A question

A question

BunnyMuffins​(sub female) • Dec 10, 2020

Okay I am returning to this site after a long hiatus and I went through my old blog posts tonight. I came across a comment on one of my posts with the general gist of what was said being:

Dom online are typically not seeking submission but rather the chase.
Once a Sub fully submits, the Dom gets bored and moves on to find the next.

I do know that a lot of Doms test high in the predator category. I never really thought out that particular trait in a Dom before but it makes sense that that would maybe make them more likely to want to continue the chase rather than settling down.

I am interested to hear if other Subs on this site echo the sentiments of the original commenter? Have you had experiences like that? For those who have found their partner here, was it after a lot of trial and error? I am interested in a long term partner but I am also very cautious so I would be really upset to fully submit to someone only for them to find me boring once I had brought myself to my most vulnerable state.

I'd also be interested to hear from Doms who score high as predators. Is the chase the height of enjoyment to you? After you have "caught" your prey do you find yourself getting bored on moving on to the next prey? If you are uncomfortable posting on this forum feel free to share via message as well. I am genuinely really curious to hear thoughts.



Also: if I should change the category of this forum please let me know. I was a little unsure.

TranquilStorm • Dec 10, 2020

Hmmm "predator" feels far stretched since the word implies harmful intentions (in my understanding), but that is not the case.

A good chase (aka courting by breaking down barriers) feels nice when it is reciprocated. A low level comparison is travel. It can be exciting to find new places, the thrill is in the potential. However, it can also be nice to stay in the same area and become involved in its progress. In the end, it is a mix of a persons inclinations and experiences leading to different priorities, so the roads to boring good old Rome are numerous.

tldr, evilly compared Subs to holiday destinations in times of Corona.

PS: In all seriousness, don't second guess yourself at every step in your relationship or it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. Does not mean to go all moon-eyed in an interaction/relationship, but be confident in yourself and your worth. That alone has some degree of attraction.

LaVieEnRose​(sub female){Kintsugi} • Dec 10, 2020

If there is a predator/prey aspect then yes the chase is really exciting BUT there is also a desire for primal as to find a mate, but like anyone just cause you’re primal doesn’t mean everyone wants that.

I guess with online there is the fantasy more than the reality but fantasy can only maintain for so long and I’m sure it does get boring. But also sometimes our online friends have lives that eventually mean they get found out. I think if you start with online with the intention that it could be real one day it’s a different but hey even people in real life can take the same attitude.

Basically there are dicks everywhere and you have to swim through a lot of scum sometimes (unless you’re lucky) before you find the right one.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 10, 2020

BunnyMuffins​(sub female)
A question

"I do know that a lot of Doms test high in the predator category. " (No you don't know this. And it isn't a useful assumption.)

(I find it useful to clear up some things before discussing since too often we aren't really talking about the same things.)

(Often when people come to a new concept or complex idea, they tend to latch onto what seems like a simple part of it. In this arena, here and all the online sites, the simple concept is - if you want to control you are Dominant and if you want to be controlled your are submissive- this is exasperated by the fact that people do not research or read to educate themselves. If they do research they often stop at the point where they are most interested. So when they see the above concept, presto chango "I'm a sub or I'm a Dom.")

(Dominance, submission, power exchange, control, Mastery and slavery are not simple. It's complex stuff. It's demanding stuff and where people fall on that continuum is often surprising. It's advanced living. As with any other advanced level of functioning and knowledge you never stop learning, you are sure to make mistakes and there is no way to sidestep your personal growth, healing and development AND be in these types of relationships. This was true when I began in the late 90's and had mentors. I thought it harsh then but it is still true.)

(So lets unpack this. The majority of people you will meet virtually - and this is true pre covid- are not what you or they are calling Dominant. (or any other title)

(Many like to Top or bottom in the bedroom. So while they may 'dominate' the scene/sex the control factor ends with the activity or shortly there after. Some do this and switch who is controlling from time to time. If it is continued it is distilled down stuff, like fetching coffee and a little slap and tickle. Not a thing wrong with this. I repeat... NOT a thing wrong with it. But Dominance and Submission, Mastery and slavery are more about relationships and longer than an afternoon. The error is in calling yourself a Dom and offering more and knowing you can't or won't really give it.)

