Sexual experience needed?

Sexual experience needed?

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Oct 27, 2018

Answers may vary here, but how much sexual experience is needed (and then maybe ideal) before entering into the BDSM lifestyle for those who want to be successful and healthy in their relationships? I guess I'm asking, should there be a time of exploration where you determine likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, a la vanilla before adding the other dynamics?

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Oct 27, 2018

I don't think they'll vary that much.

No or little sexual experience does not interfere with the lifestyle; the mental aspects and the bonds formed are more important than the acts.

If you want to be successful and happy in your relationship, you've already got the perfect mindset.

Absolutely there should be lots of time spent discussing likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, even more important in BDSM than vanilla. That's what limits and scene negotions are all about. That discussion is also key to forming and maintaining a bond with a partner.

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Oct 27, 2018

Thanks for this feedback, Fudbar. Clarifying question:

"Absolutely there should be lots of time spent discussing likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, even more important in BDSM than vanilla. That's what limits and scene negotions are all about."

If you haven't had the experience to determine what you like, what you want/need, what your limits are (I know that one isn't as uncommon), how do you navigate this?

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Oct 27, 2018

In general, you read, learn and listen to as much as you can, and ask questions like this as you figure it out.

Specifically or if you're talking to someone one on one, you focus on what you might like and build discussion and exploration from there.

No one expects someone new to have a detailed list of things they don't like at this stage. Anyone who talks to you should be aware and respectful that you're new too, and take the time to let you ask questions and guide discussion rather that 'laying down the law' and telling you 'this is what a submissive does'.

When you're reading, look for things that excite or interest you, or writing from other submissives that you really identify with. Follow up, reach out to those folks, and build up connections that way.

Those types of interaction will give you the knowledge to know and talk about your limits and preferences. Take your time and speak your mind. You'll get there.

CapnRick​(dom male) • Oct 27, 2018

I might offer a little different slant than, Fud, though he is certainly on track and offering excellent observations.

Perhaps I am more loosy-goosy in new relationships, so my feelings might not be quite a conventional. I know there needs to be some discussion, sone, trust, and some meeting of minds. But I feel there also needs to be DOING.

Essentially, your inexperience sexually need not be a handicap IF you and your Dom agree to explore one new aspect at a time AND you agree on SAFE words.

I'm thinking more than the standard red, yellow, green. Maybe you can work more on a sliding number scale, Zero for "Stop, I don't like that!" up through varying degrees of comfort up to 10 as a "WOW! MORE!" In your situation where many things are going to be new sensations for you, "Green" just says "I'm okay with this". Not very clear. But going from a 5 to , say an 8, gives your Dom a clearer picture of your feelings, as they might be changing with what he is directing and doing.

Yes, of course, body language, noises, words, all those in-person cues should work as well....But , you said you are worried about how to navigate new sexual activity and sensations. My feeling (NOT necessarily 'advice') is to be sure your Dom will honor a RED or a ZERO, and then dive carefully in.. Going through weeks of talking won't give you anything as definite or useful to you as an hour or two of actually DOING new things. And doing one new thing a session should give you time to decide how you feel about that activity, and thus help you create BOTH your limits and your likes lists...

Any Dom who wants to pressure you--Well, Red Flags are usually pretty easy to spot, just listen to your gut feelings!

Hope this is worth some thought...

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Oct 27, 2018

Love all that Cap't Rick. I don't think it's another slant at all, but rather the perfect way to proceed once a bond is established. The doing is crucial, but doing it with someone you have trust and bond with is key.

I've mentioned "Echo" before as a supplement to the usual 'traffic light' safe words; Echo can be used to speak "out of character" or outside a scene without judgement or calling for a break. A bit like green only with more discussion and verbalizing. Eg "I really like what's going on now, I'm really aroused but when you do 'x' the energy shifts a bit, I'm not sure what's going on, can we talk and explore that?"

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 28, 2018

There are no guidelines on sexual experience when coming into BDSM. There are actually many people who are happy and healthy in their BDSM relationships and have no sex at all with their partners. BDSM doesn't have to include sex.



For the second part if you want to take time outside of BDSM to find out who it is that you're with then that might be a personal preference that you need before engaging in BDSM activity. My love and I started BDSM from pretty much the first month we were together.


The very important thing to remember here is that there are no real rules in BDSM. That's why the concepts of insight and emotional understanding are so critical to success.

So I'm going to ask you the tough questions:

1- do you need to feel that you are more sexually experienced before entering into BDSM?

2- do you feel that you need to click in a vanilla weigh before you can allow BDSM to happen in your personal relationships?


3- to feel safe and healthy do you feel that you need time between meeting the person and engaging in any BDSM play?


The biggest part of BDSM is what works for you.


My love and I trained for 3 years before I locked her collar. We were both long-term goal oriented. We wanted to make sure that when we entered into our M/s relationship that we both had an idea about what is reasonable to do long term.


But that is what worked for US.

Master preference.

GoldenLocks • Oct 28, 2018

I honestly prefer the most inexperienced. It allows for more exploration and it produces more of the reactions that pleases the Master.

FabSeverus​(dom male) • Oct 28, 2018

It’s down to the Dom you choose to submit. If he’s the right one, he will go through the process one step at the time.
For the limits, you know a bit of your body and reaction so start with this. How much pain you are into.

Bunnie • Oct 28, 2018

I think too often it’s seen as an “us and them” situation. If you’re not into vanilla, why explore it? It’s about discovering your sexual preferences and what works for you. If you want to explore “vanilla” within your relationship, do so. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. There are definitely some who don’t enjoy missionary piv sex, and then there are some who incorporate a wide range of things within their dynamic, depending on the vibe at the time. My advice would be to be flexible. That’s how you will learn what you do and don’t like. And as everyone else has stated, explore with someone that you’ve built and established that foundation of trust with. In my opinion, it’s not about fitting a mould... it’s about creating the one that works for the people involved within your dynamic.