| Moonlightwolf |
2 years ago •
May 29, 2022
I'm a little self conscious
I think I would like to do BDSM but I'm really insecure about my look. I look very young. Too young. It doesn't help I'm pretty sure I want to be dominant on. So do you have any advice?
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Online now
IowaDom(dom male)
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2 years ago •
May 29, 2022
Just be yourself, each one of us shines in our own way, subject to our gifts. There is nothing to be gained by being or trying to be something you re not.
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Heero(dom male)
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2 years ago •
May 29, 2022
I agree with IowaDom, but I'd like to add a bit more.
Be the best version of yourself and "do it anyway". By "be the best version of yourself" I mean, build up yourself as best as you can (a bit vague, I know, but I think you have some idea of what I mean) and find your thing. You state something you feel insecure about...what is it you feel strong about? What is the best thing you have to offer? What is the thing that you can give that someone would want to submit to you for? Find that thing, and develop it. Otherwise, try to do everything else you do well. Your looks won't matter as much or at all if you can do this. This would help in many ways, but in here are two notable ones: (1) Self-consciousness and insecurity is something everyone deals with--but submissives tend to deal with it a lot in my experience. And they usually handle it less well than the dominant personality type, which tends to be more leaned towards self-confidence and self-assuredness. If you can conquer your own insecurities, it makes you that much more equipped to deal with those of your submissive. You will understand where they are coming from and can guide them, help them feel wanted and valued. Trust me, if you can really do that for someone, your "young" looks won't matter. (2) It helps you live a more purposeful and fulfilling life. You will not hold yourself back from exploring things, learning things, building on things, solving problems, facing challenges, etc. A belief in self is priceless. Competence leads to such a belief. Competence will come from you building yourself up in deliberate ways. How do you actually go about this though? The answer is surprisingly simple and comes from the second part of my second sentence: Do it anyway. By that, I mean act in spite of your fears and insecurities. Generally, this is easier said than done, so maybe start with the smaller things before the bigger things. You want to be dominate in ways X, Y, Z, but you're a bit self conscious about how you would look. What do you do? Do X, Y, Z anyway. Eventually, you will get good at X, Y, Z. Enough to have your "thing" that I mentioned earlier. And eventually, the people who would let something like your looks stop them from availing themselves of your dominance will make way for those who will see and appreciate and covet its value. Be the best you you can be. Acknowledge your insecurities. Then do it anyway. (Worst case scenario: you won't always look "too young", so you could solve your problem by just waiting a bit. But I still recommend the above approach. It has many benefits.) |
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| Moonlightwolf |
2 years ago •
May 29, 2022
Thank for the help! I'll try to take it to heart.
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Miki(masochist female)
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2 years ago •
May 30, 2022
.. and while not magically wise as above, a bit of the practical.
If you feel you look "too young"--- bring I D if you ever set up a meet-up get-acquainted thing (always a good place to start) Once they see you look young but are "of age" your appearance will matter less. Sounds a bit silly I know "bring I D" but people are justifiably wary of even being friendly acquaintences with someone too young. There's just waaaaay too much at stake. If you're over 18 or better still over 21 and can prove it, the rest will happen if it is meant to be. |
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| FlyingAlan(dom male) |
2 years ago •
May 30, 2022
Listen to your gut feelings and any red flags. They show up for a reason, don't ignore that reason.
BDSM checklists are a great way to start honest and open communication as well as getting an idea of you are compatible or not. A good Dom should make those insecurities less important. If your Dom/Daddy/ Owner gives you a command, you should obey knowing that it is his expectation and that should be stronger than insecurities and help push them out of the way so to speak. That doesn't mean they don't exist, but since someone expects you to do something, that should make doing it easier instead of letting your insecurities have the final say so. |
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Heero(dom male)
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2 years ago •
May 30, 2022
FlyingAlan wrote: Listen to your gut feelings and any red flags. They show up for a reason, don't ignore that reason.
Very good advice for the submissive point of view. I wrote my response as if the OP wanted to be the Dom. But I guess it could go either way. "I want to be dominant on" is a strange phrasing.
BDSM checklists are a great way to start honest and open communication as well as getting an idea of you are compatible or not. A good Dom should make those insecurities less important. If your Dom/Daddy/ Owner gives you a command, you should obey knowing that it is his expectation and that should be stronger than insecurities and help push them out of the way so to speak. That doesn't mean they don't exist, but since someone expects you to do something, that should make doing it easier instead of letting your insecurities have the final say so. |
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Valore
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2 years ago •
May 30, 2022
Beautiful and in depth Heero wrote: I agree with IowaDom, but I'd like to add a bit more.
