Are you lying to yourself? The importance of quesitons.

Are you lying to yourself? The importance of quesitons.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2021

Here's my theory. People don't speak up because of a fear of conflict. BUT what if that very fear is exactly why conflict continues to happen when it remains unaddressed?

Not just for a day. But a week. A month. Years. DANGER! DANGER! WHOO WHOO! ALARM BELLS RINGING! Get it now? I've been through and seen too much of that to let it happen.

Misunderstandings cause depression, despair and insanity. The longer it happens the more harm/danger it causes. I've seen this first hand too many times to ever allow it. Can't handle the truth? That's on you. Can't handle getting through the worst to make sure we remain safe down the line? Also on you. I fully much mean and intend what I do. That part's on me. It's also on me to explain why. Since you're not a mind reader. It's also on me to change your mind if you're stubborn. No one acts without self interest. It's incentive 101. We all operate on it. Self interest.

If you're sad and unhappy it's probably because you wanted to do things your way alone. JUST your way though. Without agreement or compromise. And this basically results in you doing all the work. Because of avoidence and evasiveness. This is when things go bad. Where's the AGREEMENTS and COMPROIMISE? You do understand consent, yes?

You're not entitled to have your way just because it's what you want either. What do I get out of it? What do you? Simple enough. I will argue and debate until my throat is sore (sometimes to the point my throat is tight and it affects my physical health. I'm willing to suffer through it) until we estabish that. I value honesty THAT much. I don't want my way alone. I want OUR way. I want YOU to be happy too. And you can tell me "It'll never happen" but then I have to say "Others said that. I proved them wrong. Logically what makes you think I can't with you?" Any time I'm allowed too it's been proven. Can only speak for my own results though. This will only work with somoene that actually tries to think and use their brain instead of making excuses to remain blind all the time.

When I'm happy agreements are formed. There's feedback. And most importantly ASKING each other. STRAIGHT answers. Which is more then can be said for some other people here. Just because you judge and lecture in less words doesn't mean you don't do it. Did you ASK me or JUDGE me when you don't have the full story? I don't even need an answer. I just want you to ask yourselves. Just make damn sure you're honest about it.

Man... those that don't assume stupid shit make things much easier. But if people have concerns then they have concerns. Both are worth it. One just needs more convincing. Here's what I think. I think some of you are so fragile that you don't even try to convince the stubborn ones. But all that arguing? It's because you didn't consider THEIR point of view.

It is a headache TBH. From people that are stubborn that I talk into doing things I mean. But once the BS stops, it stops. For good. And then it's only good things. It makes it worth the hassle. Here's the thing though. They'd be the ones to act like it's not worth the effort beforehand. Yet would say it is afterwards. So... With this logic in mind what if you fool yourself into beleiving the same thing? With others I mean. Not me. What if you simply don't find out and don't let people show you because of your own assumptions and fear? I think this is worth considering.

Granted, it's on others if they don't give you a reason too. But what if they just need to be asked? What if YOU need to be?

I'm juggling a lot right now. Got a talk day on Sunday. It's stressful. But also very rewarding. I'm happy. Still dreading it though. Know I can get things sorted though. You ever been in a situation where you know what you can do but it's like you're landing on the beach on D-day? It's like having to be a near perfect soldier knowing you have to do all the right moves or you end up getting killed. It's like having to be "near perfect". It's very stressful but also very rewarding. Hope that analogy works. It's a lot of pressure when there's the "Yet to be understood" phase with someone. Things always go better once I explain a certain topic though.

The topic? Ehhh.... Love. And fair. They go hand in hand. It's not an easy thing to explain. I'm not even going to try in a public thread. Suffice to say it doesn't happen by magic.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 9, 2021

But yea. What if a tense situation exists because it's only what you fear? And what if lack of fun is happening because that's all you're afraid of when you don't consider it with an open mind?

