Red flag behavior : The Carrot

Red flag behavior : The Carrot

Izzy Darling​{submissive} • Aug 11, 2025

“The Carrot,” behavior comes from a possible dom or sub candidate is when the person, YOU as the interested party are in talks with, refuses to commit to a certain thing until YOU prove yourself worthy.

Example: The Dom refuses to show his face or give any personal information until the interested party, the Sub, has revealed her entire body, given personal information, and cum at least ten times on command.

Example. The Sub refuses to show her face, reveal any personal information until the interested party, the Dom, has earned her trust, revealed personal information, or sent money, etc.

Example: The Dom holds up the collar as the ultimate reward, but will not present the collar until the sub has reached some undefined level of acceptance and “earned” her place beside him.

I don’t often see “Carrot” behavior listed as a red flag, but I was wondering how many others had encountered this type of red flag negotiation/behavior.

I have to admit, my curiosity, a competitive nature, and a desire to please has often worked against me, turning me into a victim rather than a satisfied and happy sub who feels like she has been challenged, experienced growth or pleasure from that challenge, and is now confident the carrot will be delivered.

It isn’t just manipulation and a power play, it is also obvious to me that the person holding the carrot has no intention of actually gifting it to the person trying to earn it.

Have you chased after the carrot like a donkey? When did you realize what was happening? Or have you, under the guise of ‘safety and privacy concerns,’ or other trust issues, actually forced your prospective sub/dom to chase a carrot you knew you would never “really,” be comfortable in handing over?

What are your thoughts on this behavior?

House Talion​(dom male) • Aug 11, 2025

How many subs has any met that have jo picts, are unwilling to show picts till after a lot of talk while chatting with someone that has many shown?
Such is a personal preference. There's a lot of ppl within this lifestyle that have public careers that are afraid of scorn andnpossible job loss if they're found here.

As for the collar, I've never heard of such being given to a sub that hasn't proven themselves worth keeping. Simplynpart of the process that makes the collar so important as a sign of being kept after proofing. Any unable to understand that much is either not for beingncollarednor simply ignorant nor the tradition.

pioneer man​(sub male) • Aug 11, 2025

Well, here's my opinion. As a Femdom sub (have been for years), I have been to many erotic events through the years and met people from all walks of life - blue collar, business, and even national celebrities. At these events, I have met people in various lifestyles.

Honestly, I have never come across anyone who does anything like you have described. This type of behavior should be considered a RED FLAG WITH NEON LIGHTS to get your attention.

Any respectable Dom or sub would not do this.

Izzy Darling​{submissive} • Aug 11, 2025

AI debated on the coller. Unfortunately, it did happen to me. It was held up twice like a reward that I would strive to earn...and ultimately used as a carrot I would never receive. It may be standard to BDSM to have to earn your collar, but this means it is also easily manipulated by someone with no intent of actually putting it around your neck. Just because it is sacred to some doesn't mean it is sacred to all. The red flag behavior no one ever talks about it is when someone knows what to say and what to do with consent, limits, boundaries, safety, and rewards. Bad actors are everywhere

LadySusweca​(dom trans woman) • Aug 11, 2025

House Tallon has a very valid point. I will not be posting any face pics on the Cage and it will take a lot of trust before I send someone a pic. Some of us have careers that are public or require a license. We could be putting ourselves at a big risk for our job. On the other hand I do not demand pics either from a submissive I may be interested in. A picture can taint the relationship. I want to get to know them as a person and not judge based on a pic. I'm probably rare in that aspect. I believe that it is what is on the inside that counts and what I am attracted to.

That Berry Lover​(sub female) • Sep 17, 2025

I understand what you're saying.

All subs earn their collar but there are Doms who have no intention of giving their sub a collar but will dangle the carrot to keep the sub committed.

Sure people keep their images private for many reasons, but then when you are a building a relationship with someone, you do have to send them a picture at some point. Some people will place obstacles, and that should be a sign that they are not serious.

I used to not give people images of myself until I had enough information about them, but I would not request the information. I would only give my pictures to Doms who had that information readily available like a phone number or their name on their Telegram profile. There were so many stories on this site of people getting blackmailed. I'm so more laxed now (maybe too laxed). Anyway, it can be for safety to need something for assurance.

However, I know some dodgy things do happen and some people do take it too far. There are people who demand unnecessary actions and we've also heard too many stories of people being extorted for money under the guise of a "tribute".

A few days ago, I was getting to know a new Dom and he asked for my Fetlife log-in details to "prove my loyalty" to becomes his submissive.