Be the best version of yourself and "do it anyway". By "be the best version of yourself" I mean, build up yourself as best as you can (a bit vague, I know, but I think you have some idea of what I mean) and find your thing. You state something you feel insecure about...what is it you feel strong about? What is the best thing you have to offer? What is the thing that you can give that someone would want to submit to you for? Find that thing, and develop it. Otherwise, try to do everything else you do well. Your looks won't matter as much or at all if you can do this. This would help in many ways, but in here are two notable ones: (1) Self-consciousness and insecurity is something everyone deals with--but submissives tend to deal with it a lot in my experience. And they usually handle it less well than the dominant personality type, which tends to be more leaned towards self-confidence and self-assuredness. If you can conquer your own insecurities, it makes you that much more equipped to deal with those of your submissive. You will understand where they are coming from and can guide them, help them feel wanted and valued. Trust me, if you can really do that for someone, your "young" looks won't matter. (2) It helps you live a more purposeful and fulfilling life. You will not hold yourself back from exploring things, learning things, building on things, solving problems, facing challenges, etc. A belief in self is priceless. Competence leads to such a belief. Competence will come from you building yourself up in deliberate ways. How do you actually go about this though? The answer is surprisingly simple and comes from the second part of my second sentence: Do it anyway. By that, I mean act in spite of your fears and insecurities. Generally, this is easier said than done, so maybe start with the smaller things before the bigger things. You want to be dominate in ways X, Y, Z, but you're a bit self conscious about how you would look. What do you do? Do X, Y, Z anyway. Eventually, you will get good at X, Y, Z. Enough to have your "thing" that I mentioned earlier. And eventually, the people who would let something like your looks stop them from availing themselves of your dominance will make way for those who will see and appreciate and covet its value. Be the best you you can be. Acknowledge your insecurities. Then do it anyway. (Worst case scenario: you won't always look "too young", so you could solve your problem by just waiting a bit. But I still recommend the above approach. It has many benefits.) I would like to stamp an award on this if I rightly could. It's a very well composed and easy to understand/palate reply. May I copy this in my blog for others to see and potentially benefit from? Much appreciated. I feel that no matter who or what you identify as, that all people struggle with this in some way and forget that beauty is depicted differently to each and is more in depth than the skin we wear. Don't give up and find the you that's always been there waiting for their chance to shine. |
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Heero(dom male)
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2 years ago •
May 30, 2022
Re: Beautiful and in depth Valore wrote: I would like to stamp an award on this if I rightly could. It's a very well composed and easy to understand/palate reply. May I copy this in my blog for others to see and potentially benefit from? Much appreciated. I feel that no matter who or what you identify as, that all people struggle with this in some way and forget that beauty is depicted differently to each and is more in depth than the skin we wear. Don't give up and find the you that's always been there waiting for their chance to shine. Indeed, everyone struggles with this to some degree. But we should strive to be the best us regardless. Otherwise, you leave so much on the table. |
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Valore
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2 years ago •
May 30, 2022
As an official message...
There are a lot of different types of people out there in the world and just as many different types of lifestyles, dynamics, kinks and the part or influence each has. The labels you will likely see amongst the bdsm community are also quite flexible. I would consider these labels like a guide to help you further explore what it is that strikes your particular interest, but not a rigid or precise definition. Do not feel pressured to conform to anything and be yourself through the whole journey. Have fun and be responsible/safe. These are the things I would focus on in order to let your confidence grow both about yourself and the bdsm journey. Learning that who you are and what another person would love... is all already inside you. Like it has been mentioned... focus on what you have, rather than what you assume you do not have. Someone else could very well think that your looks are absolutely divine and exactly what they were looking for. There are as many interests as there are blades of grass, or grains of sand, so I offer you this advice... be true to yourself and someone else who is needing the "you" that is so natural to you, will be grateful. This could seem idealistic in thought alone, but you will find all sorts of people here. Many are simply impressed when there's someone willing to be open minded and learn honestly. There's no end to this learning either, since there are just so many varieties and topics available. Everyone is always learning here. So, just be you. The rest will come naturally as you learn more. |
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