It Would Be Nice

beach baby​(sub female) • Jun 11, 2020

Honestly, why would anyone want to be involved in this type of relationship and not have crazy chemistry with your partner. I think it’s silly to have requirements that rule out a lot of people, but a basic description and lets face it a pic is not an unreasonable request. I think it very much helps with the process and can speed it up for sure.

In real life, we can look at someone and know if we’re interested and it’s not about just the look. It’s the way they carry themselves,how they treat you, and just that spark. I have a type, but I also have been attracted to men that turned that type inside out and upside down. Even with that being said, a request for a physical and personality description in my opinion is a very reasonable request.

djinni​(dom female){smplylaura} • Jun 11, 2020

I think prejudging someone based on their weight as a number is bullshit. Everyone carries weight different. I have small tits but often weight more than a friend that has very large ones. But she looks heavier. I have always shared pics near the beginning of a chat if we are vibing (as my submissive can attest) but if someone asks me to give them my weight they can fuck off. If you immediately want to cut out someone awesome because their weight number doesn’t fit your ideal then you are an asshole. Most plus sized people have no shame in telling you they are so. Amazing people out there that don’t always fit into your porn star fantasies.

beach baby​(sub female) • Jun 11, 2020

I personally would never give out my weight either. Even to someone I’ve been with a long time. I think it’s gentlemanly not to ask. I wouldnt be giving my measurements either unless you are buying me clothes.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 12, 2020

Which is exactly why it's important to be HONEST about that sooner rather then later. I can tell you that as someone that's been in a relationship with a bigger gal it hurt them MUCH MORE when I had to be honest about their physical appearance.

Get it out of the way sooner and know if it's going to be an issue or not. So it doesn't bite you in the ass later. Which it most certainty will if not addressed quickly.

Besides, if you don't have any respect for yourself how can you expect others too? You have flaws. Get over it. I'm not biased. I'm saying present them, be honest and roll up your sleeves and support each other in overcoming obstacles. Any attempt at lies or secrets causes misunderstandings and miscommunication. You have to overcome those fears in the process of establishing happiness sooner. By getting the concerns out of the way quicker.

wannabepsychology​(sub female){Taken} • Jun 12, 2020

I personally am not offended.

I am full figured, curvy, whatever you want to call it. I recently put it in my profile because people were contacting me mistakenly, the first thing they would talk about was their slim build and that they expect the same. It just made it awkward.

Women are sensitive about it sometimes because of the way we are portrayed in society. That being said, everyone has preferences. I have preferences. There is one build in particular that is a trigger for me due to a past relationship, other than that, I am open even though I do have preferences.

I did message with someone for awhile that clearly explained on his profile that he was a bigger guy. He let me know (without knowing that I was one) that he had no use for a BBW due to having to untie her constantly. I pointed out that he needed to be careful because of what was in his profile, that many times people assume that someone of his stature would not mind someone who has a little extra weight. He agreed that it did seam a little hypocritical. I then let him know that I did have that stature and it probably would not work for him. He disappeared.

So that is what annoyed me, he did not specify in his profile that body type IS an issue for him, and he did not have the nerve to respond when I told him.

All of that being said, I agree that people should put some things about themselves in their profiles. I worked on mine because I am not kidding, I am serious about having a D/s relationship. It is important to me, for my mental health and well being, not to have another vanilla relationship. I put in that I am curvy to avoid awkward moments.

I also have had plenty of men message and looking at their profile, there is nothing. To me that is a red flag.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 13, 2020

I really have to address this. You're basically saying you're turned off a body type because you had a bad past experience with someone else of a a similar body type. Right?

This comes back to projecting onto others from your own fears. It's extremely important to keep in mind that that new person that you're facing is NOT the people from the past. Be it "body type" or "What kinks they like that you had a bad experience with". etc.

If you think about it, it's similar to discrimination. You're fearing the worst of "that group". not being attractive is one thing. A big body that displays lack of self control with eating habits is one thing.

But fearing the worst of someone that did nothing to you because your own fear consumes you? That is entirely another thing. And it is extremely important to be aware of the difference. One is on them, the other is on you.

