Laundry list of questions

Laundry list of questions

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Oct 27, 2018

Me again. For those easily frustrated with questions, feel free to ignore this. But others around here seem quite knowledgable and willing to dialogue, so I'd love to some help processing a few things. And yes, there are people in my inbox offering to help mentor/train/guide me in this, but... we're all basically strangers. So I'd prefer to air my curiosity to the general populace for the time being.

1. I know there are lots of passing remarks about blank profiles. How much of a red flag is that actually? How much of a concern is it if someone has a completed profile, but they've never posted in the forum or on the blog (what have you done here for eight months?)? I'm just trying to get a lay of the land.

2. Due to the natural power structure of the D/s relationship, it doesn't feel natural to me for a sub to initiate or express interest first. It seems like that would upset the predator/prey dynamic. I'm guessing that's inaccurate, but could you explain why? Or how a sub could initiate while still respecting those roles?

3. This is the one that feels the most pressing and confusing to me. How integrated is the D/s or M/s dynamic into a relationship? I think that varies, so let me explain. Some people on here talk about how they want to find a sub to "treasure." In reality, I want to be treasured, but not just because I want to be a sub and not just because someone is a Dom. I want to also be treasured because I am funny and because I have a deep love for Sylvia Plath and undercooked brownies. I want it to be my whole self, including my sub side, that is seen and chosen and treasured. And in turn, I want to choose to a Dom not just because he is a good Dom but because he is a good man, one that demands my trust outside of how well he wields a magic wand or commands my orgasms.

But, and this is hard for me to articulate and is making some pretty sweeping judgments, so please excuse me if I'm wrong, it feels like either the BDSM part of some people is compartmentalized from the rest, or it's what the rest is filtered through (like you'd get to know the man, eventually, after accepting him as Dom). Can anyone speak to this? How off base am I? As I'm figuring out how and if I fit in this world, it's hard to imagine if I don't feel like I bring my whole self to the table (and be wanted for just that).

Phanes​(dom male) • Oct 27, 2018

@ NaivelyOptimistic​

It's a good way for you to get your questions answered by those in the community who may have the experience and various views in answering your questions; in which you can make your own decisions on what fits you best.

Question #1 : To Me, I feel it best to tell a bit about O/ourselves as to who W/we are as a person, interests, likes and dislikes, and any BDSM experience you may wish to share. That way when someone goes to review a profile, they can have some idea as to who they may wish to talk to and get to know better. Only share what is comfortable to share. If I see a blank profile; that kinda says this person is not putting for the energy to introduce themselves to the community; therefore I question how much effort will they put forth in any pending relationship?

Question #2 : I see nothing wrong with a submissive approaching a Dominant to whom they may be interested in. I, Myself see that as flattery that they shown the initiative to reach out to Me, as My lady had done in the very beginning.

Question #3 : All Dominants and submissives alike should be seen as a significant person in O/our lives; both on a personal level as well as within the lifestyle. As it is always referred to, submission is a "gift", not a right and should be cherished should One earn and be given the priviledge to have a submissive trust them enough to submit to them. This also is the same on a personal level; whereas chemistry and a connection, bond is first formed in any lifestyle relationship. What person in any relationship not wish to be cherished, appreciated, and know they are desired within it?

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Oct 27, 2018

@NaivelyOptimistic;

You're doing it right with the questions, public only is sensible and if it works for you, use it.

1.). Completely blank suggests a lack of effort and thought, but even a few words like 'learning and exploring' can explain a lot. Just like limits, no one expects someone completely new to write a novel for a profile. A few lines is all you need to distinguish yourself, your forum posts do that even better. No need for a pic ever, just an option for some.

2) People before kink. Expecting a stranger to slip into those roles in a first email is an imposition. Be people; D types can be polite and s types can be bold and forward. Be you.

3) Again, be you. For some, casual partners and scenes work; others want the whole enchilada in every relationship. It's spectrum and as long as you are open and honest about your needs and goals there, you should have no issues finding others who feel the same.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 27, 2018

Love the questions.


1- For me the red flag isn't in the profile, it's in the responses. Are they rude, hostile, do they bait people? People have all kinds of reasons for handling their profiles the way they do. But how they show themselves to be as what's more significant as far as I'm concerned.


2- I also see nothing wrong with a submissive approaching a dominant. Dominants for all their glory can tend to be somewhat clueless.
A submissive initiating conversation with a dominant to show interest in my opinion is fairly easy. Go to the dominant and ask if they would like something to drink. It is a way of introducing yourself and starting a conversation but still in some ways maintaining a roll of power dynamic.



