(Lifestyle) Does Your BDSM Define You?

MrJamess​(dom male) • Sep 28, 2020

This is a point that has actually put me off from meeting other BDSM people and getting involved in the community, despite wanting to, and attempting to on a couple of occasions. BDSM doesn't define me, it's only a small, but significant part of who I am - and when I've attended munches and crossed paths with others I just get a bit put off by the level of obsession - I love to discuss and make friends with other like minded kinksters but not when it's the only thing they ever talk about!

SAXMANIAC​(sub female) • Oct 1, 2020

I think being a submissive does define me, it is my nature; this need to please and desire to be accepted.
But being a submissive doesn't make me a push over or someone who is easily manipulated. In or out of
any relationship, I still have to navigate these mean streets.

Bunnie • Oct 2, 2020

Everything defines me. I am the sum of all of my experiences, combined with the essence of “me” (who I am or what makes me “me”).

In my eyes, that’s what makes us all different. We are all made of the same things essentially (emotions, cells etc etc)... we all have the same “mish mash” of “resources,” however, our individual uniqueness comes from how our mish mash comes forth and presents... which is where our experiences come into play. Experience is how we can have such an infinite number of possible combinations with such seemingly limited “resources.”

I hope this makes sense lol.

MariGold • Oct 2, 2020

I think they mean that they don't want to live in the shadow of said event but the things you experience in your life sure do define you and mold you, they don't have to in a way that stops you from enjoying it though. I think that's the difference.

With BDSM or any predilections really, I think it depends if you let yourself follow that path or not. I witnessed a lot of people feeling shame around their wants and needs, so I think it's a question of denying yourself that need or letting yourself go there.

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 7, 2020

Which, at the end of the day, is another way of saying people are afraid of being judged or otherwise fear being avoided/misunderstood due to being "odd". That very fear is what holds people back from being happy as who and what they really are.

I find it hypocritical how someone will go "This doesn't define me" but will THEN further add "This thing about me is shameful/bad/etc". At that point it's defining your fear. At that point you are living in a shadow. But it's of your OWN making.

I (and others) are much happier being an open book and being done with anyone that doesn't even consider being understanding. This is me. This what what I like. Accept it or don't. Being upfront about it gets it accepted more often and quicker. Why, just today I had someone tell me they're into farting. Got them to open up about it. No one should have to live with that fear of shame hanging over their heads when it's irrational. And if it's not irrational then that's probably the point it's time to find more understanding, less judgemental company.

I also remember watching a show touching on shame about someone being bi. The concern was with the parents. The daughter (grown up) outright went "I'm bi. Accept it or don't. Even if you are my parents." That approach just works. Except when it doesn't. But if it doesn't you were never accepted for who you was to begin with. And in hiding things about yourself you lived as a shadow.

You can also determine if someone will be open minded with you (or struggle to be) the MOMENT you're more honest with them. What people are really ashamed of is keeping secrets and being deceitful. If you know you're not honest with someone you do have something to be ashamed of. But it's not just about X kink. It's about what ELSE you could be hiding. How can I TRUST you if you're keeping secrets from me? That's what it boils down too. I understand the fear but it's really not an excuse. I know MOST people might "look down" but if anything I'm more likely to "look up". But you won't see that if you don't TELL me. Above all else it's about the honesty. But don't just be honest with that other person. Be honest with yourself and actually say to someone that you are who you are and are into what you're into. So you can find out if someone is open minded or not.

It also helps when you're listening to someone else's "odd kinks". mentioned mine back to that person I mentioned earlier. They just "accepted" it. Even inquired a little. Thus I gained "interest". Everyone's got a skeleton in their closet. I just happen to have... a rather large collection of skeletons. But who am I to judge having so many? Therefor I never do. For reasons beyond kinks though. Turns out many others are also like that. In the past I isolated myself. I deluded myself into thinking I'd never be accepted. You can know it's a lie but if you tell yourself it enough times you start to believe it. So any sense of "shame" should be combated with "Is it really something to be ashamed of". And if so, why?

I have a very simple saying. "If it makes you happy, it makes you happy." Anyone seeing that as shameful, regardless of what it is, is probably just fearing the worst. Likely irrationally. Therefor THEY are the ones to have something to be ashamed of. Not you.

MariGold • Oct 7, 2020

I am not sure if this is a general response or one aimed at me, because you're preaching to the choir. I was just making a comment about trauma and that it does not define you necessarily.

