Appeal and Lack of Experience

Hawkeye • Nov 2, 2018

I have to agree with fabservus here. Although I would change the word serious with the word trust. I personally am not into rope but many submissives are This brought me to my first rope class. I was fortunate enough to be friended by an experienced rope master who explained to me that I should never " practice/experiment " with my submissive. The reason being it is all about trust. If you are unsure in what you are doing, she will see that and be unsure about you. I agree with this.

@EnforcedBliss​(dom male)

KittySunflower​(sub female) • Nov 2, 2018

@bunny. Love everything you said. Especially to learn learn learn. That's where I'm at right now. And mainly learn about you first. I'm in the process when it comes to learning the bdsm me.

I posed a similar question, (mainly about the use of titles which is one thing that you'll have to learn about you, and one thing I'm learning about. About what I want to call someone and want to be called. I'm learning about the type of Dom I really want long term) to a Dom I meet on here whom I chat with personally now as friends.
So again you'll see the use of the word, experience. And you'll hear how he's grown an change even with years of experience.

What's appealing to me is that a Dom has put his time and energy into learning since you're given trust and power exchange. You have to care and build trust. As someone said local groups/classes are great. Also, the right mental attitude is key. No matter how much experience when with someone new you still have to learn about them and care.

Anyway, I'm not sure if he'd want his name attached to this but this was his response.... Hope it helps. @EnforcedBliss​(dom male) If you ever want to talk to him message me.

You asked what I think and so I'll give you my philosophy.

I think that the first time you do bdsm it's important to do it with someone you are comfortable with and someone with experience. You don't want to have your first experience sour you on your true sexuality.

Women online tend toward looking for a "forever dom" and not wanting to do anything unless they feel that they are in some sort of deep forever relationship, which they somehow think can be achieved online. It's like Vanilla you are unlikely to meet mr right the first time on a date. And even more so, there is such a small fraction of us into this, and a large fraction of those who are have various issues.

My philosophy is that in any bdsm relationship you can find a sweet spot where the Dom and sub interactions work for both of you. Give and take. Sometimes you may end up being tortured (I used that as play, not real torture) in ways you don't really like but it's something your Dom really likes, so you engage in that play for him. Sometimes the Dom will need to do things you like that are not high on his list.

As to the formalities, come on, this is not the military, there are no regulations of how one is addressed. We are all people all the same, just some express their sexuality as subs and some as Doms.

In the end you need to find ways to interact where both are enjoying things, if that is not the case then it's not working as it should.

shahh • Nov 2, 2018

There are some great replies here and some that appear to have missed the mark on your intentions.

Reading, research, self reflection and practicing techniques on your blow-up doll (you know you have one) ... 3 of these are beyond important.

At a certain point, actual humans need to be involved in this learning process and i completely understand limited access to open communities/workshops (must be a Canadian polite dicreet thing). My partner and Domme didn't realize her affinity for all things kink until I figuratively bull whipped it into her head that my submissive nature is inescapable. After reading, researching and communication galore we practised. And i tell ya, those first sessions were grrreeeeaaaat ??

My humble suggestion for rope or bondage rookie practice when do-it-yourself learning:

Step 1: gather supplies
Step 2: find a good tv show or movie for your 'acting' sub to watch (during intial practice be equals)
Step 3: decide on safeword knowing this won't even come close to being used
Step 4: begin practising whichever technique asking for all feedback possible. (Comfort, numbness, aching, BREATHING!!, etc). If feedback stops...find out why immediately!! (Sometimes falling asleep happens. Sorry aboooot it ?)
Step 5: Practice releasing your acting sub (important too!!)
Step 6: Buy your acting sub a lovely dinner as a thank you.

Have fun and play safe!!!

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Nov 2, 2018

Nicely said @ shahh. I, personally don’t have an issue with inexperienced Doms, despite my own limited experience. I think that you have to learn somehow. You can’t teach someone to swim without getting into the water can you? Like anything, as long as you have trust and communication .. keeping safety concerns in the forefront of your mind and taking it slow... then you need to be able to practise and explore with someone so you can truly learn and uncover everything this lifestyle has to offer.

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2018

Phxkitty such a detailed and and considered post deserves first proper acknowledgement - thank-you - and second and equally considered reply.

@EnforcedBliss​(dom male)
13 hours ago • Fri Nov 02, 2018 4:55 am
"...mainly learn about you first. I'm in the process when it comes to learning the bdsm me." <--- It is amazing how you can live with yourself 24/7 and still no so little about yourself until you start to actively study yourself. It's a cool process but sometimes you come face to face with something you weren't prepared for lol. Here there be dragons.

"What's appealing to me is that a Dom has put his time and energy into learning since you're given trust and power exchange. You have to care and build trust." <---- I think Trust, Care and Communication should joined the other abbreviations as one of the mantras. Without those three things you have danger and a high threat of abuse and damage. Always worth repeating.

"Also, the right mental attitude is key." <--- One of the bigger revelations to me is how much of the whole experience is between the ears as opposed to the legs. I always had a vague hint of it but never any real idea of the expansiveness of it. That's why it's so great to have places like this. So much wisdom.

