Long distance Dom/sub needs advice on keeping the fires going

Long distance Dom/sub needs advice on keeping the fires goin

Chocolate Thunder​(dom male) • Nov 8, 2019

I have meet my ideal sub. She is smart, beautiful, very willing. She has a bit more experience than I do in the lifestyle, yet she is willing to submit to me. Unfortunately, it is going to mostly be distance at this point due to the logistics of where we both live. The goal is to meet but that is not going to be very soon. She has been craving to be a sub to a Dom for years (10 to be exact) and when we met, she had resigned that it would forever be void in her life.

Anyway, I have been looking around to find advice on how to handle a distance sub and advice is varying and not always helpful. So i figured, I would formulate my own question here and see the responses.

Thinks I know about her (her words):
"I want, need, crave the strong male/Dom who understands that i don't always want to be in charge. I work, take care of bills buy groceries, and get my own orgasms. I make the decisions, and spend my time between work and home. There is no one concerned(for lack of a better word) with me....how am i, what makes me happy/sad/excited/scared. What drives me, motivates me, makes me better. i am a very strong woman...i have had to be. But i can also by my own worst enemy. i can get overwhelmed, spin my wheels, procrastinate.

An ideal situation would be for someone to hold me at night, show me the passion that i used to have, make that mental and emotional connection and a Dom/sub can have. Help me become the best person that I can be. Teach me, encourage me, discipline me, hold me accountable, love me. Make that connection with me. I crave a strong hand, a firm hold, a hair tug, a nibble, nip, bite. A smack on the behind or two or ???? when needed. I want rules and consequences. I do not want to top. I want to be held accountable as much as I can be in my situation."

There are children in here home (8 being the youngest) so anything we do has to be vanilla enough to not impact the children.

Anyone who has successfully navigated this, please post. I would love to pick your brains and hear some of your stories from both sides Dom and sub so that I can make this work for both of us.

Thanks in advance and I look forward to seeing what comes from the community.

SirPain​(dom male) • Nov 9, 2019

I've been in this lifestyle for many years. I've tried long distance relationships in the early part of my time in the lifestyle and for me, they have never really worked out. Of course this was before the advent of the home computer with video conferencing and much earlier than the advent of cell phones with video conferencing. Back then one could only talk (sometimes only at specific times) on the phone and hope that the person you were talking to was really into what you and they had agreed upon.

I would go to my local "adult store" and find copies of BDSM magazines and go through the adverts in them. If there were no willing subs in my area I might try a sub long distance. Sometimes they agreed to a "long distance" relationship and, sometimes they wouldn't. The ones who did usually were only in it for the thrill and little more. Usually, I was the one incurring the long distance phone bills which was very finically taxing.

Now with the advent of all the modern equipment I would imagine long distance relationships can be more rewarding. But, for me , personally, I prefer not to get into long distance relationships unless I feel there may be a connection.

I hope the two of you can make some head way into meeting and that things do work out for you both.

Chocolate Thunder​(dom male) • Nov 9, 2019

I appreciate the response. I can say so far so good! We are only a few weeks into this adventure and after confirming we are who we say we are (CATFISH NOT ALLOWED!) lol we have exchanged pictures, video chatted, and talk a few times a day. I have given her tasks which she has completed with no issues or griping it was too difficult because of the kids and whatnot.

I have have read her Dom stories which she really likes and turns her on and have shared a time of me instructing her how I wanted her to pleasure herself while I was on the phone.

Granted this may be the HONEYMOON period and as we go along things may get harder but as we are both new to this LDR thing, we want to also incorporate discipline in case it is needed. One thing I did find which I have asked her to get is a snug rubber-band to wear on her wrist. She understands that at anytime I may ask her to snap it, to remind her of my authority.

BTW @SirPain, I resemble that remark or knowing what an actual LAND LINE is and video anything was a pipe dream

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Nov 9, 2019

I am in an LDR and I write at least 1 journal entry a day for my dom. He also chooses what underwear I wear daily. At the weekends, i have to wear a skirt or dress. Are both of you able to get 2 to 3 hours of availability to each other on at least 1 day a week, if so then you can ask your sub to ask permission for anything she usually does.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 10, 2019

Can you do weekend meet ups? Even every other month?


Also--- this is significant: her words:


An ideal situation would be for someone to hold me at night


If this is ideal' is it possible that ltr are not viable for her long term?


Face time with mutual masturbation.

Create tasks that when completed she gets a surprise gift from you in the mail.


Exchange sexual fantasies.

Start the question game. If you already think you know her, find out what you dont.


Send her self care item's. Shes exhausted with kids- bubble baths, lotions, foot baths.


If shes feling lonely- send a spontaneous card or flowers.


Write a story about her and read it to her like a bed time story.


Cater to the woman in her - and the s type will follow.

Chocolate Thunder​(dom male) • Nov 11, 2019

Some great advice there @MasterBear. Never thought of some of these thing. Will definitely need to incorporate some of them!

At this point, we are working out the logistics of being able to meet face to face but as she is a professional woman who just started a new job (VP finance) she is not able to take any time off just yet and weekends need to be spent with her children. It will happen, just need to figure out how it comes together since we are about 4ish hours away from each other.

Thank you.

MrRobbbee​(switch male) • Nov 11, 2019

Lovense make a.male masterbater called Max2 and a rabbit type vibrator that's with blue tooth and the app interact with each other any where in the world. They also make the lust 2 that with the.app you can control how and when it vibrates. My sub and I live 3100 miles from each other.....it can work if you keep the goal.of being together in the future in the forefront and work towards that every day

MasterBear​(other butch) • Nov 11, 2019

@chocolate thunder


Good luck!!!

Chocolate Thunder​(dom male) • Nov 16, 2019

I already have her ordering the Lush2 Hush! Looking forward to having that control. She is excited about it also. Purchased her a Morse code collar/choker from ETSY. Since she is a professional lady, I had to find something discrete which works great. She says whenever she looks at it in the mirror, she thinks of me and when she moves her head, it is just tight enough the she notices it there.

You would think 4 hours isn't a long distance but in the winter now and that is only one way, it is literally a day trip. Still hopeful we will meed sooner rather than later but I am patient.

Neches1836​(dom male) • Nov 19, 2019

I have had two long and I mean long distance relationships. I marred both of them and both became LTR's. Both were before the days of the internet... Snail mail or phone was the standard means of communication. I use to travel ALOT in my younger days.

I had to travel as frequently as possible to the first one only on vacations because she was so far away.

The second one I moved to where she was and flew (commuted) back and forth most weekends, vacations, and holidays. It was only an hour and a half flight. Pre 911 days.

This is how I kept it going.
I do not know if any of this will help you or is even a possibility for you.