More than One

More than One

Fate • Dec 7, 2018

I’ve been hesitant to ask this question because I feel like I’m going to get harsh responses from those who misunderstand my intent behind the query. So, please, don’t hear what I am not saying. I say what I mean, and I mean what I say. No hidden agenda.

I’m not at all being rebellious here or in any way trying to evoke a scorned sub uprising. Lol. I’m just very new and thus unaware of some of the rationales behind certain rules (albeit unspoken ) surrounding the lifestyle.

And actually, rules is not the right word, but I’m concussed right now and cannot think of the proper one. Bents, maybe?

Anyway, my question is this:


~*~*~*~Why is it okay for Doms to have more than one sub, but not okay for subs to have more than one Dom?~*~*~*~


This is an honest question.

Am I misunderstanding that the above seems to be true/the case?

I’m genuinely curious. I’m not being obstinate at all against the way things work. I just really want and, because double-standards are a huge 50caliber negative trigger for me, I really need to know legitimate answers to this question. No vitriol please.

Thoughts?

Sorry so long, and thanks in advance for feedback and any insight you can provide.

Faters

Freya369 • Dec 7, 2018

Dear Fate,

Don't ever be uncertain about asking a question. Actually, yours is a great one! I am very new to all this too and feel even more awkward in having to admit that your question has never popped into my mind at all...so you see there is always someone more clueless!

So I read your profile and it is quite clear that from that, and you state very clearly what you do and do not want. As I just happen to agree with your approach, we can deduce you have answered at least part of your question.

This concerns "focus" and a "commitment level" which you describe would make the relationship dynamic work for you.

I have thought a lot about why I am so, and always have been, almost fixed on monogamy. Although, by no means a complete list, focus, commitment and with hopefully, an intensity of experience, I just don't see how I could handle that level with more than one person! Surely, most people here would agree that these relationship have an extra "wow factor!" And it is recognised as being very addictive. Maybe that's another part of the answer, some have a larger capacity for the biochemical release.

As a fairly equal "switch" note to self, must change my profile, I can attest that the intensity is on both sides of the pendulum, but I am a woman, and obviously can not know what a male Dom is experiencing. So, we need male Dom perspective.

The complexity of adding additional people to this dynamic, seems at least for me out of the question. I think spontaneous combustion springs to mind!

In addition, it's clear not everyone experiences the intensity of "anything" in exactly the same way, vanilla or kink, stamina, emotional intelligence or the lack thereof, must come into play. How does the Dom/sub experience differ among all the permeatations that are possible, in terms of the list sited above? I know some here will think I might be being a bit discourteous, but I often use a bit of Northern UK humour to get my point across.

If, someone is pretending to be a small domestic pet, or playing a small rodent with their owner, just what determines the limit on the number of pets one could have? Obviously, I need help understanding how quantity is arrived at and by what criteria. Not judging...just trying to understand.

DrWakko • Dec 7, 2018

The "issue" of a submissive having more than one Dom is: who do you listen to and who do you have to 'disobey'". It would be like someone who has three direct boss you have to answer to. Who do you listen to? Whose orders do you ignore.

If you have a primary Dom and that Dom says you can't spend a weekend with a partner and you are with a Dom that says you will spend the weekend with them. What do you do?

Yes, communication is important no matter the dynamic. But it is easier to have one boss than many.

HisRedd{Self} • Dec 7, 2018

As I always do , I only speak for me....

I personally can only serve one. I think it has to do with the level I aim to please him. If I give my submission that I give my heart, body and mind. Therefore I don’t have any more room for another. I still learning as well so this concept might not apply to everyone. If that is what one is looking for I am sure someone out there might feel the same. We all are looking for something specific. So great question!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 7, 2018

Great question.

Dont know who your talking to.

But subs can have as many D types as they want.

Bunnie • Dec 7, 2018

@ Fate, it concerns me that you were worried about asking a question here ... even if things become inflamed, it’s very rarely a reflection on the original poster. Please don’t ever feel like you can’t ask something... no matter how “silly” you may think it seems.

As for your question:

“Why is it okay for Doms to have more than one sub, but not okay for subs to have more than one Dom?”