"No matter how much experience when with someone new you still have to learn about them and care." <--- An excellent and subtle point. Inexperience plus consideration and care may be at least on par with experienced but callous. Of course inexperience and callous would just suck.

"Anyway, I'm not sure if he'd want his name attached to this but this was his response.... Hope it helps. @EnforcedBliss​(dom male) If you ever want to talk to him message me." <--- Thank-you very much! I will take you up on that. Very kind of you both.

"You asked what I think and so I'll give you my philosophy." <--- Please do *pulls up a chair and sits riveted*

"I think that the first time you do bdsm it's important to do it with someone you are comfortable with and someone with experience. You don't want to have your first experience sour you on your true sexuality." <---- I'm looking forward to a true experience as opposed to the dangerous, clumsy random stupid approach my partner's and I historically took.

"Women online tend toward looking for a "forever dom" and not wanting to do anything unless they feel that they are in some sort of deep forever relationship, which they somehow think can be achieved online. It's like Vanilla you are unlikely to meet mr right the first time on a date. And even more so, there is such a small fraction of us into this, and a large fraction of those who are have various issues. " <-- Not touching this with a ten-foot pole

"My philosophy is that in any bdsm relationship you can find a sweet spot where the Dom and sub interactions work for both of you. Give and take. Sometimes you may end up being tortured (I used that as play, not real torture) in ways you don't really like but it's something your Dom really likes, so you engage in that play for him. Sometimes the Dom will need to do things you like that are not high on his list." <---- I suppose no different than any relationship. Balance, give and take, consideration and generosity. Extra important in this context I'd think because of the risks involved .

"As to the formalities, come on, this is not the military, there are no regulations of how one is addressed. We are all people all the same, just some express their sexuality as subs and some as Doms." <--- Hey, some of us like formality :p Really though, every community or group has it's rituals, customs and conventions that are easy for the unwary to trip across (shows stump gifted to me by a landmine I trod upon) and I try to obey the forms of the society I'm in. Doesn't work for a damn in meat-space so I may as well try it here lol.


Again, thank-you very much for all you put into this.

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2018

"There are some great replies here and some that appear to have missed the mark on your intentions. " <---- Some people just have am over-active sense of community responsibility lol. It is better (though more strident) than an under active one I think.

"Reading, research, self reflection and practicing techniques on your blow-up doll (you know you have one)" No I fucking don't! .... yet. *begins making a list*

"At a certain point, actual humans need to be involved in this learning process" <---- And I certainly hope that they will be

"and i completely understand limited access to open communities/workshops (must be a Canadian polite dicreet thing)." Yeah, but we make a mean beaver-tail

"My partner and Domme didn't realize her affinity for all things kink until I figuratively bull whipped it into her head that my submissive nature is inescapable. After reading, researching and communication galore we practised. And i tell ya, those first sessions were grrreeeeaaaat ?? " <----- Yayyyy for you guys! That is what I'm working toward.

"My humble suggestion for rope or bondage rookie practice when do-it-yourself learning:

Step 1: gather supplies <--- any specific suggestions or recommendations you have would be welcome
Step 2: find a good tv show or movie for your 'acting' sub to watch (during intial practice be equals) <---- can you elaborate please?
Step 3: decide on safeword knowing this won't even come close to being used <---- Very worth repeating. Always!
Step 4: begin practising whichever technique asking for all feedback possible. (Comfort, numbness, aching, BREATHING!!, etc). If feedback stops...find out why immediately!! (Sometimes falling asleep happens. Sorry aboooot it ?) <---- No matter how stupid I've been I've always paid close attention to this. We want to end up in smiles, not hospital or prison. And causing actual damage like that violate Care Consideration and Trust.
Step 5: Practice releasing your acting sub (important too!!) <------ But wwwwhhhhhyyyyyyyy? Do I hafta?
Step 6: Buy your acting sub a lovely dinner as a thank you. <--- Of course, and if she was really good I'll even let her order lol

Have fun and play safe!!!" <---- always (well from now on) you too Shahh!

Thanks Shahh, I always come away from you a little wiser

shahh • Nov 2, 2018

I am far to lazy and tired to properly reply...but what i meant as 'equals' when starting is sometimes practising on a friend or a sub without the D/s dynamic present. An 'equal" buddy will say "jeebus fuck dude that hurt and i can't feel my left testicle!' Someone considering themselves as your sub in that moment may either diminish their expressed pain experience, flat out try to hide it, or get too turned on and have more difficulty giving you full and accurate feedback.

shahh • Nov 2, 2018

I am far to lazy and tired to properly reply...but what i meant as 'equals' when starting is sometimes practising on a friend or a sub without the D/s dynamic present. An 'equal" buddy will say "jeebus fuck dude that hurt and i can't feel my left testicle!' Someone considering themselves as your sub in that moment may either diminish their expressed pain experience, flat out try to hide it, or get too turned on and have more difficulty giving you full and accurate feedback.

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 2, 2018

You said that already :p

shahh • Nov 2, 2018

Sigh. Technological gitches? Or point needing to be made twice? You make the call.