(Control, be it Mastery or Dominance is a huge responsibility. In these roles your ass is on the line. You are literally in charge of another human being. It's work, it's sometimes emotionally draining and painful. And even for those who do control 'lite' if you are the boss, you are the boss. If things go south it is on your head. So the first part of my answer to you is these people who play games and blow off the other person are NOT Dominants but they aren't automatically predators either. Many are playing. As Tranquil said, "A low level comparison is travel. It can be exciting to find new places, the thrill is in the potential.")

(Knowing how to talk the talk, use caps (which frankly I always laugh at) and playing mind games on a willing person (take off your panties for me RIGHT NOW!!!!!) is just that. Some need to do this because who they are in real life is not exciting, nor are they in control of themselves etc. Some are unhappily married so they bipity bop between online dalliances as distraction and excitement. At best they are insincere and unethical. At worst they are selfish and cruel. Always they are weak.)

"I'd also be interested to hear from Doms who score high as predators."
(LOL you seriously asked this? The bread and butter of predatory behavior is to NOT act like a predator. And honestly I don't think you should even use this word unless you are sure.)

(There is a difference between predatory behavior or opportunism and being an actual predator. We do have predators here. Men who like to break/damage women because they are misogynists or sociopaths. Yep we get those too. Sadly when old farts like me try to warn newbies about them, we get dismissed. But they aren't Doms. They are whatever fools the prey. Like hunters who spray pheromones to attract animals they want to kill. Predators don't get bored and go away unless they find out you have a strong support system of experienced real time people to ask questions of. Then they try to bully you off of that or they move on to cull a weaker person out of the herd.)

(I know this all sounds harsh, but the thing is predators are in the game to win. They are not looking for distraction. They are looking to do real harm.
Here is an example I have used for years:
https://criminalminds.fandom.com/wiki/John_Edward_Robinson#:~:text=John%20Edward%20Robinson%2C%20Sr.%2C,many%20of%20his%20victims%20online.)

(This guy had many names and trolled the internet luring women to their death. There was a documentary about him and they interviewed one woman who was due to visit him - to the farm where the bodies were buried literally- but had to change her plans at the last minute. Watching that interview gave me chills. She was very smart. Very competent. I kept thinking, she was someone I would have been friends with and he bamboozled her and several others. One woman even took her disabled daughter with her to meet him. He killed them both.)

(I learned early on to improve MY screening process. And although I got fooled and played a few times, many others didn't get the chance. I didn't need to label them predators. I just had to tell myself that I would not engage a guy who wanted me to prove my submission. Drop the panties or call him any special name before we had met as equals and had coffee. I still had a massive number of first dates and honestly most were not anything near what I now know to be what I seek in a Dominant.)

(Please read some real info. Searching BDSM on amazon will give you pages of resources. Just avoid the fantasy and dig into the real details.)
(Please stop running people through the assumption of predators. It's only hurting you and the smart ones will use even that against you.)

"Also: if I should change the category of this forum please let me know. I was a little unsure."
(Absolutely. I think your real question is how do you know someone is authentic since so many seem to prefer the chase but aren't sincere?"

(I'll answer now. You improve your questions, learn to listen to your gut, ask more experienced 'older' submissives (we have time in) and when in doubt, don't. You'll be alone and lonely more. But if that is where this too good to be true guy is taking you, at least you can reduce the roller coaster that ends in hurt feelings.)

I wish you well with it.
H*

BunnyMuffins​(sub female) • Dec 10, 2020

I think people are confused when I say "predator" I don't mean like the criminal...I mean like the category on the BDSM test. I am not assuming Some are predatory criminals. I have been on this site for 2 years. I wouldn't stick around if I felt that way. I didn't even consider my post would come across as accusatory last night but of course that word is triggering.

