Love and BDSM

Love and BDSM

LittleMe​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2018

I have the question replaying often in my mind; Can someone hurt and love me at the same time?

Coming from a childhood that was filled with physical beatings by parents who I believed love me I like to beleive this is possible to love and hurt someone but parent/child Dom/sub lover/lover relationships are quite different in my eyes (I have had therapy and face to face discussions with both parents to address and deal with this before anyone questions)

Can anyone help me here? Is there love in pain? Or can you never hurt someone (physically Or emotionally) you truly love?

Or do I need to separate the two? A loving relationship and a D/s relarionship where I am open to being hurt?

WetWhenWhipped88​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2018

Love and pain are certainly capable of coexisting.

For me personally, it would be impossible to love me in any intimate relationship capacity and be incapable of inflicting pain. It is part of me, a part of my physical needs. I do not mean it is a sexual need in the bedroom. I mean, for my mental health, I need a small dose of pain in the way that a diabetic needs insulin.

I was not beaten as a child. There is no deep psychological scar that explains my need for pain. It simply delivers that rush of hormones and endorphins that most women turn to chocolate for.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Nov 2, 2018

It can absolutely coexist, imo.

I'm still new to everything and we haven't gone far into S&M at all, but if my husband asked for more pain (Really all I've done is slapping his ass or scratching up his back), I would be completely willing to discuss to find out limits and then execute.

For me personally I couldn't go /too far/ (mutilation, lasting damage, things like that) but that could just be cause that's one of my limits.

LittleMe​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2018

I feel the same way. I feel no connection to my childhood with BDSM at all.....There may be links but I don’t use it as a cover up or coping mechanism etc.

Thank you for your input

Eye-C​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2018

You raise a number of questions with this post and I think something that feeds into the topic which is of huge importance is your consent. It's sad to read your parents physically abused you as a child. I think you'll agree your consent to such beatings was never sought but imposed upon you and not an experience you consented to.

Can love and emotional hurt happily Co exist? IMHO no.... To emotionally hurt or abuse someone who loves you reveals them to be a cold hearted domineering persona, whose sole intention is to control in a non consensual manner... Nothing loving about that abusiveness.

Can love and physical hurt co exist?
As long as you are to some degree masochistic, and the pain sensation doesn't exceed your limits or breach your consent, then Yes... Once the pain experience takes place in a setting and context you're comfortable with.

Do you need to seperate a loving relationship from a D/s one?

Not necessarily... Again how you blend and merge to two dynamics is down to key issues like again consent and effective communication speaking to how both parties needs are to be met.

WetWhenWhipped88​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2018

I completely agree with Eye-C. The consent is everything.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 2, 2018

I could not do what I do unless I had a genuine amount of love for my love. I can't inflict what you would call pain unless I have a genuine and deep connection with who it is that I'm playing with. Love lets me be able to inflict what you would call pain with confidence and joy.

I do not separate the two they act in tandem. It is the love that I have for my love that allows me to go further in her scenes. It is the love that I have for my love that allows me to read her better when we play.

I have a very small amount of people that I play with. Every person that I play with I have a deep connection with and that includes loving them.

In my opinion, love is what separates BDSM from abuse. Love is what allows consent. Love is what gives depth and joy and heart to what we do.

Non-consent is born out of the inability to love. Consent is born out of the ultimate love.

I love my love so much. I am so deeply proud of her. And I use all of those emotions during play.

In my opinion, if you separate love from BDSM then why even bother playing with somebody?

TheJackdaw​(switch male){Collared} • Nov 2, 2018

This is such an interesting topic and completely agree with MasterBear about how I couldn’t do what I do without love.

My thoughts on pain are that throughout our lives we rarely experience pain without trauma - physical pain is rarely separate from the mental pain. And sadly for great many people that pain has come from some very sad situations growing up.

For me, bdsm is where we are free to experience and experiment with our physical thresholds while freeing ourselves from the trauma. Unless one is into humiliation of course. And that freedom from trauma is replaced by trusting and nurturing and loving and above all else respect.