Yes people feel shame. I don't think it is warranted either, but it's their life, if they rather not go for it and feel shame, I feel sorry for them but I won't change it.

I started a long time ago to live life to the beating of my own drum and I am much happier for it.

LordofPain56 • Oct 8, 2020

I may be the odd man out, but I'd turn the question around and ask; ...What defines me? and the answer is my character traits. There is NO type of lifestyle that defines me. I can be many things (a carpenter, a welder, a landscaper, a farmer, a machine shop worker or assembly plant worker, a business manager, a brick-layer and hod-carryer, a plumber, and more). Those don't define me and by the same token, adult playtime activities, nor hobbies wouldn't define me either. Certainly not, since bedroom activities have always been the least highest priority of my life.
If someone were to ask...What am I?....they would get a long list of adjectives, the last of which would be "sadist".

Taramafor​(sub male) • Oct 8, 2020

So you're saying you make no attempt to encourage people to overcome their shame? Additionally, I doubt anyone would "rather" feel shame. Likely more accurate to say they feel "trapped" in shame (though they're probably trapping themselves). People get used to how they feel and get stuck in a rut. People also like to harp on about "Do what I feel like" instead of using their heads. sometimes those people use their heads when challenged. Sometimes they don't. But they have to be challenged.

The thing is lying to yourself (subconsciously in this case) is dishonesty. That isn't just "their" life though. That approach will be affecting other people. And by this logic, me. X kink. Y kink. Z none kink. Things about ME. You're not just seeing yourself that way. It's everyone else too. Just as importantly "believing lies" or "Denial" can destroy peoples lives (or that of others). Though chances are you don't see it unless you're around someone consistently for extended periods of time. If you remain silent and refuse to challenge someone on the matter there's every possibility you allow the situation to happen when you could be the one to stop it. Therefor the question is "Is it worth trying"?

Which, for me, depends. Mainly it depends on how "close minded" or "silent" someone is. What people often overlook I think is that often a stranger can open up quite easily as soon as you meet them. That they can accept you ASAP if you just open up and be more confident. As opposed to knowing someone for a long time who has yet to talk about things properly. But if that communication is lacking is it because of your lack of communication? Is it YOUR fear/shame making them feel "ashamed"?

I'm one person and can only be in so many places at once. So I only talk to those that either don't fall into that trap to begin with (but let's face it, everyone has flaws), or if someone does at least listens and communicates with me properly. If someone doesn't it could just mean they're afraid, but that might not translate to a close mind. But if someone makes it clear they fixate on only seeing the worst alone with not a hint of considering any other possibility (after I challenge them) then that is a closed mind. If it's a stranger I'll probably move on. If it's someone I know I'll use unbiased logic to pull teeth. Works, but can be a hassle when someone is stubborn. I don't do it just for their safety though. I do it for mine. It just so happens that benefits you as well.

People want to be accepted but a number of people can look down on you. Which makes them feel oppressed. Like it's "wrong to exist". I know that feeling all too well. So the way I see it I'm improving peoples lives by making them feel more accepted after I get them to open up and reminding them a lot of others will as well. If I make you feel good then you probably want to do the same back to me. We all need that reminder, that it's not just a world of being looked down on. Least we forget. When you're that alone it's so easy to forget. So with that in mind... How many people let us forget? That could be the biggest danger. That we ALLOW shame to happen (well, second biggest danger baring being judgemental).

MariGold • Oct 8, 2020

Taramofor, whatever you say. I don't have the capacity to talk to people anymore who only see what they want to see.

That is NOT what I was saying at all, if you read it that way, you do you. Take care

Little Matty​(sub male) • Oct 8, 2020

That's an interesting question for me so I wanted to share my thoughts, though its kinda going off from where much of the thread has already gone.

I'm a little and a submissive. My submissive side doesn't really define me but my little-side has been a near constant in my adult life and has had a significant impact on my life, hobbies and interests. I mean, I don't publicize my little-side, no one else would recognize it as defining, but from my own perspective it certainly is.

I guess the question for me is if I can just strip out that little-side say that's defining without saying BDSM is defining for me also? It seems to be that BDSM is kinda tied in (atleast as it relates to this) with the larger relationship dynamic, so the little side could just be pulled out and considered separately. Though, I'm still learning a lot about BDSM, I've known about and embraced my little-side for a long time, but only this past year have I started exploring BDSM in relation to that, I'm not even totally sure I fit in.