3- First off ewwwwwww Sylvia Plath. But besides that this is how I look at it. My love and I have MS integrated into pretty much every aspect of our life on a daily basis.
If I wanted just to have the perfunctory ability of M/s then I would hire a maid, and hire a butler, and hire a sex worker to help me take care of those needs. I could flog a pillow and get the same amount of emotional attachment. But that's not why I'm with my love.

My love is brilliant, amazing, stunning, and she as an individual is a Powerhouse of knowledge.

I love and honor my love. It is my attachment to her that helps create and continue my attachment to my own Mastery.

My love is not just a person who serves. When she is sick I take care of her. When I notice for running herself into the ground I take care of her. When I see that she has had too much of the world and it is taking from her soul, I take care of her.

My love is brilliant I would be a fool to not listen to her. My love is passionate I would be a coward to not hear her in the bedroom.

My love inspires, teaches, and consoles those that come to her in need. I would be a complete idiot to not support that in every way possible.

I think what I'm trying to say here is my relationship with my slave is the best part of me.

As a Master if I in any way try to diminish her light on the world then I should have my title immediately yanked from my hands and never allowed back.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Oct 27, 2018

Hello from the other side of the slash.
Thought I would stop by and give answers from at least this subs point of view.
So let's begin, shall we?

1.To me a totally blank profile or barely filled out are about the same thing. There are two things that really bother me with them .
A. How am I( or anyone) to have any idea if I (they)want to talk to said person.
B. If said person can't be bothered with / or take the time to fill out profile. Then will said person be able to take the time that is needed for any sub. Or be willing to be bothered with anything the sub needs. Or will they just being it for them self?
The answer to me is that I ( or anyone) wouldn't be able to know, and that said person wouldn't be able /or take the time to properly care of sub.
And as far of being here for a amount of time and never posted a blog or forum posting .I do know that there might be some that don't do those things but they come in lobby and chat. I think by posting in the forum or blog is helpful to getting to know how som e one thinks. But if they come in chat it help s also to see how they interact with others and how others respond. But remember not everyone comes in to the lobby.


2. I feel that it is ok for a sub to approach a Dom . I would say after reading their profile/blogs/blog replies/talking in lobby. And to also be respectful, but not a doormat about it.
Be your self talk about things that are in common or ask why they feel a certain way of you didn't understand what/why they said.

3. As far of a relationship I think that it doesn't matter if it is kink or vanilla . We all want to be important to the person with whom we chose to be with.
There are different people and how they choose to deal with their BDSM world is different than others may choose to deal with it.

All I can speak of is MY relationship. In my relationship we grew to know each of as people first then our friendship grew into a Dom And sub relationship. So that even now living together we have vanilla times ,as I think all have, yet he is always my DOM .

Hopefully that answer made some type of sense to you .As usual I was having a hard time putting it into words.

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Oct 29, 2018

Thanks for all the advice here. Really, really good stuff.

I have a few more to add:

What role, if any, does romance play in your D/s or M/s relationship(s)? For instance, do you find it necessary or perhaps just nice? Or is it absent from the dynamic (because there's not really a need to woo?)?

What specific or unique characteristics do you find attractive in a Dom(me) or submissive (whichever you aren't)? What are some qualities that instantly turn your off?

I've been reading about 'power exchanges' in these roles, but I'm not sure I understand that exactly. Is that like switching?

Do you ever feel like two or more of your kinks conflict? Like if I really was drawn to the nurturing/ protection of a Daddy but then also felt a draw to degradation and humiliation-- I don't, not the latter two, but I'm just wondering how those desires get reconciled inside of you? Do you just play out different scenes? Or pick a lane and stick with a partner who fills out one really well? Identify the greater desire/need and feed it?

Re: Laundry list of questions

Indi303​(switch female) • Oct 30, 2018

Learning with you on this, though for my own personal comfort and what I've been advised to do, most of it is very much learning on both or several sides, with no specific way to start, save honest and open.

1. As a writer outside of and newly developing in BDSM, profiles are a huge red flag for me- spelling and grammar errors (though I know mine probably have some structure or punctuation issues present) text talk and more.

If a profile is too short or limited in information, has no links or posts outside the profile, I'm cautious. It doesn't necessarily mean they are not active and more open in the community, but it's still an issue. If I get a message that reiterates and extends beyond profile statements, I may choose to continue chatting with someone.

Generally, one should be able to feel some range of a personality or type, not just text and information in a profile, in my opinion.

