New Dom

New Dom

LilGirl71​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2019

Hello, I'm in a trial period with a new Dom. I think I may fall short of his expectations and experince.
He told me to text him as if I was a whore., I thought I did really good, he said need to improve. My only Dom was my husband, he and I entered into the lifestyle together, however he struggled to preform as a Dom due to his personal and mental comflicts, and I continued to learn the lifestyle. Knowing now why my relationships failed in the past, I can't live in a vinialla life, not all the time, so needless to say we're now divorced. Attempting any dating site esp a bdsm one is so hard to actually find a relationship vrs a hook up. Any way, so my new Dom,I haven't slept with yet, texts me only about demands not about, hey what did eat for lunch, how's your day..is this normal for Doms to not engage in normal communication or is it because I'm on trail and not yet owned by him?
Any advise..please

Phanes​(dom male) • Jan 30, 2019

The first step in determining any possible D/s relationship, is by getting to know each other on a personal level outside of the lifestyle. To see if you have any common interests, if you have any chemistry between the two of you, to learn what your hobbies, likes dislikes and so forth like any other relationship. You need this build a strong bond, Trust, and respect between the two of you. If he's not willing to do that then he is not right for you.

Slinkymalinky41 • Jan 30, 2019

It seems like he's jumped straight into sexual talk without getting to know you first. This seems backwards. In my opinion, he should first get to know you, find out more about you, what you like and dislike, see if you have well matched personalities, see if you both are looking for the same dynamic and relationship. I would go slowly and ask him to pull back from sexual tasks or discussions until you have a better understanding of each other. If he refuses, it could be that he's only looking for kinky sex and not a true D/s relationship. Good luck!

LilGirl71​(sub female) • Jan 30, 2019

Thank you both very much. It makes complete sense. I considered other dating site,not with in our lifestyle, to see if there was a hidden Dom in one of these men, but I realized I'm trying to damn hard.
I feel without giving my submission, I'm loosing who I am as a woman,and hense despise being alone. Over all I'm simply a better woman with a man. Loneliness us difficult on any level, now let's throw in a submissive personality with no one to submit too, now it feel's even more dark.
I thought about going to some gatherings, but without intent to participate, I don't swing, but in Il. There's not many and I would still be solo. Idk.
Thank you both for taking the time to help me.

Slinkymalinky41 • Jan 30, 2019

So I totally understand the urge to jump in just to be able to scratch the itch of submission, but with so many fakes around it really pays to take a little more time. However, you could look for local munches - if you don't know, a munch is a gathering, usually with lunch, for people with kinks. A social event basically.

I would definitely advise caution while searching though. However, this can be an amazing experience with the right person. Keep me posted!

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Jan 30, 2019

A munch is a gathering normally over food, with like mided ppl. And a good place to start with just meeting ppl in your area. And even if you went to an event where there was some sort of play you dont have to be involed in it.

And i agree that it seems that this dom you are dealing with seems to have jumped steps to say. Botn of you should be getting to know one another as people first. There is so much more to this lifestyle and to being a dom or sub than SEX.

dollMaker​(dom male) • Jan 30, 2019

'......so my new Dom,I haven't slept with yet, texts me only about demands not about, hey what did eat for lunch, how's your day..is this normal for Doms to not engage in normal communication or is it because I'm on trail and not yet owned by him?
Any advise..please'

Kink relationships are relationships and should be that. a two way process of learning and growing together and for a dom to learn about his/her sub, and the sub to learn about the dom, to deepen the connection there should be in my view a broad range of conversation, not just about kink but everday life things as well. It is my view and that of many others that while some conversation about kink early on is fine, getting to know the person, before the kink is a better approach because safe, suitable for the person involved, kink needs to be practiced in the light of knowing the person. Without an indepth knowledge of the person, physical, emotional, mental there can't, in my view, be any depth to the kink, and worse it could be potentially very dangerous to mind, emotion and body.

Any dom, knowledgable, experienced, caring, will as a matter of good practice, in my view, seek out as much about the person before kink, and only begin introducing kink/play aspects to the dynamic once they are sure that what they might like to do with you is suitable and that fully informed consent is in play. Here is the thing, you must consent to every aspect of what you do, are ask to do. Without consent nothing happens. I have said it before but the sub is in charge. You decide what happens and you can say no at anytime.

In my view it is not best practice, unless part of a negotiated, agreed to aspect to exclude normal conversation. If you are not comfortable with this renegotiate (assuming negotiation happened in the first place and what is going on was consented to) and if the dom won't then walk away. Any decent, ethical dom should always be open to renegotiation. If they won't then don't walk, run.

'.... I'm in a trial period with a new Dom. I think I may fall short of his expectations and experince.
He told me to text him as if I was a whore., I thought I did really good, he said need to improve.'

Based on what little you have said and this, which is telling I think, your dom (if they are actually a dom) is after a profider of wank fodder and that is their main focus, wank fodder before the person, that person being you. So I would suggest you ask why they want you doing this. Of course a bit of kinky fun in a relationship is fine, but if that isn't what this is, then what purpose does it serve, particularly if you are not happy about it.

You have a lot to think about.

ropefish • Jan 31, 2019

I agree with the other posts in this thread - there are definitely red flags here that should not be ignored.

Talk to him about your concerns, as openly and honestly as you can. As dollMaker said, he could be chasing wank fodder, or he could just be ignorant of the necessity of a normal human relationship in addition to the power dynamic. If he genuinely doesn't understand, then hopefully he will realize his mistake when you talk to him and set about correcting it. And if he just doesn't care about it, well, it should be obvious after you talk to him about it and then you know you need to move on. Either way, communication is the key.

Good luck!

Bunnie • Jan 31, 2019

Hi @ LilGirl71

Reading your forum post, the thing that stands out to me is this...

“is this normal for Doms to not engage in normal communication...”

The fact that you’re asking this, suggests to me that it’s not sitting well with you.

I can’t say what is right or wrong, or normal or not normal, because we all have different levels of what’s acceptable or not... however, I can say that what I have come to learn is important, is if it feels right to you. I look at this very simply... if it doesn’t feel right for you... then it isn’t. It doesn’t matter how many people tell you it’s right or wrong or normal or abnormal... it comes down to how it feels for you and you alone.

That thing that has you questioning... that’s your gut instinct... learn to trust that... it will be very useful navigating the waters of this lifestyle.

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Jan 31, 2019

@LilGirl

So, all that matters is how you feel about it. Are you and will you be happy if that is the relationship dynamic? If that is not what you want, then you should attempt to talk to him about it if he is completely unwilling to change, and you won't be happy in that relationship long-term, then maybe you guys are too different and you both move on

Anyway, don't worry too much about what is "normal". What is normal for one person is not normal for someone else. I think it is more important to focus on open honesty with each other and being with someone who shares your relationship goals, everything else is secondary in my opinion