service in exchange for a different kind of service. While some people want to have less burden, less labor, It is still in exchange for what the Dom/me wants too, sometimes adopting an entirely new lifestyle

And in regards to the original example of a basic fucktoy, that's giving up a lot of control to be used how their partner wants which can be intense and physically demanding

That Berry Lover​(sub female) • Apr 15, 2025

People often come to kink because there are needs in their vanilla life that are not being met. There are many different ways to express your roles within kink, and they are valid as long as they are consensual. That's the beauty of BDSM, YOU get to choose what gives you pleasure and have an honest conversation with your partner, instead of following societal guidelines or standards of what sex should look like. If someone wants to be a pillow princess and their Dom doesn't mind, then who are we to judge?

Not everyone has to be or wants to be a service sub. There are different ways to express your submissive nature, with or without service.

Some people want to be little and be looked after by their "Daddies".
Some subs identify as Alphas and question everything.
Some subs see themselves in a 1950s marriage-style dynamic.
There's also a difference between a submissive and a slave, from my understanding.

Even kink play is so vast. It could be just allowing your Dom to do anything to you - tie you up, spank you, or put you through gruelling physical activity or contraptions, and you just lie there or follow like a doll. On the other hand, it could be the sub doing all the work while the Dom relaxes. It's really up to the people in the dynamic.

Another thing is that people put on a persona when it comes to kink. A sub may use "I'm nothing but a fuckhole" to humiliate themselves but may be different during the actual act. Especially if it's a long-term dynamic, there is no way they aren't reciprocating their Dom's care. A dynamic is still a relationship that comes with the work of a relationship. It all depends on the dynamic, what has been consented to and everyone's limits. You never know what agreement two people have in their dynamic. You cannot judge.

Little Vixie​(sub female)​{Mgh30} • Apr 15, 2025

Submission comes in many forms just like bdsm cones in many forms. Who are we to tell others what submission is supposed to be. There are going to be faux dom/dommes and faux subs. Its the nature of it all. But it seems really shallow to jump to the conclusion that as a sub, if you don't serve then you arent submissive. You wouldn't like a sub that into ddlg and go "well you aren't into bdsm because I don't view being a little as kink related". Its to each their own.

At the end of the day, don't yuck on someone else yum. Some people have likes that others don't. Its not our places to tell others something just because we don't agree with it. As long as it to harm others in the many ways (mentally, physically, etc) then why is it something that one needs to spend time on to complain about.

Zoneinlingo​(neither female) • Apr 15, 2025

I have learned that there are many different types of subs and different types of doms. Match up the subs and doms and it's almost a perfect fit. Unless communication fails.

Some like to be abused and some like to abuse.
Some want to be guided and lead and some like to guide and to lead.
Some want to be took care of and pampered and some like being a care provider. Etc.

Just add kinky sex to the mix and there you have your different dynamics.

If some subs want to be used like that, it's there kink. Let them be and try not to judge. It's what they enjoy and kudos to the dom that can give it to them but be empathetic about it.

But what do I know I'm just a vanilla. ☺️

CottageGardenGal​(masochist female) • Apr 15, 2025

Nothing wrong with bringing it might if you felt it was wrong or right that's how you feel but find way what works for you. But we all get curious from time to time.


Let it be "La dolce vita" "the sweet life" or "the good life." lifestyle characterized by pleasure, indulgence, and enjoyment of the finer things in life.

We all start some were old or young be whatever age you feel . I remember being young and free and not giving crap what life was hitting me with but I knew had to make a good life. Have to go back to my young self and say you still want to still be naughty do I always have to be good no but I will bring protection with it. It's good to have those talks with yourself. Romance your life cause on this journey we call life its your choice how you wanna live it.

In your own home , going to a club, or traveling to a nude beach or place or site so on that only way people can let it out its a haven for them. Being naughty been around since the roman times its not a secret its all around us look around at old art old vintage and writings you will see its still a thing never goes out of style. You are your own art of creation, make what you want to be with your imagination. Everyone has a story of why they are here so if you're here also in the party as well so have some wine and embrace everyone is included of being frisky.

That why everyone Pandora box is different. Good the Bad you agree with what you feel that is fine & they will be them so be it but life goes on. But some day you're gonna wanna be bad and when your ready will always be there for you.

There is no wrong or right but what is good right now but in life there is good and bad honey life is to short to be boring company we need good and bad.


