Im a new Dom, with an more experienced sub.

Im a new Dom, with an more experienced sub.

fandan • Aug 28, 2021

I had a few queries about the Dom sub dynamic that I would like some experiential advice on please. Ive just copied my intro post here:

Hi There,

I am a recent 'convert' to BDSM & Kink.

I say 'convert', but its always been inside me, I just hadn't realised it yet.

I met someone recently who is a sub, and we have made an amazing connection.

So I have done my research, unravelled the myths and I have to say i'm head over heels with the concept.

I have a induction and training plan outline, I have filled out my Kinks menu, and I am planning a wee presentation of a couple of things which which I will give her to identify of mine.

Ive got a contract planned, and I have even thought of scenes which will encapsulate all of the above.

Id happily take any advice from any experienced Dom's or subs (actually a female sub's view would be really helpful. Fellow Dom' feel free to chime in to

I would also like to seek some advice on how to be a noob dom with a more experienced sub? My instinct is that as part of the training and contract I should 'remove' her previous Dom's from her mind, however is this acceptable and respectful.

Also any tips on increasing the build up of trust is good. I do intend on laying all my kinks out for her to read and understand, and seeking to get her trust via me exposing my desires first, however I get the strong feeling that she has a vulnerability at this stage.

Finally, and this is the one that I am kinda struggling with - how do you remain charming boyfriend material AND sufficiently masterful at the same time? This is further exacerbated by the fact that we havent met yet. Im considering separating the Kink chat from the vanilla chat, and im also considering suggesting that the Dom/sub relationship should be apparent in the Kink Chat.

Am I on the right track?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Aug 28, 2021

Are you by any chance, a corporate guy?

Others may disagree but in my experience you cannot plan this out like a project at work. Or a presentation with which to sell the new client.

For long term success you have to:
Learn on your own - put in the effort.
Find a dominant mentor - male for male, female for female
Grow as a person
Take your time - seriously, slow down
And plug in the human factor to all that you do - which it seems to me you have not done.

There are no tricks or shortcuts or behaviors you can just plug into. Some will fake it until they make it, but you know what? That is how people get hurt.

Much of what we do is inspired. To recognize inspiration, you must know yourself and evolve into this new aspect of who you are.

What we do is so much more than role play or kink. You are literally taking responsibility for another persons life - to the degrees that you both agree to.

Buy some trusted resources. An amazon search on BDSM will give you many. (avoid the fantasy)
SM 101
A different loving
The loving Dominant
The topping book
When someone you love is kinky
The ethical slut
etc.
There are many good ones that have been around and successful for a long time.

And to just take on someone you don't know is rather assumptive. Have you ever met a lifestyle person face to face? Or attended any learning event? Or received technical training on the whips and toys we use? If you haven't shared coffee and some vanilla time, you should probably not be assuming she is real or she assuming you are. The internet is full of unhappy surprises.


And online, or long distance relationships have a host of their own issues.

Kink and power exchange encompasses a huge spectrum of variation. It is very hard to find someone that matches you enough for it to work. Which is why you are seeing so many singles out there.

Also, there is topping and bottoming - which are play related and who controls the play
And switching where the two people may change up who tops or bottoms now and then
There is Dominance and submission, which is a relationship far beyond play
There is Mastery and slave, which is a different type of relationship far beyond play

Some experienced subs may take on a newbie. I wouldn't because I have taught new doms and taught/trained professionally, so submitting to you after I told you how to do it would short circuit me.

But if you are both willing, cool beans.

I'm sorry but it just isn't this easy or simple to do. Like any skill or the development of any actualized side of yourself it takes a lot more than a laundry list. You aren't planning your vacation here. You are taking on something important, and by the way, still illegal in many countries.

And you aren't done evolving, what you think is your kink now can and will change. So you are a bigger risk to her than she is to you.

If you don't know who you are, you can't know who you are to be with.

H*

fandan • Aug 28, 2021

Thanks very much for your comprehensive and detailed response.

