Sub healing

Sub healing

Sub Baby Love​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2024

Ok, I think what’s been spinning around in my mind that I want to discuss is if anyone else does this besides me:
I literally know people with so much trauma that entered the bdsm community and they say it helped them. That it started healing them. And I agree, I haven’t stopped thinking about it. I realized the perspective was so beautiful….
And there’s a lot of fake doms out here. Manipulative men. I think we can determine for sure that there’s a line. But when it’s done right… by a real Dom (or dynamic)… it heals you and leaves you open and loved. Can anyone else find the beauty in this or just me?
I thought it was interesting and hope the perspective gives comfort to people besides me in some way.
How many people this as healing?

“Turning trigger warnings into kink”… think of how much love is there. So much love…Beautiful perspective. Xoxo

Kelpi • Sep 22, 2024

Yes I once had a sub who had some major issues. Not with the life style but with her ast and how it played on her because it blocked her from enjoying what she wanted. To get her past a few walls we would just go to toy shops and look around. When she saw the medical supplies I had to pull her out of the shop. She almost had a breakdown over what she saw. Took me many days of telling her she had to have an open mind about some things' even if she did not use them.

It was a slow go on getting her past. Her barriers that being spanked ment she was being punished. Light slow spankings that left only a little pink at first and then letting her tell me how far to go and when. I was so proud of her when she brought me a flogger she bought and asked me to use it. It was a good relationship till she wanted me to go farther than I thought she was ready for and she left me for a guy who ended up hurting her. Alcohol and BDSM do not mix when your on the giving end safe word or not. She ended up in the hospital he ended up in the hospital and doing 10 to 15.

Done right with extreme care and (dare I say?) love it is a mind and world changing experience for both. Now for me being in BDSM has changed me. Since I have walked into the lifestyle I have had to change the way I think and how I act around everyone. I stopped doing so many bad things because I had to have a mind reset. First thing I did was to listen and learn to ask the right questions. I talked to so many subs just to learn what not to do and then be told what to do. I had flashbacks to my first real girlfriends sister who taught me how to treat their sister. I thank all those ladies who gave me their time to talk and listen. The horror stories they had to tell along with so many wonderful stories of love life and pain.

Thank you Baby Love I so many memories and people have been brought back to me.Be well all.

Nightshade Ophelia​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2024

I've heard stories of people being healed by their Doms but finding the right Dom is very hard. Also, building a relationship where you can trust someone completely takes time. I've been exploring kink for 6 months and I feel like I have changed a lot, but I feel like my transformation was a combination of things.

My previous dynamic was good and my previous Dom helped me get through some things. My first few months were rough because I was clueless, too nice and I struggle to read the room sometimes. Once I started focusing on entirely him, things changed. He helped me feel more comfortable with sex, and my body and taught me a lot about kink. He made me feel safe to an extent.

I still did a lot of work outside of the relationship though. My first few months were triggering, so I decided to seek out submissive friends because I felt isolated with no one to ask for advice that I didn't feel was appropriate to ask my Dom. I decided to do my own research and learning, so I could be a good and safe sub. I leaned more into the community listening to others' experiences (especially submissive women), and reading conversations occurring in the forums and blogs. I had to do a lot of introspection too.

The ending of my previous dynamic was very triggering but listening to other submissive's experiences helped me a lot.

I've learned not to trust the Doms in the inbox but there are some amazing Doms on this platform. Seeing men having healthy conversations about their experiences, relationships and their worldviews in the forums and blog posts gives me so much hope. It feels like such a breath of fresh air from the noise of the outside world. Seeing women being loved at every age and size is also very healing.

My current dynamic started on another platform and it's still pretty new (less than two weeks old) but it has been extremely healing so far. I spent months talking and writing about the type of communication that works for me and what type of people I want to surround me and I never believed that I would get it, I thought I was asking for too much. My current dynamic has so far made up for the parts that my previous dynamic lacked. The relationship is healing parts of me that felt shame without me having to say anything to my Master. This man didn't know me two weeks ago but I didn't have to trauma dump or tell Him how to treat me. He is just very respectful (outside of kinky play) and we have a similar communication style. It makes me feel like I am not too much and I don't have to alter myself for someone to like me.

SirsGoodGirl​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2024

Great topic! My view is that healing is down to the individual, whether that be Dom or sub (we all have our own wounds after all). It’s very much a non-linear journey, facing all the shadow sides of yourself repeatedly until you decide to break the chain. Nobody can do that for you, nor can you do it for another.

