Mental illness within the BDSM community

Mental illness within the BDSM community

Neches1836​(dom male) • Sep 26, 2019

Was not sure where to put this. My longest D/s relationship was 23 years and about half way thorough our relaltionship she was diagnosed as being Bipolar and that explained a lot to me about why she acted the way she had. She wanted me to attend her therapy sessions. There I learned that she had been sexually abused as a 5 year old child until she was 8 at the hands of her Grandfather. PTSD was now added to her diagnosises.
She would go on and off uhher meds many times during our relationship and stopped therapy not long after she began.

In her calm/demure state with some depression she was extremely submissive and very gentle and domestic chores done well and completed. Our sex life being plentiful for me but vanilla.
In her manic state her sex drive was in high gear. Our play was rough and hard. Forced sex role play biting scratching and cussing like a sailor. The cuffs and whip came out in this state. Her domestic chores were done in the middle of the night and rarely done well or completed. In this state I truly had to control her and I mean physically sometimes.

The last two years we were together I got laid off work and took a job out of town for 3 days a week and home 4. It was during this time I lost control. She was putting herself in danger with online strangers as well as our bank accounts. She neglected our kids and had two affairs. I caught her during her second affair. I almost killed the man she was cheating on me with. I was and still am a possessive Dom. We are not together anymore. She calls me when she is sad.

I can not prove it but I believe that mental illness and abuse as a child of many of the adults in the BDSM community is much more common than many would admit.
I think this is why SOME are Doms or subs or Littles or sadist or switches etc etc.

Regardless of your role in a relationship have you experienced my situation or something like it? If so has it changed the dynamics of your relationship?

LostJenny​(sub female) • Sep 27, 2019

I have never been in a "real" sub/dom relationship so I cant speak for that but I am bi polar and also have borderline personality disorder.
My childhood was traumatic in many ways. Dark sexual fantasies started age 4.
My memories are very repressed. My most recent psychotherapist tried brainspotting and everything she could think of to help me but was not successful. Plus side I am a dissociative champ.
It has definitely had a huge impact on my sex life, sex drive, desires, fantasies and need to be controlled etc. For me it seems to come in waves. When my moods are heightened, when bad memories are close to the surface, when manic, I am more masochistic/submissive. At these times I also struggle staying faithful to my husband(have only goofed once and it was pretty mild and online) yet I'm never to be forgivin...anyway, yeah, I would agree with you that it def changes the dynamic.

Stranger • Sep 27, 2019

If anyone needs to talk.... I'm here

dollMaker​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2019

Seek out kink friendly counselling and mental health professionals, not some unknown randomers on the internet. Mental health and trauma best discussed with those who are expert in these areas.

Stranger • Sep 27, 2019

Well that's ironic

dollMaker​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2019

I think due to the frank nature of communication to be had, that must be had in the BDSM community, that people are more open about these issues than in vanilla circles, but I dont believe mental health issues or past traumas has anything to do with BDSM choices, or practice anymore than these issues might have among vanilla people, in relation to their sexuality and sexual practice.

It used to be that BDSM activity was included as an indicator of mental illness, an actual mental issue, but thankfully more enlightened research these days has seen that removed from Western medical books, and I have come across research that indicates that those involved in BDSM tend to have better mental health than those that don't.

So I for one, not by the way a medical, or mental health professional, dont see any link, or that any link can be made between those that practice BDSM, and mental health issues or traumas in general, though there may be some instances that it might. There are certainly many people out there who have these problems but are vanilla only.

I think inclination to BDSM practice is more like a sexual orientation, though I know some disagree with that.

Stranger • Sep 27, 2019

Mental health is a big issue.... And it's mostly becuz of ignorance

Misterasmodai​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2019

My experiences with mental health in my kink life are pretty varied. Personally, I was incredibly lucky to have grown up with mostly internal trauma factors, my only real external trauma centered around being taken from other children at a young age for advanced learning classes, which stunted my social awareness and resulted in minor SPD with asperger tendencies. However, beyond that I had a very accepting and supportive childhood, even if no one really knew what was going on in my head.
My subs, on the other hand, are a veritable litany of mental health disorders ranging from manic depression, BPD, and borderline to various psycopathies, sociopathies, DID, schizophrenia, and even one encephalopathy related disorder. I have had dynamics with three therapists (not mine, though I live with one of them and we have been together for over a decade now) a neurologist, and several others who simply share my love of learning and helping.
I have found that, while these situations can certainly be rocky and full of issues that must be addressed medically, simple validation and empathy can go a long way to helping someone reconcile a mental illness. People often disregard the stigmas (perceived or otherwise) attached to mental disorders, and these can add to the baseline disorder a persistent negative influence that can trigger shame spirals and other adjacent afflictions that can exacerbate a mental disorder, sometimes even to a greater degree than the actual disorder itself. While the input of a trained professional is important (as well as not guaranteed to be correct, as mental health professionals are still human, and humans are fully capable of being fuck ups, so do your research before choosing a health professional), often times simply having someone listen and offer empathy and validation can really help someone struggling. Per this, I would condone people like @stranger who choose to offer their time as sounding boards for others who wish to talk (as long as people like @stranger avoid impersonating actual mental health professionals [unless @stranger is an actual mental health professional and not a quack, in which case, keep on keeping on] and stick to offering empathy and validation). I am of the opinion that the best thing for the mental health community would be the integration of the general population through destigmatization and education on how to simply me empathetic to those who could benefit from a little support.

Neches1836​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2019

Even being her Dom I could not force her to stay on meds and Therapy. She oftened believed things to be true that no rational person would. Near the end of our relationship she gave out to a man online our bank account and routing numbers.
She believed he was going to deposit money into the account so she could buy a plane ticket so she could fly to meet him
More money was attempted to be withdrawn than available funds and my bank thankfully froze my account. Twice she believed that I was sexually abusing her daughter until she ask and my step daughter told her that dad has never touched her.
Things have a way of working out

Misterasmodai​(dom male) • Sep 27, 2019

I certainly see a link between BSM and mental health issues.
Especially with traumas, what you generally get is either repression or reconciliation. BDSM allows for a safe and controllable means of reconciling a past trauma through reassociating the connective elements, like being touched in a certain way or spoken to a certain way and separating them from the purely detrimental portions of whatever overall occurrence initially installed the trauma. Abuse at the hands of a father figure can be reconciled and trust in father figures in general reinstated by an effective DD/lg dynamic. This is a fairly common example of PTSD combatting in the kink community, and it can truly work with patience and devotion. We use the world of our experience to validate the things that happen to us, taking the good to diminish the bad, and that works especially well when the good is somehow related to the bad, allowing us to replace instead of simply outweigh. A high stress lifestyle can be lessened by periods of submission, removing responsibilities that weigh down someone who has too many to begin with. And stress relief is almost universally beneficial in healthcare of any sort. This also helps with acute anxiety disorders.
Now, more intricately developed issues like schizophrenia or psychopathies that generally require medication for regulating function are trickier and should always include trained professionals, but there are links to controlled practice diminishing the counter active effects (counter to normal baseline) of chronic disorders like these, and that can at least help to avoid trigger spirals with diligence. Validation and empathy also do a lot to help in the day to day ups and downs of these kinds of disorders, and regiment, say at the hands of a patient and devoted Dom, can lessen the occurrence of poor habits common among people with chronic mental disorders.
The effectiveness of BDSM practices in combatting the negative effects of mental health disorders may explain the documented strength of the mental health in the community held up against the more commonly repressed vanilla community.