Surely you can plan this like a project (initially) if it fits within both parties dynamic? This also fits our proposed play scenarios too, as we both identify as Sapiophile, so i'm unsure how this can be dismissed so out of hand?

Ill have a look at the books, thanks for the recommendations.

Im aware of the perils of online, thanks. and have verified my sub.

This isnt a long distance relationship, we have just been unable to meet up for a coffee as yet.

There wont be switching, my partner is 100% sub and does not want to switch the power dynamic.

I dont believe it is simple. nothing in my post infers this conclusion nor can I see where you have taken this from.

You seem to be reading more into my post than is there, and coming to conclusions which don't appear to be in response to my original post, therefore I think its is probably best that we leave this here.

I thank you again for the Book recommendations.

No hard feelings.

thanks

FD

Miki​(masochist female) • Aug 28, 2021

Just don't overcomplicate this.

You wrote that you discovered that part of your nature and "converted", so it will come rather naturally.

Read the literature and all that of course but in the end it's all guidelines.

No two BDSM dynamics are completely alike. More of a "variation on a theme" kind of thing. There is no right or wrong except what you discover with your particular partner.

There isn't any "Quiz" at the end of a given night of playtime. No "Official litmus test" as to whether you're a "true" kink or not. That is not for anyone other than you two to decide.

-------------------------------------------------

Having said all that, I'm not a "true" Sub. Just a sexual masochist. When the party is over and the lights come on, I melt right in with the "vanilla" crowd...

But I'm still in this place because I identify with a little bit I see here and there.

fandan • Aug 28, 2021

Thank you so much Miki, that was really insightful and useful.

CSI • Aug 28, 2021

I would say you are still getting to know one another at this point. Reality is far different than theory and you have a fair way to go before you should even be entering kink territory, but that is just my opinion. There is far more to BDSM than just kinky fun times. If you want to top in the bedroom, great. If you are going to go 24/7 straight off, then start very small with only a few changes that both you and she are able to adhere to consistently and reliably. I would say in the beginning, you will both be very gung ho what with frenzy and nre. So slower and steadier is the way to proceed, rather than excited with gusto (because that isn't sustainable long term).

In short, I would say to build your relationship very slowly and be what I would consider to be dominant (respectful, kind, leading but not pushy, consistent and reliable) but not domineering. Always do what you say you will do. Teach, guide, and check in.

Also, I don't believe there is any need to "remove her previous Dom's from her mind". They are part of the reason she is now in your life and why she is who she is. One of your jobs as a dominant is being the best you can be. There is no need to talk about previous dominants at all. You cannot change the fact they were there. If you take on the responsibility of having a submissive, you take on everything about them (I mean, they should get help from professionals if needed, but you cannot pick and choose the parts you get to see). I am assuming you have vetted thoroughly and the dynamic will not be cemented until you actually meet and get to know one another more.

As for being a new dom, if she sees that you are learning and trying, that is the most important part. You are going to make mistakes. You are going to mess up. You are going to forget things and not follow through, but if you have a solid foundation to build from, that will be able to be fixed. It is also a good idea (if she is experienced) to share her experiences with you but not to top from the bottom (which is tough). I know when I interacted with new people, I ended up taking over and it wasn't good for anyone. Get a solid information base, get a mentor, and do what feels good and right for you and your dynamic. Best of luck.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Aug 29, 2021

fandan

"I don't believe it is simple. nothing in my post infers this conclusion nor can I see where you have taken this from."

(From your plug-n-play approach to this and the way you formed your questions as if we could just tell you how to do this in one post.)

"You seem to be reading more into my post than is there, and coming to conclusions which don't appear to be in response to my original post,"

(All I am deriving from your post is that you are incredibly new and inexperienced. Oh, wait, You DID say that right? You wanted opinions from experienced people and you got them.)

"Therefore I think it is probably best that we leave this here."

(Oh you think so? I am not your sub. You don't get to dictate who answers or how much. Perhaps as a NOOB you should first learn that public forums include the opinions of others regardless of what you think or want to hear.)