That said, I absolutely believe having healthy influences around you, in this case partner/dynamic, can support this healing process. There is a lot to be said for D/s dynamics and the wonderful enhancements it can have on your life where there is trust, care and communication. Whilst we all enjoy the fun, kinky play, a D/s dynamic for those who choose to live it outside of the bedroom can have no end of positive influence on your lifestyle, mindset and passions.

And in the interest of being balanced, I would caveat it by noting that the “wrong” D/s dynamic could also have a detrimental impact on your healing journey and therefore I urge anyone to be selective when choosing partners to engage with. Uphold your boundaries. Take a step back or remove yourself entirely where pressured, rushed, see the red flags waving, or even if swept up in the thrill - I would implore anyone new here to take your time, investigate and trust your intuition.

bdsamworld​(sub female){collared} • Sep 22, 2024

While some people find BDSM heals something within them, for others it can bring out the triggers, and then for some it creates trauma or deeper wounds. You can even experience all of the above (hopefully not the last one and not all at once).

In my own person blend of C-PTSD (complex post-traumatic stress disorder) I started out in BDSM feeling as if I was healing from it. Why? Because I finally felt in control. Even though I'm a submissive, I still felt in control and the decisions were mine. I used to think I was healing from every impact scene I'd have, but really it was a way to chase the euphoric high of subspace. Now that I started to heal those wounds from past trauma and I go into impact scenes it's completely different.

Then my dynamics that I have now look completely different from the ones I had starting off my journey with. And I feel like a better in those dynamics because I'm not bringing those triggers and unhealed trauma into them. I'm still working on healing and I feel I forever will be, but I can at least feel more peace and enjoyment out of my dynamics now instead of worrying what trigger will come busting out at any point. And if a trigger does happen there's a lot less emotional work me and my partner has to do. Healing doesn't mean you won't be triggered by the way, it just means you can handle it better AND get back to yourself quicker.

While BDSM brings out some cathartic and euphoria, it's good to heal before getting into a dynamic with someone.

Sub Baby Love​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2024

Kelpi, That’s so sad. I want to think she didn’t just jump into bed with a guy that beat her up. That’s sounds like major fake bdsm. Scary these days. Guys kinda get to throw up the “she likes bdsm” just to be able to hurt a girl. Playing out rape fantasies that will never be discussed or earned by the Dom. Man it’s weird out here but it’s the reality these days. So I’m so sorry you probably worked really hard with her. Sounds like you were very patient and caring. Life is a wild learning experience. And the asking different subs their opinion and asking questions is such a good sign of someone in the community I think.
When it’s done wrong it totally does affect how you re enter another relationship, you’re right. That’s why we need help from older folks here. I feel like we need their voices and perspective.

Sub Baby Love​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2024

Nightshade, I agree with so much of this. You seem to have similar issues as me. And definitely healing in the acceptance and love aspect. It’s amazing. I need to reach out to more subs too, I’m not good at reading the room and social cues. It feels like curse lol you gave me some good ideas though. I haven’t talked to many subs on here. Thank you 🩷

Sub Baby Love​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2024

Sirsgoodgirl… your post made me feel so supported. This is exactly what I’m trying to do these days. Being super selective and boundaries is my goal for learning right now. I’m also trying to branch out here lately. My gut instinct is telling me to come here and talk to community. Thank you!

Sub Baby Love​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2024

Bdsamworld, love that you brought up what healing is and your experiences. This is exactly what I wanted to be apart of this topic post. What couples go through in their bdsm relationships with trauma and how they all deal with it. individually and as a couple. Love this.

Sincorrigible​(sub female) • Sep 22, 2024

I think there is beauty in any good relationship. Define that as you wish, because how long is a piece of string?

I think what's not okay is to go into any new relationship, vanilla or ds, with unrealistic desires and expectations that someone is going to fix you. No one can fix you. You do that for yourself. You have to want that, and do that hard work, yourself. A great partner can help you, can reflect, can accept. But it isn't fair simply to expect that of someone. And in particular, I feel strongly that, if you know you have a lot you need to work on, you owe it to yourself and to others you might get involved with, to seek professional help.

Having said that, I have felt what you talk of here, the beautiful 'therapy' from a dominant within a ds relationship, and it is a beautiful and potentially life changing thing. 🙂💜