Who should approach first.

Who should approach first.

Forgetmenot • Sep 6, 2024

Hi all.
Just wondering here, what is the general rule of approach for a Dom/sub?
Who is supposed to approach who first? Or is this down the preference/confidence etc?

Is there a general rule of thumb for this?

What would your preference be?

I'd love to hear what you think.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2024

There really isn't a general rule for who takes the first step in the dance.

I prefer it when the s type approaches the D. It is the beginning of the submission to me.

lambsone • Sep 6, 2024

My personal preference would be to be approached by the Dom first, but I have approached them first as well. Either by responding to something they said in a blog or forum post, or something I was curious about in their profile.

I'm so old that there used to be a societal heterol rule to let the man approach the woman. I think flirting was used to let the man know you were interested and was okay to approach you.

But I don't think there are any such Emily Post rules anymore except if a Dom/Domme posts something in their profile about it, then follow that for that particular person.

I don't remember now if there were any rules of etiquette that used to be in place for those who started out 30 to 40 years ago in the BDSM community. There might have been at the time, but those seem irrelevant now.

Miki​(masochist female) • Sep 6, 2024

Not really a "rule of thumb" but as it had gone on for a long time and still does in some circles, the guy is usually the one (who wants to and is somewhat expected to) take the initiative. As many D/s scenarios I see in here involve male doms and female subs, some of that spills over especially because a dom is usually more comfortable making the first move. A dominant is usually possessed of the confidence that comes with having an Alpha personality.

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Though I never was into relationships or established "dynamics" beyond a weekend at most, (One nighters mainly) : "Slam, Bam, and Scram!" ---I did prefer to be the one approached.

Of course when I was "looking" I'd turn up at clubs and other venues where BDSM types were active along with everyone else-- dressed up to clearly indicate I am into the rough stuff and available for all kinds of kinky shit. -- I'd always be sporting short leather or pleated (black) skirt, halter top, some mascara to accentuate my facial features and oh yeah, a wide black choker. Sort of screamed "I'm freaky and twisted, do me !" So of course I was approached.


Besides, it's easier to be approached than to do the approaching and risk getting often embarassing rejection.

Ah those were the days but nowadays I much prefer going to the library.

Heero​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2024

I would agree that there's no general rule.

I'd just like to point out that there are s types who feel it should be the opposite. I'd even see it in profiles often where they'd explicitly state that they think the D type should approach first and they won't be the ones to start the dance.

While there are no rules, there are definitely preferences. However in a context like this, I would take the approach I try to take in life: go after what you want. If someone interests you, reach out. There is always a chance that they just won't see you based on their online habits, and so waiting for one of your interests to reach out probably won't work out so well.

Though, for females this probably isn't so bad. Makes tend to greatly outnumber females on sites like this, and so the average female would get a lot of interest in their inbox...I won't speak to the quality of most of this interest, but it's there 😅

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In my own experience, it has worked out both ways. I have started dynamics where I was the first to reach out and others where the s type reached out to me first. My preference is for what works. I don't think initial approach should be based on roles necessarily.

The answer may change if it comes to actually starting a dynamic though. Who should suggest entering a dynamic first? Interesting question.

Heero​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2024

I do agree with this sentiment also. That this was sort of what the general expectation was, that the D type reached out first, for the reasons you've mentioned.

In practice, especially as of late, I think s types are getting more bold in the DMs :p

But yeah, for me, whoever sees the other person and feels interested first should reach out first. I just think it's more efficient that way.

Heero​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2024

For what it's worth, I do love when I'm approached like this 😁

When it's clear the person reaching out to you "did their homework" and they're engaging based on something of substance as opposed to just randomly reaching out to say hi. But I'm fine with the latter too. The approach is less important to me than the ability to keep up with a conversation following that.

TopekaDom​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2024

Course this applies to predator/prey situations. Prey are not going to be the first ones to make contact.

Otherwise, I think the s types who have this in their profiles simply have no real desire to submit. Much like the line I see "I only want a Dom for the bedroom."

What they are really looking for are tops. Which is fine, but they need to admit it.

bdsamworld​(sub female){collared} • Sep 6, 2024

As an s type I have typically been the first to reach out because I'm a curious creature. And it tends to be reaching out and commenting on something they said in their profile that I just had to respond to, forum post/comment that maybe they're getting no support on and I feel they're correct but I dont want the hatred towards me in comments.

In person I'm very shy. Once in a while I will have a confident moment and approach a D type. If I'm at a munch I might try to stay in eye contact and see if they make a move or not. (Not stare then down but just keep looking over, maybe wave). Or I'll put myself nearby and try to listen into the conversation. See if they're someone I even want to talk to. Then I might add something to the conversation then introduce myself.

Heero​(dom male) • Sep 6, 2024

Haha, this makes me think about those memes that go what you think you look like flirting vs what you actually look like 🤣