"No hard feelings." (LOL None at all dear)

cherilynn​(sub female) • Aug 29, 2021

I'm sorry. You aren't going to like my answer to your questions but I am going to post my opinion anyway.

I feel from reading your post that you don't quite know yourself yet and are still coming to terms with the dominant part of your personality. I get the feeling as if you are almost afraid of that side of you.

Over on fetlife there is a wonderful obedience training group. Within that group, there is a living slave training guide written by Dominus_Nox.
A poster there asked him how she should go about finding the right dominant partner. This is a part of his response. It is long but worth the read.

"...Look at the foundation of a man's dominance, especially his psychological integrity. A lot of men want to be dominant or at least be seen as dominant and these men usually utilize some socially acceptable attributes to convince you, i.e. their intelligence, their experience, sometimes their physics or their success. These Dominants are often misleading, because they lack the true connection to their own dominant side and try to fix it with other skills.

The foundation of true dominance is always a primal one, much more instinct than skill, much more cunning than intelligent, much more fundamental than just a character trait. The reason why D/s is so hot, is because it touches something primal in us, it excites us, without particular reason. You are looking for a man who's dominant, because he is in close touch with his primal self and has accepted and embraced it unconditionally.

So far the theory. In practice you can see the foundation of someones dominance within a group. Someone who is disconnected to his primal self generates a sense of superiority and distance within a group (or fails miserably trying). Someone who is close to his primal self instead will inspire a group without particular effort and radiate a sense of closeness without particular reasons.

The reason for this lies in the different levels dominance can be settled in within a person. If someone is "dominant", because he is intelligent, then his dominance will always speak the language of the consciousness and therefore is limited to dominate your consciousness. If someone is "dominant", because he kinda is horny, has lots of fantasies and loves to dominante in them, then his dominance speaks the language of the subconsciousness and is therefore limited to dominante your subconsciousness (and most of the time mess with your own inner daemons and desires). Only on the primal level will his dominance speak the language of unconsciousness will he reach that deep primal part in you, that understands true submission. You will know it then, because you will feel like prey to him and at the same time will feel happy and safe and understood for the first time, without reason. There will be no reason to explain his dominance and your submission..." Dominus_Nox


When you truly know yourself then you will understand that a relationship isn't a project, it is primal, instinctual.
Then you will be ready to meet her.

Good luck

KittyisWatching​(sub female){Protected} • Aug 29, 2021

I'm not sorry for my opinion. The only thing I'm sorry for is that I'm not giving it to the submissive in this instance instead of the Dominant.

I was her. I entered into a dynamic with someone that had no experience being in a dynamic or in any type of play session. He had never had any kind of participation in our world and was unprepared for a dynamic but like an idiot, I went forward with it.

I guess what they say about hindsight is true.

He identified as a brat tamer and was not one. He identified as a Daddy but really only got pleasure from the name not the actual role. Everything he thought he was...was wrong.

And how did he find out these truths about himself and his Dominant headspace?

In the end it was by hurting me. I turned into an experiment for him to decide what his real likes and dislikes were because I had been in the lifestyle since I was 17 and had the experience in different play styles and such so that he could easily experience many different types.

You are seriously going to hurt someone with the attitude you seem to have taken.

The "Dom/sub relationship should be apparent in the Kink Chat"?

What Dom/sub relationship? You haven't met. You can't truly connect on that level until you have...many times for long periods of time.

And you're going to lay out your kinks for her? No. You'll lay out what sounds interesting to you. You'll lay out things that the idea of turn you on. But until you fill in those ideas with experiences of them, you won't be able to know if that's a true kink for you.

How do you remain charming boyfriend and successfully masterful? Uh. You don't. If what she wants is a Dom...then that is what she will consider to be charming boyfriend material. If you mean in public, there are ways to exercise Dominance and having it appear to just be a gentlemanly protective boyfriend.

Your post honestly stresses me out that you have decided to enter a dynamic with no experience. Not only that, but a sub you say is experienced is allowing you to do that with her.

More elitist, judgemental patronising nonsense.

fandan • Aug 29, 2021