We are told through out are life to be good, sit pretty, don't do bad things. But some rules are for breaking we are in the adult world, the freedom to be adult .

Good Girl/Bad Boy gotta come out sometime. God I just wanna be a beast and be so bad!!!! Hunter or Prey ? I can be good, but also even truly bad, we all have a good and bad side just allowing them to come out.

So if someone wants to be a bad a slut and whore cause many people have no crime just your just a Goddess and King that how the world evolves. Essence is within, do not forget its your power never lose hope, dust yourself off and try again.

Just keep your consent, limits and protection of self, make sure to get to know someone and have safe words to grow a connection first. Time and place for everything but sometimes you have to break the rules, shit happens in life you don't have to have it all together to live this life the door is always open.

I see a lot of my older girlfriends and guys that are in 30s and 40s 50s and up coming out later of being free to be bad - they did get to be that girl/boy because they were told what to do were stuck with the wrong one or with family control. These times people have found freedom to be themselves. Its therapy to some and its really its in their veins. Some had to deal with trauma but they are working through things. Some did have the role model so they have to look up to and this lifestyle is the role model for them. So finding your own passion is a very heart warming gift.

Just sharing I got tired of being good I also have to be bad!!!
I don't wake up without feeling and being sexy I just wake up to be siren cause the essence within is to be seductive with soft and hard. I can't go back to the old life of control, of family telling me to stay be a good girl and be service to them that what I wanted to do my whole life no I wanted to be free that why I left to be myself and live how I want to live. In life you leave the nest and don't need to live by books or belief you have to choose what you want to live I don't live by the big wigs I live by my own some may have to but in my own little world I am going to be bad good honey I gotta be.

Don't give up on yourself, you don't have to adjust to be like others , You only need to shine in your own way.
We can not change the behavior of others we can not fix them but we can send love and peace hope they make it but its up to them. I tried being a peace maker and pleaser. Being too nice some get addicted you want wanna people being energy vampires taking your energy. Protect your energy and your time. Come back to yourself, live your own life and embrace that we are all imperfect beauty so be it.

I use to be angry person that did get me any were do to my family control past I had to find peace it was not easy but putting peace was the way and just lose myself in spirit.

I walk around the house naked, I will wear a sheer house coat with heels I am not going to give up. Weight was 230 now 205 My sultry bad side keeps me inline going with the bottom dominant mind. The body is a temple, the mind and soul body I can be soft but I also have to be bad if I wanna push myself in good ways. Do things never done to get the things you want to do. Pandemic was hard for some, so after that time people are started to be more to have freedom doing their passion figure out what they want to do and be. Just getting to a point in your life your tired of the old life. If you don't like the story your living in then make a new one.


Good Girl/Bad Boy gotta come out sometime. God I just wanna be a beast yes this roars to be hunted or to be a huntress !!!

Seduction , Allure , Risque , Stutry , Desire , Venom , Naughty , A Living SIn , Slut , Whore , Slut Princess . A desire is essence of a Man of a Women so be it.

Sheer is sexy , full set garder belts , dress to the nine , Show up , use your essence, all it takes. Whatever makes you feel sexy that for you! Person being sexy they do it for them self if anyone wants to be apart of it they should be happy to be in it. Embrace nothing to ashamed to be sexy just the start notice your flaws allure it and take care of what you can and embrace it. Temple has to be respected or gate can be closed. Embrace together .

Why Is Being Bad More Seductive Than Being Good?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/snow-white-doesnt-live-here-anymore/201304/why-is-being-bad-more-seductive-than-being-good


Holli dancing with her essence being herself brings good and bad but she still has protection over herself. What being free of the sexy bad or good.
Holli Would Dance / Cool World (1992)


Willa Ford - I Wanna Be Bad 2001

Christina Aguilera - Not Myself Tonight

Rihanna - S&M

Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl

Lady Gaga - Bad Romance

Jazlyn​(masochist female)​{Owned} • Apr 16, 2025

I think with some people saying this is a "judge free community" is very misleading. And heck, even if it was judge free, I wouldn't want that. I think having opinions and judging/criticizing others based on their actions is a great thing to express. Of course at the end of the day everyone lives their own lives and no one can control you, but as humans, we are allowed and should express judgement so that we can have the ability to make our own decisions based on our own perspective. Some people choose to voice their judgement, some don't, but we have that ability all the same. And with expressing that judgement, it may spark someone to see something from a different perspective.