MountaintopMaster • Dec 10, 2020

I scored high as "predator" and I seem to remember the word "primal" being thrown around somewhere in there, too.

First, yes, when we say "predator", we mean the specific kink, between consenting adults, NOT the criminal "oh, he was a sexual predator" thing...

With that said, I think you have a very good point; this is a human trait that goes beyond BDSM, indeed. Many driven, hard-working business types are prone to always moving on to something new, always starting a new business, always conquering a new field, ...and then moving on once they've mastered that thing and begin to lose interest.

In the business world, this can be a beautiful thing, but it's so much more painful and destructive to see it in relationships. Simply put, you're usually going to break someone's heart, or at the very least piss them off and waste their time.

HOWEVER...

Myself, in a committed relationship, I can enjoy the "thrill of the chase" over and over again with the same person. Because I've created a bond with that person that goes deeper than the desire to conquer, or any sexual experience/gratification. They're my soulmate, and I want to do kinky stuff with THEM, I don't *just* want to do kinky stuff in general.

This is obviously going to be a lot easier in-person versus online, however I'm sure that plenty of in-person relationships end because of those types of "conquer and move on" feelings, too.

The internet has simply given us unlimited access to this thing, just like it has given us unlimited access to almost everything else in modern society!

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Dec 10, 2020

BunnyMuffins​(sub female)
6 hours ago • 12/10/2020 10:20 am
"I think people are confused when I say "predator" I don't mean like the criminal...I mean like the category on the BDSM test. I am not assuming Some are predatory criminals. I have been on this site for 2 years. I wouldn't stick around if I felt that way. I didn't even consider my post would come across as accusatory last night but of course that word is triggering."
..............

(Oh I'm not triggered at all. Actually I don't get triggered. But, yes, would have been nice to know you meant a term on a test. I don't take those tests seriously. And the way I posted on 'my' test results might allude to that. However, it is a very serious term and I wish these sites would stop playing with such them like its a game.)

(Fact is there are predators about. Just like sugar junkies can be found at the candy store and pedophiles hang out at the school yard. We will always attract people who have an unhealthy -for some criminal- interest in hurting others or being hurt by others.)

(Way too much of this hinges on fantasy and ego boosting. That is disheartening. It extends the fantasy and attitude some have that using others online as you describe does no harm. I think it does plenty.)

Tthomas • Dec 10, 2020

Predator is not always meant in a bad way. There are Dominants that love the dance. The dance that start off as innocent questions. The excitement of finding your person, the one you desire. How close can she be to the perfect sub to me. Some have said they love the dance more.

I am sure that the excitement on the other end is also intoxicating.

To get to your question I am sure that there are a lot of Doms that like just the dance and have no intent of a relationship no matter who they find. That’s makes it hard for the ones like me that would rather have a sub knock on my door and say here I am......who am I fooling, I love the dance too.

TonyMontana​(dom male) • Dec 12, 2020

I also think it's a play of questions and answers to find the most suitable sub. I'm in the predator mod only in 2 cases: 1.When I'm looking for a new sub or 2. occasionally when I want to find an additional partner for me and my sub.
I think that like in everything there are good predators and bad bad/fake predators. Good ones are in it for the whole hunter/pray dynamic as for me personally it stops when I find what I like and respect. I think the new people that come to this lifestyle have to be careful of the bad predators because they are just doing it for their own pleasure without growing or learning their subs or even their relationship.

NoOneofConsequence​(dom male){Taken} • Dec 12, 2020

Nope.

Sorry. But the entire argument that this is a Dom thing, even those who rate as Primal:Predator, is erroneous.

Not that I blame you. It is just a fact that we all live within our own frame of reference or Johari's window. We can hear about other things happening to other people. But, it's never quite as immediate as what happens to us.

And your frame of reference as a heterosexual submissive female is that it is Dominant Heterosexual Males who do this to you.

Sorry, snowflake. But, you aren't that unique.

The fact of the matter is that there are three stages that people call love; lust, infatuation, and love.