Put simply, no one deserves to be seen the worst of just because they look LIKE something that hurt you in the past. Consider how people mistrust you easily when they project their bad past experiences onto you.

wannabepsychology​(sub female){Taken} • Jun 13, 2020

Hi Tamarafor,

I appreciate your concern. But...

It is not projection.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I was in an abusive marriage for over 11 years. PTSD changes our brains and how they operate. I have what is called a trauma response. When I see someone who looks like my ex husband, my brain and body react as if I am reliving my trauma. It is not pretty.

My son looks like his dad and is now the same height.

I have had a trauma response to my son because he was wearing a white tshirt and jeans that looked exactly like his dad.

Do you have any idea how painful that is? To have a response like that to someone who is completely innocent and you love dearly?

I just over the past six months have been able to work through this with my therapist. And my son, he threw out all of his white tshirts. He knows what his dad did and wants to make sure I feel safe at home. Should he have to think about that? Hell no. But he does because this is our reality.

The D/s relationship is completely built on trust. How do you think a true Dom would feel if I had a trauma response during a session? Doms carry much weight on their shoulders. That is part of who they are. Doms can be traumatized also. Imagine if my response was severe enough to warrant an ems ride to the ER and being transferred to inpatient. He might never recover.

I am sorry that you think I am being mean or insensitive...Personally I think I am being responsible. I would never want to put another person's mental health at stake because I am afraid of hurting someone's feelings on the front end. I would rather politely explain and apologize than for a true Dom be traumatized because I am still processing my own trauma response.

All of this is meant in a respectful way. I just wanted you to know that it has nothing to do with me projecting. The pathways that PTSD creates can take years to change. I am working on it.

heartbrokengirl​(sub female) • Jun 13, 2020

I can understand you wanting to be able to read a persons profile and gather some info from them to see if maybe they are a potential match.
Even though I am NOT looking at all I still read peoples profiles and like to see how the are as a person.

I speak from experience - I didn't have anything on my profile at all for the longest time - I just wasn't comfortable putting myself out there. I have the worst self confidence and felt like if I put what I was like on my profile I would never get a match. That no one would take the time to respond or get to know me because I couldn't see myself in enough of a positive light.
Some of us are in a place where its hard to describe ourselves because we can't see our worth. I don't even want to think about me and how I look, how am I suppose to sum it up in my profile.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Jun 14, 2020

Oh, my concern isn't for you. It's for the people you circle back on. Being blunt, direct and honest here. You fear consumes you. It is your past fear you are (unknowingly) projecting.

I view you as someone that is AFRAID because of the REMINDERS you see. This is very much a projection of past fears onto current events. Listen to me very carefully. You. Are. Afraid. Forget the safe labels and excuses for it. You. Are. Afraid. Of the past repeating itself. And in pain when you see those reminders most likely. I do understand this. I've gone through it myself. even gone insane from it. I had to be harsh on myself so I'm being harsh on you. Understand that or don't. Truth and logic is truth and logic. I can not afford to spare feelings when we're discussing how fear HARMS people. Or keeps them safe. But here it's harming. You tell me if that's mean or not.

going to speak personally but also genially.

Time to get personal. No, really, I'm going to mention my own bad past experiences and prove to you that you are projecting. It's honestly a common mistake people make. Normally fuels trust issues (in this case it's more a case of struggling to even face others). It has to do with fear you see. But ACCURATE fear to be more precise. When accurate and faced it can be conquered. controlled. There is pain but it is overcome. When inaccurate and avoided, it consumes you. Always comes back. Unresolved. Lingering. Makes you live in pain. Reasons will vary. But this is what it all boils down too.

It takes years for you because you've yet to learn getting over the WORST of your fears. Which is actually something I can honestly relate too. It took a while for me too. Once you face the worst of your fears a number of times it gets quicker and easier through practice, repetition and being aware of the "formula" (being aware. How to not have fear consume you in various situations no matter how volatile. etc). Learning all of that does indeed take time.

Now think about this for a moment. Because this is the important part. If you can face the WORST of your fears is there anything you won't be able to face after that? That is your incentive to face it head on. To EXPOSE yourself to it. Because if you can do that with this imagine how capable you'll be coming out the other end. Fear doesn't stop being less scary. But you learn to face and handle it through that exposure. Find those T-shirts. Find those jeans. LOOK for them. But, uh... Maybe not kidnap people with a body type. In time those painful memories are replaced with happier ones because of the differences. Not the similarities. in time you stop thinking about the similarities so much and focus on the differences. Exposure does that.