Kind of what I've had to deal with. Was everything I could do to get my opinions considered. But considieration simply works. Keeping each other in mind. Agree, disagree. Argue, debate. Do all of that. But never "dismiss".

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Sep 9, 2021

*all that follows are simply my own personal opinions on a public forum. somewhat scattered to cover several concepts introduced in the OP.

OP, i feel you should put some of these ideas into a blog, as it doesn’t seem to be formatted for a community discussion with a clear topic.

there are facts and there are opinions. one person’s perception of truth is not universal and nobody is entitled to anyone else’s anything. if a person doesn’t respond according to one’s own expectations and rules, it doesn’t mean they are or are not afraid of truth or any other assumption.

personal choice matters.

i have learned if i want to be heard and understood there are a few less selfish steps that should be driving me. a desire to know another person is first, i should think. one must connect with someone if they want a connection. why would a person care to understand and listen to anyone uninterested in giving. otherwise, it’s all just masturbation isnt it? the connections i look for are not with people looking for what they can get from me. i think we do best when adding to / giving is what drives us.

House Talion​(dom male) • Sep 9, 2021

You e got quite the dizzying intellect, love it.

True that theres a lot of conflict just by whatbis said, but equally just as much conflict for what isnt said.

Case in point, rape. For some time there had been too many case where it had happened and no one spoke about it cause of many reasons, conflict being just one of them. Then someone finally steps forward and says what needed to be said. Now those that were wronged and assaulted have a voice. Not because they're courageous, but because as speaking for themselves worked for many others it has become a thing of beauty.

Then theres the ugliness of it all as some came foward and spoke their mind though it was filled with scandalous lies which completely ruined it for anyone that could be sexually assaulted.

SweetSirRendering​(sub female) • Sep 9, 2021

to be fair, T, i do see you are covering some of what i said, but i want to point out that you lose people trying to have an entire conversation alone. also, when you consistently say you know what someone wants better than they do and casually remark that you talk people into things, your posts scream of consent violations and harassment.

if you don’t mean these things and truly hope to be understood, it may help to really consider the primary point, stick to it, simplify it, trust that you will have a chance to speak in response to others own views, and offer it up for discussion.

when everyone can discuss the actual topic, you may feel better understood and it opens up the discussion for other points of view and potentially gain some new connections which you seem to want.

i know i often skip your posts simply to avoid what seems to me, to be a person speaking to hear themselves speak, likely with no interest in what i can contribute, but more that i have no idea what to even address as there is just too much monologue for there to be a natural place to interject.

i am not a fan of trying to sort though a diatribe of dizzying paragraphs, full of alarming red flag language to search for meaning.

instead of you feeling misunderstood, attacked, or dismissed. if you truly believe people come around to the same point of view as you, in the end, maybe allow some time and discussion. for clarification, these scenarios you discuss are with Doms?

*i am touching on a series of responses on several forums by the OP

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

Feelings aren't logic. I'll elaborate. I must admit, I did make that post when under stress.

I'm going to be VERY clear about this.

Do you ASK people (let them think for themselves) or TELL them? (meaning you tell them what to think/believe or otherwise assume inaccurately). It's a simple matter of asking, straight answers and forming agreements.

I'm asking people if they ask or lecture. Granted, I can be guilty of "telling" a lot, but I make very sure I ask questions. If I didn't ask then I wouldn't get the results I do. Too many people overlook asking.

Some people find it easier then others. Some find it harder. And I know for a fact too many people don't ask enough after they act in the right. Yet when I ask the right question they have to either say they actually didn't know (after acting in the right) or otherwise admit there's room for doubt. The reason for this is because I can say "why" I say what I say. The "why" is very important. eg: Proof/evidence. It's actually common for people to lie to themselves. Dunnign Kruger effect. It means people like to think they know it all (because they only think of only what they know) but they really don't.

What you don't know is where answers lie. Get that established with a closed minded person and suddenly they're considering things with a more open mind. Provided you can indeed get them to think about what they don't know instead of just what they do know.

