Conversation and misunderstandings

Conversation and misunderstandings

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Jul 30, 2018

Does a Sub talking to a Dom mean that she is automatically interested in becoming theirs? I mean, I am still relatively new to this community and I honestly don’t know if there is some secret BDSM etiquette that perhaps I am missing. Just because I speak with another person (whether D/s/switch etc), it doesn’t necessarily mean I am interested in them on a personal level. I respond to almost all of the messages I receive and generally enjoy speaking to all fellow kinksters. Clearly, I don’t want to give off the wrong vibe, I’m just learning the ropes so to speak. Gaining valuable information through the experiences and opinions of others.

Is there a general unspoken rule that i should be aware of? so that I may avoid offending others. Perhaps something that states that any D/s Who communicate are a “perspective” to the other unless stated from the beginning of communications?. I personally thought it would have been rather clear, but now I’m not to sure.

Asteria​(neither female) • Jul 30, 2018

No. There is no such rule. The only reason why people assume anything like that is that they are impatient and want to rush things. And yes, this is actually a red flag.

Bunnie • Jul 30, 2018

From past experiences (some of which apparently still haunt me), I’ve learned to clarify straight away if I’m unavailable. I too enjoy talking with people, and love to listen and learn about them and their experiences. However, unfortunately, many people do get the wrong message, which disappointingly creates a struggle between remaining open and friendly, or shutting that down and becoming standoffish. Upon self reflection, I realise that I’ve become a lot more standoffish than I used to be. I hope this doesn’t happen to you, as it did me. My suggestion is to just be upfront asap, to help avoid any confusion or miscommunication.

Asteria​(neither female) • Jul 30, 2018

@ Pan Dora - But it is not only a matter of being unavailable, I think, that is something else, I guess.
If a submissive is actively looking for a Dominant - does that automatically mean that she has to be interested in every person she talks to?

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Jul 30, 2018

Thanks Bunnie, words of wisdom as usual. I agree with the struggle to remain open and friendly, or shutting down. I feel like you can’t just have a conversation anymore. You have to watch everything you say carefully, in order to avoid offending the other person. I think being upfront is probably the best way forward, I just tend to get slightly embarrassed when it comes to that.

Thanks x

silentone​(dom male) • Jul 30, 2018

I don't think so. I welcome subs to come talk to me and if they are interested great! if not a conversation is always welcome. Not all Doms may agree with this, some don't want to take the time etc.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Jul 30, 2018

@ Tallone, it’s always nice to get the other side of the coins perspective. I guess some Doms just don’t want to waste their time, same with some subs etc. Well, when someone starts a conversation with “hey” or “how are you?” It is not necessarily screaming hey I’m in interested. Maybe for those who do not wish to waste their time should be more clear in the initial message x

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Jul 30, 2018

I thought I'd chime in with the perspective from the Dom side of things. Basically, I talk to interesting people. I've never contacted a sub on here with the purpose of developing a D/s relationship. When I message, it's usually to comment privately on a sub's comments in blogs, forums or chats. Nothing but friendly. Subs that approach me seeking that sort of relationship have rarely taken the time to read my writing and often lead with something like "Hi Master.." They get ignored or turned down. For the ones that show intelligence and are interesting, the first questions I ask are about what the sub is seeking, what sort of relationship they're after. It's rare for the answers there to be satisfactory and compatible. Regardless of all that, I keep in social contract with interesting subs, and I'm always happy to answer intelligent questions from anyone with no expectations of a relationship, either D/s or mentoring. I'm happy with all that.

Here's the downsides;

- other Doms will 'warn' subs about anyone they don't like. They don't know any first hand information and will simply project their own negative opinions.

- anyone I publically flirt with in the lobby, which I only ever do in jest, will automatically be linked to me romantically in the minds of many.

- I have taken time off from the site several times. Each time I have, absolutely incorrect and ignorant rumors have been spread about the reasons, mostly involving speculation a relationship with someone I've never talked to privately.

- many folks here use vague descriptions on blogs when describing conflict. Since folks aren't named, many make incorrect assumptions about who the blogs are about. This leads to more speculation and rumor.

- when someone does actually blog anonymously about me, I choose not to respond in kind even when their interpretation of events is demonstrably false and they choose to lie. Official Cage policy prohibits any sort of response there, which allows folks to freely spread rumors without correction or consequence.

- this site and many others, as well as IRL kink communities are basically full of high school level gossip and rumor mongering. The same ones that decry 'drama' are often the ones that seek it out and spread rumors behind the scenes. Since they aren't directly involved, they don't their role in it as 'drama', yet treat personal and painful situations they have no direct knowledge about as their own source of entertainment. This site ain't TMZ or Gossip Cop.

I give absolutely no fucks about any of this. It is what it is. The folks that do it vanish, are banned or use alternative identities to return and continue the same behavior. It's not worth the mental effort to get caught up in these things.

My advice to you is to talk to who you want. You are not required to justify this to ANYONE. Ever. Yes, idiots are judging you. They're idiots and they know nothing about the truth. Ignore them and don't respond. Know the Code of Conduct and Terms of Service of the site, and report them if they cross the line. This is all you can do.

I'm sorry you're going through this as a sub and a woman. The attacks there are usually much more vicious and hurtful. Hang in there and don't let the bastards get you down.

curiouskittyy​(sub female){GentlemanX} • Jul 30, 2018

Thank you Fudbar, as per usual your insight is always greatly appreciated. I agree that some people unfortunately tend to be a tad childish with their “gossip” but I try to avoid this and any confrontation really like the plague - not my cup of tea. Thanks again x

Sybil • Jul 30, 2018

No there is no such rule... you are free to talk to whoever you see fit. I personally like holding conversations chats with different people because it allows me to gain a variety of perspectives.