If the only time you interact with someone is when your dick is hard or your panties wet, then it's just hormonal. And, often times, there are other things that are more interesting when the dick isn't hard or the panties aren't wet.

Then there are the butterflies. The way the breath catches when they walk in the room. (Or, I guess these days, when a message pings from them.) Feeling a little light-headed. The endorphin rush. The Hollywood/Hallmark shit the songwriters talk about. And when that feeling seems to fade, or we even just titrate and get used to it, the junky hits the street for their next fix.

Then there is the abiding love which is often a commitment to work on things even when it isn't a fun endorphin rush anymore. A calmness that you know however rough things get, it's gonna be alright so long as they are facing it shoulder to shoulder with you.

And, you know what? It IS work. Loving someone like that. Being willing to stand beside their bedside, unable to touch them because everywhere they don't hurt is numb. To be able to see the beauty in the grey hairs, wrinkles, parchment-thin skin, the six-pack that grew into a keg... To know in your soul that there is still nowhere you'd rather be and no one you'd rather be with, no matter how you fight about the dirty clothes on the floor, or the empty toilet paper tube on the holder, or that fuckin' screwdriver in the damn kitchen drawer!

Watching the vital person you were first attracted to wither and then die.

And it is my personal belief that anyone who has been through that and would willingly step into the square to go through it with someone else would have to be insane!

Yet, having been there, done that, and possessing the soul scars, I couldn't see anything less being worth my time and effort.

And despite my best efforts, I found myself, again and again, being tantalized into... something. Something that I thought was real. Something I dug in and dug deep to fight for because that's just what you do when it's real.

Oh, no, BunnyMuffins.

It has absolutely nothing to do with being a Dom(me). I've had self-defined submissives treat me the same. Ride the crest of that endorphin rush, then bail when it starts turning into actual work.

It has absolutely nothing to do with being Primal.

It has absolutely nothing to do with being male.

It has nothing to do with the Dynamic Lifestyle at all.

It is just a part of human nature that some live for the fairy tale and turn their back on anything that ugly reality turns into more chore than fun.

And, I can't even say that there is a noticeable difference with the advent of these infernal nets other than they allow us to meet a broader range of people from other geographic locations without actually going there and breathing the air. It's just somewhat more difficult to sort the wheat from the chaff, takes more time since you can't see their eyes everywhere but on you.

I met someone. Someone who'd been through what you have just as I'd been through it from the other side.

We'd been together for four months when she told me something she hadn't previously.

I knew she'd had other Doms after her husband's death (ironically just six weeks after my wife's), if not as many as I'd had submissives I'd tried to make things work with. I knew that she'd offered to meet them, just as I'd offered to meet the submissives who'd managed to snag my attention.

But, she hadn't said a word to me about hair ribbons.

Apparently, she had come up with a simple litmus test to see if they were worth her time and energy. She asked them to send her a hair ribbon to wear in her hair. It didn't have to be anything fancy. They could just walk in the other room and cut a strip of fabric, stick it in an envelope, stick a stamp on it, and mail it to her.

Now, thanks to Lewy bodies turning my brain into tapioca in my skull, I've got some memory issues. And I have fears of memory issues, of forgetting something. I didn't remember anything about hair ribbons. But, I couldn't trust my memory. So, I asked if she'd told me about them.

She hadn't. By the time she met me, she'd given up on that "silliness."

A week later packages started arriving... 1024 hair ribbons in all. (Computer nerds will get the significance.)

Fourteen months later, I'm watching over her as she sleeps while I type this.

TL;DR...
1_ This isn't a sub only experience.
2_ You gotta sort through the chaff to find wheat, whichever side of the slash you are on, even "fence-humpers" and those more vanilla than Dairy Queen soft-serve.
3_ Pick your hair ribbon and STICK TO IT.
4_ When you find out their hair ribbon, there is no such thing as overkill.

Any road...

May the sun be out of your eyes and the wind at your back for a brighter tomorrow than yesterday.