There's also the art of getting people to contradict themselves. This way you don't "tell" them. They have to "ask" themselves. Provied you do indeed ask someone (very important to ask them here) in that situation then they'll consider it.

I actually made another thread about another topic (on another website) and asking just goes further. Turns out we were all right in that situation. But in order you find out who's right/wrong you have to ask each other and get straight answers and call each other into question. Complaints or desperation for things to be simple don't change logic and facts. That isn't aimed at you btw. But some people really are dismissive. inconsiderate. Incapable of considering other viewpoints when they have their heads up in the clouds.

I'm sure we've all had to deal with people that dismiss your concerns, thoughts and opinions. And judge too quickly without having your side of the story. So what if you're not asked enough?

But more to the point, what if YOU don't ask enough? Not just you, Rendering. I mean anyone reading. FINDING answers goes further then forcing them without getting thoughts/opinions IMO. Because it's more about being understadning. It's also more about agreements as well. People like to harp on about consent, but if you don't even ask then you're blind.

Consent is the least of my concerns at that point. My concern in that kind of situation jumps to "Blind choices". And I sense every danger in that. You don't even know what choice you make if you're ignorant and unaware. This means people can be in situations where they have to warn/inform and do it without the "knowing best for you" attitude. If done wrong you can drive someone into despair and depression or even suicide. When done right it's about agreements, checking in and reminders of choice. Perhaps with a dose of driving each other up the wall as you figure out how to both be ok with things. Which has only EVER been done with ASKING.

Does that help clear things up?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

So with all that said... Do you ask enough?

Question goes to anyone reading. Doesn't apply to just me. Think about whatever recent interaction you had with someone else. Did you ASK them a single question?

I find it can change everything. It helps people to keep moving foward. Otherwise you're "stuck" and remain confused. Or even paralysed.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 10, 2021

@SweetSirRendering:

NOW look what you did! You got the reincarnation of Count Lev Nikolayevich Tolstoy on a fucking roll again.

Two things to ponder:

1: The wisdom of starting a post "under stress".

2: One sided discussions are indeed things left to blogs not discussion threads, yes?

Taramafor​(sub male) • Sep 10, 2021

You posted that when I was making a short post. Read the last post I made. Should be more on your level.


That's a loaded question and you know it. I am honestly starting to think you're trying to "outplay" me due to your bratty nature.

To answer the question, if a situation is one sided then have you considered it could be because you're not asking enough about the other persons thoughts/opinions? Do it to me and I know you'll do it to others out of habit alone (habits. You do understand that simple concept, yes?). You know you suffer from paralyse. You admit that. I'm asking you if you've considered why. And I can assure you it's not "overthinking". The problem isn't in "thinking". It's in "jumping ahead". When people jump ahead or change topic (which you know you've done. regarding the later) then it becomes a jumbled mess.

A SINGLE question helps to keep a topic on track. Or even turn the most toxic, destructive situation around (can even be life and death situations). But it has to be the RIGHT question. To address the situation. Do you think you ask the right questions? Or are you trying to get people to admit what you want them too instead of trying to find out things aren't as they appear to be?

Genially asking. It's like you want me to admit to something you think is right (kind of proving my earlier point in regards to getting people to admit what they do. Nice move). But I'm saying you're wrong. Again, as I stated earlier, this is NOT a blog. This is a topic about wherever people reading ASK others enough.

And when you (anyone) does ask, is it about trying to understand the other person, or are you just trying to be in the right?

That's a lot of questions actually. Might be overwhelming. But focus on that last one.

I'mME • Sep 17, 2021

@Teramafor

OP you do not get to decide who is wrong and who is right except when it comes to yourself. Hopefully for most in discussions it is not a tit for tat back and forth. I have been guilty of taking part with a few on another platform. But I would not take back the particular things I have ever said to these these folks, I just wished I had not said anything at all.
Sometimes we should absorb instead of pushing back or trying to be RIGHT all the time.