Poly Relationships

Poly Relationships

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Oct 24, 2018

Hello Sir/Ma'am and all ^_^

So i am currently in a monogamous relationship with my wife. She knows and has known that i personally have poly tendancies. I see no reason why a husband and wife can't openly have other partners as long as everyone is aware and ok with it. Also, in my ideal world, if you are married, a partner for one is at least in a relationship with both. I know that isn't strictly how being poly works and it's not one size fits all, but that's how i see it in a nutshell.

Anyway, i made another post called "Vanilla Mixing" where i explain that i believe my wife is at the very most a submissive-leaning Vanilla, although she insists she could be my Domme. Anyway, this lack of fulfillment to my extremely submissive nature keeps leading me back to how im also forced to be monogamous. I keep feeling like, if i was allowed to have a Master, it would really fix a lot in the relationship. I don't want to hurt my wife, and i will never cheat on her. So i just don't know how to talk to her about this... Do you guys have any thoughts? Also, has anyone, or is anyone experiencing the same thing? Thanks for taking the time to read and reply ^_^

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 24, 2018

I do not envy you in this.

My opinion is write down everything you need to say and have a blunt and honest conversation about your needs.


But-- that is the easiest part of this.

The harder part is taking self inventory and truly deciding for yourself how much longer you can keep going as things are.

What is worth more? Your growth and needs or hers? And what will it mean to you emotionally to keep doing what you are doing?

Will you begin to resent her because you are bowing to her insecurities ?

How will that change your relationship now?

How will that change how you view her?


My love was poly long before I was.
When we went from poly theory to poly reality I freaked out.

Big time.

My love was uncompromising in her need to be poly. I was not ready.
But I also knew that she had always been honest with me. From day one about her need to be poly. And that loving her meant expanding myself.

It was a huge challenge to our marriage.
It took time and a lot of talking.
Here we are 8 years later in a triad.
And I'm so fulfulled.

I can only speculate on what our marriage would be like had I not grown. I assume a lot of resentment and undermining of each other. Manipulation. Maybe even cheating.

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Oct 24, 2018

Thanks so much for your reply! I really appreciate you sharing your personal experiences

I think that it may just be a really slow process, kind of like what you said. We have talked about the subject of poly-relationships a bit and i think she has made some strides in understanding. So maybe if i keep waiting and talking it will work out for us too

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Oct 24, 2018

I think MB's advice was awesome and you're on the right track, but the way you worded the above worried me a bit. It's passive and sounds like you're trying to break down a barrier. The heart of poly is active communication and more importantly listening.

You want to make a very difficult and drastic change to your relationship dynamic. You're not asking for a new toy for Xmas. Your partner can 'understand' everything and accept it intellectually, but the real struggle is and will be in managing the emotional labour that will come out of it.

Any rational or practical questions she may have can be answered easily, but you'll need to listen and not explain when it comes to her feelings about trust, love and attention.

If she can be honest about her fears and concerns, that gives you a roadmap to anticipate problems and discuss them before they come up. It's a matter of finding ways to meet your needs while trying to avoid areas that make her feel unloved, ignored or unwanted.

Even if you can't make poly work, the insights you gain about your relationship should help you both going forward with monogamy.

Think of it as a process to learn more about your needs and her feelings, not a method to get you a Domme. If you do get what you want, you'll be doing all of the above constantly with multiple people, so better get used to the emotional and communication workload now.

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Oct 25, 2018

Thank you Sir for Your reply

We are on the same page Sir ^_^ we have talked about and i have accepted that we very well may never be in an actual poly relationship, and that it is ok. If that never changes, i have decided to be ok with that. She does openly talk to me about her concerns and communication is very important to both of us.

I admit, in the back of my mind, part of me is hoping that her current stance /will/ change, so maybe there is a desire to break down a barrier there. I will try to be more careful not to let it show. I don't want her to feel unappreciated, or like she isn't enough for me.

I think that the emotional burden is what i am best at ^_^; part of the reason i am a poly-person is because i feel like i have so much love to give (not just sexually, though it helps) that i hate being restricted from expressing that love openly. So many times when i am trying to comfort or support people of all genders and backgrounds it ends up coming to "you're in a closed relationship" and becomes kind of a road block.

Anyway, i personally like communicating, i like accommodating and i like being supportive to other people's needs ^_^; so while i know it can be stressful when learning or supportively teaching how to communicate, i think i am ready for that challenge ^_^