My answer is simple...
It’s up to the individuals involved. I know a few subs (online mostly) who have more than one Dom... and it seems to work fine for those involved. In a way, subs who are married and who have a Dom are “serving” more than one person. Poly. Kinksters. There are endless combinations. M/s it’s not as common... but still does happen also. Very few people have a “traditional” mindset... unless you find yourself amongst the Leather community or those more geared towards Old Guard.

For myself? It’s simply that I like to give 100% focus to one person. I struggle to share my attention... kind of like being a very poor multitasker. I struggle enough to please one Dominant as it is lol... more than one would kill me... they are after all, a pretty demanding bunch :b

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Dec 7, 2018

Speaking from the perspective of a Dom - I only want one sub. It's a personal preference as I think, like just about every situation in life, it is up to the people directly involved to define what works for them.

I am aware there are some who decide for themselves things have to be a certain way or they won't move forward. So I am sure there are Doms who expect to have multiple subs while their subs remain loyal to them. That's their preference and as long as they are up front about it, then a sub knows what she is getting into and can decide for herself if right.

I will not take another sub while I am with mine. My preference.

For me, I put so much of myself into the relationship I just don't feel like I could play with multiple subs as a regular thing. That works for me.

If you want one on one, then stick to your guns. If other types of relationships work for you, go for it.

Dominus Blakesley​(dom male){Amaris Anc} • Dec 7, 2018

DrWakko's reply--my words exactly.
Although it is not *looked down upon* for subs to have more than one Dom, it is incredibly difficult for the party involved to coordinate. The "Who do you listen to/disobey" would be one of the key complications with that situation. Not only that, but each Dom, I am sure, would have their own individual Contracts with that one sub. The Contracts can completely contradict each other, worst comes to worst, so what would the sub be able to do then?
On the other hand, having multiple subs is not only easier to coordinate and have a working relationship, but there are *no* dispute between each individual sub (not counting favoritism/jealousy, if any,). As a Dom, one can have the same or different Contracts for each sub they sign with into their life, and there would not be any issue. In one Contract, one sub cannot do this, while in a different Contract, the sub can do exactly that and more. While it can be difficult to try and enforce each individual clause and whatnot for each sub, it can be done, and really, if one sub has an issue with being able/not being able to do something when another sub can/cannot, one can easily make changers or be heavy-handed and say, "You signed the Contract, we may discuss suspending it for now to alter the clauses regarding [such and such]."
In short, both can be done, but one would be more difficult and risky for the sub(s) than the other. Communication is key for any solid relationship of any kind, right along with trust and loyalty. To take part in either of those types of relationships you mentioned would require much, *much*, communication, all the more trying but all the more gratifying for the relationship should it prove to be a success in the long term.

Dominus Blakesley​(dom male){Amaris Anc} • Dec 7, 2018

To add on to my earlier reply, my lover had just read over this topic and gave her two cents about the matter.

"In general, I guess it's okay for a sub to have multiple Doma. But personally? The way I see it, and this is for my case, you give your *all*, yourself, what makes you, you, to your Dom, as he gives all to you. You don't give partial or half-ass it to your Dom then give yourself to another at the same time.. Because even if you try to, how can you give all of yourself to multiple people?"

Now, my lover's response puts a spin of perspective on it. I am actually quite curious... Are there any subs out there who share the same ideas as my lover here? To only being able to give all of yourself to one Dom, not multiple?

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Dec 7, 2018

@ Dominus Blakesley,

I don’t agree with the idea that you can’t give 100% of yourself to multiple people ... but I agree with Wakko and your lover that you can’t give 100% of yourself to multiple Doms. This is because having more than one Dom is bound to cause confliction and then who would you obey/disobey?

Saying that, I think that there are many exceptions to this. For instance, you may have a masochist with little tendencies who wants both a Daddy Dom and a Sadist - both fulfill a different need and are less likely to overlap. It seems like strong comminication skills would be key here.

I guess what it boils down to, is that it all depends on each individual relationship/dynamic. You also have those who are strictly monogamous, who don’t like to share and are unable to give 100% of themselves to more than one person. Then you have those who are poly at heart, and are easily able to give all of themselves to multiple people.