Exposure lets us SEE the proof. Your "brain" (instincts and habits is more accurate. Thinking also alters that) CHANGES depending on how YOU consider and view things constantly and consistently. All the time. It's doing it right now. And that's a good thing. You have to remind yourself "Similar but also DIFFERENT". Not just here but with multiple situations. It's a very simple but effective piece of information that a lot of people easily overlook. Even the chemicals inside of us change, all depending on how understanding and aware (and in control) we are. So that's not an excuse either. It's why we feel "happy" when we have support for example. It's why we feel "loved" when we embrace someone. How we gain "strength" is overcoming our weaknesses. The flip side of stress, sadness and depression is obvious. Finding the reasons brings control and stability. And in turn peace of mind. But to gain that you must accept the situation for what it REALLY is. So prepare yourself. Because I'm knocking your excuses outside the ball park.

PTSD isn't an excuse. Not sugar coating this. You're hiding behind a safe label. Speaking as someone that's suffered from my own nightmares and self isolation because of my own past fears (and pain). Again, not an excuse. Personally I lost someone to suicide and had to overcome handguns (even in computer games. I really struggled with it). As well as someone that's been in the middle of people and made to choose between them when they were at each others throats. Which was actually worse because "Ohh, they see the worst". It got to the point where I lost my sanity. So yea, I understand the hell you go through.

But you know how I overcame all of that? Because I focus on what is DIFFERENT. Those guns that used to give me nightmares? Pew pew. entertainment now. DIFFERENT weapons in a DIFFERENT environment with DIFFERENT people. Those exes that fell out? They had a crush on each other. Because I saw through the differences and pointed them out (in this case it's even the same people). Not only that, THEY learned to see that in each other. All that pain, suffering, anger, misery and grief from "Seeing the worst of". Just because it's what people want to see? Frankly, that's bullshit. And I call it out.

You're still fixated on the similarities. You're making excuses to continue to do so. the excuses I once made. Ok, different excuses. But you get my point. Should I walk away from people that remind me of my past? Better question. Is that the EXAMPLE I want to set?

It wasn't "T-shirts". It was THAT T-shirt. That ONE T-shirt. It wasn't "All of that body build". It was that ONE body type. Assigned to that ONE person that hurt you. Them and NO ONE ELSE. It wasn't even the clothes. Or the body type. It was their PERSONALITY. What they DID. And, just so we're perfectly clear here, chances are you also made your OWN mistakes to cause that situation to go bad. So go toss out your own clothes if that's the case. But you can't toss out your skin. You're blaming everything around you. Like I once did. But that's all it is. Blame. Not responsibility. Blame without responsibility serves no purpose. Blame without responsibility is making a target. That's what bullies do. Finding any other excuse. Again, this is very much projecting. You might not mean to do it on a conscious level, you might try to avoid it on a CONSCIOUS level. But on a SUB conscious level that is what is happening. If you can't even admit it's what you're doing then you'll just continue to do it because you can't even admit the situation for what it is. Meaning you'll never do anything about it.

I'm saying this again so it sinks in. You are sub concisely assigning blame to t-shirts, jeans and body types. It is why you are afraid of the flashbacks and bad memories when you see the reminders. Which, to be fair, is a reason. But, again, THAT one situation. That ONE t-shirt. Those ONE pair of jeans. On that ONE person.

To quote "This is my rifle. There are many like it but this one is mine."

But this isn't about shirts or jeans alone is it? No, this is about something more sinister. This is about how anyone ever's been in a bad situation, took one glance at you for being in a similar situation and them immediately slapped down the mistrust mallet. Because of THEIR past fears of "similar situations". Situations that can go VERY differently if given the chance.

Do you give that chance even when you are afraid?

Re: It Would Be Nice

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Jun 14, 2020

This is a slippery slope to climb. When you veto someone because of a list of attributes instead of getting to know them first you run the risk of missing out on someone who could be right for you. Not to mention that you may find things in someone you didn't know you like if you stay away from the "lists" of what you would normally look for. Sometimes not knowing ahead of time can be a good thing.