So Who Pays: First Meets

I never ask my partner to take the bill, but he's a gentleman and gets the tab; however, I have done it at times. The first meeting is to see if there's a connection, and the second meeting is more like a date to see if the connection is still there but they rather pay if the second meeting just saying but no one wants to waste there time nothing should be forced. Create a foundation for something special by choosing a relaxed setting, like a charming coffee shop or picturesque park, where you can genuinely connect without pressure. You can keep things casual by splitting the bill or bringing a picnic to enjoy together. Being open about expectations upfront allows for a natural flow, and if conversation sparks, that's wonderful. If not, parting ways amicably is perfectly fine. Perhaps meeting at a quaint bookstore or library, with coffee in hand, could be the perfect backdrop for a lovely connection. Prioritizing connection over elaborate plans sets the stage for something meaningful.

For me I would expect to pay for myself, I think when first meeting you are both equals.

Having done this before, he generally pays (male Dom, female sub dynamic). That being said I try to pick a place where I could afford to pay for myself (I'm a broke bitch) and usually offer. But generally he insists.

Chivalry is not dead. A dominant should pay for his/her submissive on the first meet.

I don't know about who "should" do what. I never expect someone to pay but some people insist. I've not actually been on many dates but the dates I imagine are not requiring much expense (picnics, walks in the park, etc).

I wouldn't dream of worrying so much about the monetary side of things if my aim/desire is for a person's time, we can do that for free! Lol

Wanting a rule to follow for who pays first speaks to the tremendous need Doms and subs have for structure. The security of defined roles, rules, expectations, and protocols, are why many choose this lifestyle. The need for structure is so great we want guidelines to follow for everything.

Yeah, so why wouldn't we find comfort in the days of chivalry when society constricted gender roles to that of being a Lady or a Gentlemen. All the rules and expectations were clear, unambiguous, and strictly enforced by closed, rigid society.

I'm old, and a little, but not too, old school. The last woman I dated, when I asked her out, I knew, and she expected, that I would pay for everything. I was willing and glad to if only for the pleasure of her company over meals I wouldn't have otherwise eaten without someone to enjoy them with. In fact, there was nothing I didn't pay for in our time together, but it was more out of necessity than chivalry. Yeah, my ego gets something out of paying for everything, but it's really not a great idea. Expecting a man to pay for everything is a one size fits all solution to a riddle that's riddled with riddles and would be so much easier if there were one answer.

When I was younger, I went on spring break with a girl from another University I had visited. We wrote letters (imagine that) for a couple of months detailing our trip, what she would pay for and what I would pay for. I remember a restaurant in which we both got out our wallets in front of the cashier and she laughed. Who's money am I supposed to take? Well, it was both, always. We never bothered servers with separate bills. I mean, they were hand written back then and not calculated instantly by computer. We just divided it on the spot, never down to the penny, or even the dollar, but close enough to take care of each other.

This forum post intrigued me so I asked my daughter about it. She said it's stupid to expect a man to pay for everything.

Unless it's me, I guess. I told her she never minds me paying for everything. "Well, if you raised me like a princess, don't expect not to treat me like one." Fair enough, but that raises a point, too. That first date sets expectations. What happens when paying for everything becomes a burden?

Sometimes I throw my coat in a mud puddle to protect her pretty shoes, but it feels like a waste of a good coat. Sometimes I'd throw all of my jackets into that puddle and not think twice. The point is there's always some value exchanged in paying for things. If it's out of chivalry it's your honor. You aren't a penny pinching cheap fuck and don't want to appear to be one. If it's out of love, there's no price you wouldn't pay.

I guess that's why my daughter gets the princess treatment, but also why I wasn't thrilled paying her mom's alimony.

My daughter told me about boys she'd let pay for everything because she knew they wouldn't expect something in return. Treating her just made them feel good. She also told me about insisting she pay her half of everything on a prom date she went on because she didn't trust the guy not to want something for his "chivalry".

She says letting someone pay for everything could be giving them your power, and make you feel weak. So, yeah, I understand why she says it's stupid to expect a man to pay for everything. Unless, of course, it's me... lol.. but, yeah, she's a woman I'd throw all of my coats in the mud for and feel bad I didn't have a coat for every puddle she had to cross in life.

On a first date, though, you're setting expectations. That last woman I paid for everything for, well, after one of our dates, she asked for one coat too many. That was my fault. I set those expectations.

Settling who pays for what, before you embark on your journey, is best. That way the only expectation is to respect each other's agency. There's more structure and security in that than a rule that makes either one of you pay for everything.

I mean in the end, we all wind up paying. Why not help each other balance it out so no one's stuck with a bill that hurts.

To me it depends on the situation. If it's a first meeting ever, like we have only been chatting online. I like to meet at a coffee shop in a town with a nearby park so we can walk and talk or if the weather isn't great we can just chat in the coffee shop.

If I've known the person for awhile or have met them in person at say an event or in a casual introduction through a friend, I will talk to them about expectations before we go out. If we both agree on low expectations and just a meeting to see how compatible we are in person, then I request to split the bill. If they insist ahead of time on paying and that it's something they feel they should do as a Dominant than I let them.

I find it fascinating how something as simple as who pays and for what during a first meeting can tell me a lot about someone. For example, the people who say "I'll pay, but you'll get down on your knees too." (Or something similar) 😒 Sometimes it's an instant "No thank you. Im actually good by myself." And I don't talk to them again. But it's super awkward in my mind for someone to say that. Like how do you put a price on blowjob or sex? "A $100 for a minute?" Or "I didn't enjoy the meal so...you don't get to enjoy my body?" Just seems odd to me when people do or say things like that.