Bunnie • Sep 17, 2025

My ex-Sir, among many other things (ever-changing goal posts) used to dangle the collar carrot over my head. Even going so far as one day measuring my neck. I still remember that day. Kneeling at his feet as he placed the tape measure around my neck. No discussion beyond “go and get the tape measure, slave.” I didn’t want to assume, but that part of me hoped so badly. I existed solely and desperately for his approval. We were in a nice place at that moment, and I hoped that maybe we’d finally had a breakthrough and “made it.” That maybe finally I had proven I was enough.

Oh that poor girl. My gut twists for her each time those memories rise. There was never a collar coming. His level of emotional cruelty, still unrecognised at that stage, was unrivalled. What I didn’t know then, was that it was my hope that was his toy. And boy oh boy did he love crushing it beneath his boot. He took everything I valued and destroyed it.

And… I thank him for it.

Emerging from that relationship, sure, I was emotionally battered and scarred, and I still have things to work through. But having everything stripped away allowed me new eyes. I could sit back and see what was important to me and what no longer is.

I’ve not thought about a collar since then. And it no longer holds any significance for me. What has become significant is now knowing what I value in a “partner” and what I value in myself.

I was definitely a donkey. For years in fact. And that in itself kept me quiet because I was so ashamed that I accepted that kind of treatment… and still stayed. No one really talks much about the ability we can have at times to gaslight ourselves. Dangling carrots I think play on the type of personality who is susceptible to that kind of trap.

intenseoldman​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2025

Yeah, the carrot sounds like a lot of cruel mindfucking. I don't understand such inhumane treatment. Domination isn't cruelty. Even if mindfucking is your kink it shouldn't take place outside you kink space. I mean isn't there a safe space outside of kink that you know what the tape measure is for and whether or not the intention to collar you is sincere? And if in your kink space, you must prove your worth and "earn" your collar, is there not a space for your inherent value as a human being to be honored and prized? I don't know, even if your kink is dehumanizing, you're still a human being and should know you are valued as such beyond whatever kink. I mean I am not my kink. No matter how vile my kink might be, I retain my humanity outside of kink and even in it with consent and respect for limits. I still retain my humanity for others. Your kink may be cruel taskmaster, but if there's no space for your humanity, then you're just an abusive POS and your sub is not your sub or your slave; she's your victim. I mean there are Doms who really think they are "Doms" "Gods", "Alphas". You're only what your sub let's you be. It is a role just like hers. You might have a dominant nature and she might have a submissive nature but Dom and sub are the roles you choose in a dynamic... outside of that role you are a human being who should have humanity for other human beings. You may assume the role of cruel taskmaster, but you aren't. Stripped of the power someone exchanged with you, you're just another human being who should feel the same humanity for other human beings as other human beings feel for you... unless, of course, you're a narcissist, a psychopath, a narcissistic psychopath or a megalomaniac which there are plenty of floating around here. In the end you ought to have a kind space in you somewhere and if you're a sub and you feel you hold no inherent value to someone, then you need to know, you deserve better.

Lulu Feu​(sub female)​{Notlooking} • Sep 28, 2025

This is a great forum discussion. I have chased the carrot, or false promises. The collar is a symbol of belonging and connection. I value that, but for me, the contract and clear guidance, appropriate communication...those were the carrots I chased.

What I have found is that having clear boundaries is difficult. They are tested frequently and pushed to see how far you will cave. I struggle and am a work in progress. A people pleaser at heart, I will put my needs aside in order to chase the carrot. I believe what I am told. My hope and faith are too great. I struggle with trust, yet, I will jump right in...even after I have been proven wrong.

Boundaries are important.
Good communication is important.
Being confident to know when to move on...whether to simply ignore, block, or say "fuck off" to an ignoramus or to know when a dynamic is just...done.
All skills.

In short, do what you say, mean what what you say.

Anna Lynn​(sub female) • Sep 28, 2025

One of the best things I ever did for myself was to stop believing that I had to prove my ability to surrender.

It took me a long time to know myself and how I relate to other people and not only accept myself but love that part of me that can surrender to someone I love in the way that I do. I had to stop striving for perfection and believe that I am worthy to be loved just as I am.

So now, I seek to relate to people differently.
I try not to show up from a place of wanting or needing. I don’t always do it perfectly and sometimes I fail but the goal is there. I have accepted that people will come and go in my life and the ones who are meant to stay, will.


YMMV