Could you give it up?

Could you give it up?

primerose • Jun 30, 2022

Has anyone fallen in love with someone who was not in the lifestyle and did not identify as sub or dom- did you give it up? Could you?

Or did anyone discover the lifestyle while already in a long term relationship with a vanilla partner?

I just wonder how many people can pick up and put down the lifestyle. Curious if people feel they can live a full life without it.

Would you even try? For me, I could definitely do (edit) occasional bedroom only. But I feel i may be the exception to the rule.

AshenFenrir​(dom male) • Jun 30, 2022

I tried. It...didn't end well, as far as trying to go strictly vanilla. So for me, that's not something I could, or would be willing, to try again.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Jun 30, 2022

Here is the deal as I see it ( for me atleast).

I am in a LTR , yet it is so much more than just a BDSM thing with us. As I have said many times there is a hugh difference. between a RELATIONSHIP and a DYNAMIC .

In a Relationship there is Always a hint, splash, or pinch of vanilla within or more.there are ups and downs , bumps and curves in the path..

For a Dom to be a Dominant. He/she need to be in control of themselves and their house. It takes more than being able to spank , whip , tie up someone. Its walking into a room and just being there thier power is felt. The being able to say on word and you know your in trouble ( shower curtain , toast) .

The whips and floggers are the cherry on the top of the sunday .

I'm rambling sorry.

But needed to explain that so you would understand. Even if there wasnt no more play because of any reason it's not able to happen . My Wolf would still be my Dom.

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • Jun 30, 2022

I tried decades ago to forgo Femdom on and off. True Fetishism (in the book definition) doesn't just go away. "sex" doesn't happen without the fetish being fed. I have Fetishes not just kinks or preferences. I found I always tried to incorporate it in some sense (into vanilla relationships) and it caused "issues" that always compounded into "major" issues. Some one always got hurt in some form or another. I decided I wanted my cake and eat it too. I decided I didn't want hurt or hurt others in the emotional sense. Sometimes just loving someone isn't enough when other facets aren't acknowledged. its just like if hobbies, interests or life values aren't factored into relationships there is often a disbalance. Like needs like-mindedness to find some balance. You can only give and take so much of "self" until that giving turns to resentment. Resentment in relationships is rarely over come.

Secret Mind​(dom male) • Jun 30, 2022

I'll get plenty of hate for this but I don't give a damn. Honestly, I could give it all up. In fact, I'd do it in a heartbeat to be with the one I love. No questions asked.

I would toss all this away. Kink, BDSM, all 10+ years of it. People act like BDSM is their only lifeline. As if it's the only way to live. But for me, it means nothing compared to what I can have in life.

Steellover​(sub male) • Jun 30, 2022

I would like to believe that I could. As male who identifies as submissive, and is not currently in a relationship, I want to believe that I could, for her sake. To please the one I love, to give her the love that she wants and needs. And I would be absolutely willing to put aside my kinks for her, keep it buried inside, and focus on the romantic side of being together. You know, sharing our lives, experiences, romance, cuddles and intimacy, like normal vanilla couples do. Of course I would want to give it up for that. Because for a lot of people, being kinky and single is a lonely and unfulfilling experience. I may have said this before, but what I want more than anything isn't just kink, or even sex- it's something deeper. It's LOVE. And to be with the woman I want to be with, I would sacrifice my submissive tendencies, and my kinks- because it would simply not be fair to her to say, "you know, baby...I really like being tied up, spanked and (well I won't share anything else.)

primerose • Jun 30, 2022

A little bit of everything. Very interesting ... Thanks!

Notely • Jun 30, 2022

Time and place for it need the d/s the erotica and romance I’ve done full vanilla not the same you still gotta live in reality.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Jun 30, 2022

I was married to a man for 16 years who was vanilla. I didn’t realize that I was a submissive until we were already married for years. Tried to spark his interest in it, but it he just wasn’t into it. So because I loved him and we had a family, I accepted that our relationship would stay as it was. If other problems hadn’t arisen in our marriage, I’m pretty sure I would have stayed with him.
After our divorce, I decided that I would not settle again. Now I’m happy and completely in love with my Dom. As alawey described, it’s more than just a relationship or a dynamic. We still do a lot of what “normal” couples do. There’s just that extra special aspect to it.

ursa​(sub female) • Jun 30, 2022

Obviously everyone has their own answers to this question, but it is one that I am curious about, too.



This response gave me pause.

I used to be very much in the same vein of thinking - to please the one I love, I could give it up, for their sake. I used to think that love would trump all of the differences and keep me satisfied and fulfilled. I would do anything for love. I thought that I could just keep all of those desires buried - not talk about them, not acknowledge them. So that is what I did. I tried very hard to deny that part of me for many years.

My vanilla love is still one of the greatest, most profound and beautiful experiences I have ever had. I wouldn't trade those years for the world.
But, all that time later, I can't say I stopped having my kinky desires. They were still there, just bubbling under the surface. I began to feel more shame associated with my kinks and fetishes, like it was wrong that I wasn't satisfied with my perfect, loving relationship, it was wrong that I desired what I desired. This experience caused a lot of inner conflict that was tough on me personally and eventually bubbled over into my relationships.

As MissBonnie said,



I don't have the experience to define what my kinks are vs my Fetishes, but I know that there are things that I *need.* If they are not present in a relationship or sexual encounter, I will find ways to pretend that there is a dynamic at play, or I will eventually figure out some way to try and satisfy my desires while still maintaining my vanilla relationship. As many of you can probably guess, this caused even more problems in the relationship that I was so desperate to have.

For me, I need BDSM. I also need love, and I want the things that come with a vanilla relationship.
It took me awhile, but I can now say with confidence that BDSM is a need. It is not something that I can bury indefinitely or something that I can pretend I am happy without experiencing in my life. I am sure there are others who just enjoy "the lifestyle" and perhaps don't "need" it, but that is not me. This is a part of me that is inherent and denying it brought a lot of emotional pain and suffering.

If you want to try and live without it, that's up to you. But I couldn't.