Consequences for Invoking Safe-Word

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2018

This is a killer idea. I'm going to remember that. Thanks!

EnforcedBliss​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2018

A couple of very wise and kind people have suggested the following system as one in use in some places.

Red - stop
Yellow - nearing the limits
Green - Yeah baby!!

I won't use this system as is because I like to discuss the various marks and "red" falls too naturally into that conversation. But I will adapt it so it will fit with me and... looks around.... me I guess lol.

WetWhenWhipped88​(sub female) • Nov 3, 2018

I have this problem. I have mental scars from being psychologically abused while I was growing up, and part of those scars have left me with a constant fear of disappointment/"everything is my fault."

Because of that, I can't imagine being punished for using a safe word; although I have had punishments for not using the safe word when I should have.
A proper dom is supposed to test, find, know, and even nurture your limits. Never should he abuse them or make you feel badly for them.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2018

You misunderstand. Calling a safe word is fine and is not relationship ending, should not be with any reasonable, caring, ethical dom. However if the sub, bottom etc calls a safe word and the dom/top etc handles it badly, ignores it etc then there are consequences for that, not the sub using their safe word. It is that, that I am referring to when I say that could result in 'damaged trust, a hurt, infured sub, ruined relationship, destroyed reputation etc.' Of course if a dom ignores a safe word or says a sub can't have one then that in my view should be a relationship ender.

Any well run, ethical playspace, public/group dungeon will not under any circumstances do that if a sub safe words. However if a dom, top ignores a safe word called out in that venue, then often the dom who ignored the safe word will be asked to leave the venue, may well have goup/venue membership revoked and certainly no one will want to play with them. Ignorring a safe word will guarantee reputation distruction and in my view rightfully so. That rule regarding safe words and conseqences if ignored will be in most clubs/dungeons rules of conduct, event rules etc and by attending you agree to abide by them. Only dangerous, reckless abusers refuse and don't listen to safe words. People like that should not be allowed in public spaces, though sadly they do often manage to survive in online, private spaces.

I agree with Phanes, its a no brainer that anywhere that doesn't allow safe word use, and there are repercussion if one is used I would give that place, venue, party, group a wide birth, that sounds to me like an abusers charter.

NaivelyOptimistic​(sub female) • Nov 3, 2018

How often do subs safe word (I'm sure this varies, but is it once a year? almost never? weekly?)? Do they normally safe word more in the beginning of exploring BDSM/ a relationship because they're figuring out their personal limits or how they interact with a new Dom, so it's easier to bump up against those limits?

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2018

I would urge you to use this system as its universal and most public dungeons, play spaces, parties events will enforce it. Once a scene is over, aftercare given and the scene being discussed then mention of red marks etc is within a different context and should not be an issue. Of course you are free to adopt whatever system suits you, but within a public space you will have no choice and often signing the agreement re that spaces rules you are agreeing to using the traffic light system. Using the traffic light system from get go is simple and easy to use, remember and clearly establishes the guides re how play is going. It came into being because its unabiguous and clear and can't be mistake for anything else.

However in a loud music environmemt where you might not hear a red call or any of the other words it might be wise to have hand gestures as a back up along side the use of the words. Also if the sub, is gagged and can't use their hands, or speak then I would recommend using dropping a brightly coloured, glow in the dark or white hard rubber ball as a safe word indicator.

Phanes​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2018

It's not something that you could really put your finger on as far as how often anyone uses a safe word. But you would think those who are new to the lifestyle and just exploring their Kinks or scenes and don't know their limits or their pain threshold will use them more often than those who are experienced within the lifestyle. It is up to the couples to discuss limitations or expectations before entering into a session so they both have some idea as to how far one can push the other. Keeping in mind of the safe words in the event things get too intense or the submissive has reached her pain threshold

WetWhenWhipped88​(sub female) • Nov 3, 2018

For me, I tend to use it more in the beginning of a relationship as we get to know one another and capabilities. I think it also largely depends on what the D/s relationship entails. For instance, I greatly enjoy pain and being pushed right to the edge of my limits before being given pleasure. That means that we have to find and test those limits, and they change sometimes depending on the scene or my body or my doms strength... does that make sense?
A D/s relationship that was less about pain and more about servitude would likely not require the safe word as often. I wouldn't know from experience, it just seems like you would be less likely to scream "pineapple" from scrubbing a floor than from being caned.... Not that I have ever used "pineapple" as a safe word. Lol. Now that seems funny.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2018

That is a very hard question to answer because it will vary.

I guess it is used as much as it needs to be.

I think constant checking in by the dom during those early stages of exploration by asking how the sub feels regularly, adjusting to their feedback would be a good way. By letting a sub feel toys used, with a scale of say 1 to 10 used to guage reactions and sensitivity to that toys use. Its helpful for the dom to learn how their play partner is feeling about the items in use, but also how these feel to the sub. So 1 is fine, 2 ok, 3 yes, 4 bit sore but ok, 5 thats about where I want to stop etc - with 10 being full force. So constant checking in and feed back early on is a great thing to do. I think using green and yellow at this stage would be very useful as well, being frank saying yellow should be all thats required to prevent things getting to a red.

As this is exploration and not a scene as such that is not a mood breaker, but even in a scene its possible to check in and not break the mood if the dom/top is clever with their word use, tone while doing this the scene vibe can be maintained. I think that taking things very slowly, and carefully is the best way and hopefully nothing goes wrong.

If someone is completely new, this is harder than if someone has some experience already, and as such a lot of very attentive care and skill would be required in doing it.

Hope the above helps, the answer to your questions could fill a chapter in a book.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Nov 3, 2018

No problem, indeed it does.