I do let people know that I will require references from the BDSM community as well, if they are not more active in and outside online interactions. I've had many people advise me personally, on other BDSM sites and face to face of this. I feel like this is great for everyone to do, no matter what your role is.

2. Sometimes this is how you get a feel for each other, and for me, the first reply or initiative message always feels awkward. Talking to people is very interesting in itself, as you may feel like showing different bits of your personality to someone, depending on how you read them or reply to them. First impressions are a daunting, fun, vast experience, but can simply be done with honesty and composure. I don't feel like there is or should be an expectation of honoring a specific role in this, especially in the first message. An exception might be going to an event and initiating someone who clearly states how they would like to be addressed, and is well known.

3. I've known many people who I have dined or been out publicly with who had various relationship dynamics with others. They all had wonderful chemistry and love for each other in and outside of BDSM. Some were strict 24/7 TPE, some with varying degrees 25% of the time to 75% or specific activities of their D/s, M/s dynamic because of jobs, kids, etc. Even those who had regular play and scene partners still had agreements or negotiations that in themselves, served as compatibility. Their chemistry was usually checked in vanilla or partially vanilla sit downs and conversations, on and offline, before moving to something more intimate physically, mentally and socially. I think a lot of this gets figured out in your points 1 and 2. It really does vary, but I think that is what can be so wonderful about it.

I hope my reply was helpful to you; it's difficult for me to post anything short, so I hope I was clear enough. And thank you for posting this, it's a whole base of questions and such that I'm working to integrate into myself. I hope all the replies help ease you mind, and maybe stimulate others that are answered.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Oct 30, 2018

Really good questions here.

What role, if any, does romance play in your D/s or M/s relationship(s)? For instance, do you find it necessary or perhaps just nice? Or is it absent from the dynamic (because there's not really a need to woo?)?



This is a common mistake that folks make. Letting the Identity define the person instead of the other way around.
DO not fall into the pitfall of what you will and wont do because that's what your identity is or inst supposed to do. That is a crock of shit.

I love romancing my love.









What specific or unique characteristics do you find attractive in a Dom(me) or submissive (whichever you aren't)? What are some qualities that instantly turn your off?



I am instantly turned off by playing dumb, being a door mat, entitlement, and the "know it all " mentality.- in all identities of BDSM.







I've been reading about 'power exchanges' in these roles, but I'm not sure I understand that exactly. Is that like switching?



Power exchange is not like switching. i think of switching as an act and power exchange as a emotion.
When ppl switch there is one person holding the whip that usually isnt.
When ppl have a power exchange there is one person who chooses to give up their power and one person who chooses to assume power in the relationship.

In the beginning, as you are starting to understand the concepts think of looking at power exchange as the "seeker" and the "sought".

It happens with parents and kids as especially in abusive situations. The parent is the sought and the child is the seeker .


If we take this examples and translate it into power exchange:

The abusive parents have the power and the abused kids have none. When kids get older and are in therapy they are given exercises to take their power back. To create a more balanced relationship with their parent. Theses things may include not accepting verbal or physical abuse. Limiting space and time spent with the parent and or setting down ground rules for conversations. And holding themselves and the parent accountable in lapses.

This is a non consensual power exchange.

I use this to illustrate a very complex concept of what power exchange feels/looks/presents like. We all do it everyday with just about everyone we meet in lesser of greater degrees. We can be in both roles simultaneously. We can seek the attention of our spouse and be sought by our kids.


So imagine if spouses- before they were allowed to marry- had to negotiate the household?
How would that change marriage today?

When one chooses to give up their power in a relationship that is negotiated and healthy it can create growth and stability. There is a relaxation that comes from knowing what everyone is supposed to do.










Do you ever feel like two or more of your kinks conflict? Like if I really was drawn to the nurturing/ protection of a Daddy but then also felt a draw to degradation and humiliation-- I don't, not the latter two, but I'm just wondering how those desires get reconciled inside of you? Do you just play out different scenes? Or pick a lane and stick with a partner who fills out one really well? Identify the greater desire/need and feed it?



This goes back to not letting the identities define YOU.
You define what kind of identity that you want to be.
Let me give you an example. I am an emotionally available Master.
those two things- based on fiction of what a Master presents like should not be.
At first I thought I had to choose - My emotional health or my identity. Then I realized that I didn't have to choose.
I am a very capable Master that openly loves and adores their slave. And FUCK ALL to anyone who says I cant be both.
I am a three dimensional being so is my love, and I am not about to stop doing that things that bring me joy and fulfillment because someone else--- WHO does not have to live my life---- says I cant be that and a Master.