When subs get burnt out

Dunimos​(dom male) • Oct 30, 2020

Be authentic, tell the truth and listen.
Then, trust your gut.

You will meet plenty of fine people... they may or may not be where you are and that's ok. Doent mean they aren't real, or are fake.... maybe they are, maybe they're just figuring things out.

2 cents worth.

AshenFenrir​(dom male) • Oct 30, 2020

There's a few things I would add, some have been said already and some I think haven't. Trust your gut, is a big one I stand by. If something seems sketchy or makes you question, makes you feel uncomfortable, etc, listen to it. Ask questions. Another one, is do your homework. No matter what role you identify as. Try to figure out what you need, and what it is you're looking for. As plainly, and bluntly honest as you can. Is it the control? The act of controlling another? Looking for an (ideally) long term relationship? A short-term mentor, to learn more about things? Online, or only in person? Just the fun naughty bits to get off to? Sometimes not knowing what those things are, or a miscommunication of what each person involved is really looking for can lead to a messy situation.

The next piece of advice I would offer (and this is my own personal stance.) Everyone is a person first, and the role they identify as second. So interact as a person, meeting another. I've found some very good interactions with people in that way, which has also been a part of my current dynamic.

Finally, I would suggest watching the actions people take, and do, and use those as a baseline, instead of what they say/claim to be. If someone claims to be a Dom, and tries to immediately cut off all your communication with others and demands nudes? What does that behavior tell you? What if someone always has to get the last word in, no matter what kind of communication it is? If safewords are banned, or every interaction devolves into fantasies and conversations to get off to? I've found that paying attention to those things, and using them as a guide and tool, haven't led me astray thus far.

Again, bear in mind this is written from my own perspective. If someone is only on here for the physical release, then you do you and have fun with it. Whatever it is you're looking for, don't settle for less and try to be patient. It can be hard to find, and it might take a long time. When you do find it though? It is so, so very worth the wait and the effort involved to get there.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 2, 2020

I am certainly no one's idea of a "real sub" whatever that may be to a given individual, but as a masochist I tend to fall onto the submissive side of the kink coin, but for the record O P says some subs treat this as a "dating app". Nothing could be f
further from the truth with me. I go out of my way to tell anyone who writes to me that a meet, eat, and beat is extremely unlikely if not impossible. Only if I run into someone locally who happens to be in here. I am here simply to interact, read, learn, and on occasion write something someone might find at least mildly informative.

I have had almost no trouble with doms who won't take "no thanks" for an answer although I did block a couple overly ambitious "gents" who became digitally abusive when I informed them that I'll never be found in the Personals section... for a reason. That held true even before COVID. Now, of course, meeting me in person is even less likely than finding a gift-wrapped box of pixie dust in one's stocking this Christmas

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 5, 2020

If someone doesn't even know what they want then how can they inform others how to handle them? They simply can't.

Boundaries don't have to be set in place to get what you want. I personally like and prefer to adapt. However, I must get what I want/need AS WELL. Otherwise it would be unfair. BOTH ways. It takes a lot to put me off. But what puts me off more then anything is "lack of interaction". Basically, "Do more, not less". At the same time make sure the actions (and what is said) carry context. Give meaning. Not just "done just to be done".


You want things. I want things. See above. Again, both. Additionally, people project from bad past experiences too much and too often. Some try again and find out there's nothing to be afraid of. Others assume otherwise and never find out if something can work or not because they didn't try with THAT person with THAT change of context. So the FIRST step towards getting what you want is to not make it about what you want alone. Instead it's a question of what you get back. Thing is in order to find that out people have to actually DO things. Even what they are reluctant to do. Even what people find uncomfortable. And this is where the real issues become apparent. First of all it's proven that people that DO more and worry less enjoy the activities more. And thus overcome fear itself. However, people like to harp on about "Stick with comfort zones. Go with only what you know." Which is, frankly, a mistake. For example, bunnie has made a post about finding happiness when she's explored outside of her own comfort zones alone and found happiness through that. As have I. As have others after I've had to challenge them.

The problem isn't on the subs (or doms) not knowing what they want when they pretend otherwise alone. The main issue here is people letting fear consume them and making excuses to play it to safe. Things like confusion and force can be good things. But how many will have a conversation with you about that? Sure, I can get those kind of conversations going. But examine the community on a whole. Doms can have a habit of being "done" and subs can have a habit of "fleeing". Both are guilty of not being understanding. And BOTH need to be CHALLENGED on that account. The path to comfort is forged through discomfort. Just as one has a trial by fire before being the flame itself.

DomF​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2020

Been there...
wash, rinse and repeat( not a fan of oxford commas). Is there a person who hasn't felt burnt out/over it, that has never been there to buy the t-shirt in the first place?
The experience and resulting impressions at first can not be compared. So, eventually you have to put your proverbial toe in it.. Until the water hits your flesh( and then even for a few beats after, pun intended) you don't know if you will get burned. So the burnt out part is all relative.
As mentioned, understanding of your own needs is paramount in any dynamic.
For the record...not a premium member and not here to spam subs...

Notely • Nov 5, 2020

It goes both ways some are still growing part of growth taking the responsibility.
Show the person the way without force but they must do the rest of that work for themselves they are going to do in their own way.
You never know what someone is going through until you get to know them. Some were not shown.
Instead of lowering lift the person without judgement can not all-way's judge a book by its cover, go by vibe and attitude how they carry it. If they can not listen, just give them some info and send them on their way.Valued  Lass/Gent show's without judgment.
Evolving Lass/Lad learns from the  Valued Teacher you treat all subjects well either way they will never learn unless it shows they need proper guidance , and support , Structure in life in loving matter.  Some just need a friend or someone to talk to or a listening ear that all it takes to make someone's day.  Some resources are not all limited, it is not like the old days with Etiquette and manners everything is taught in books or has to be shown in a way.
First dance, sing, read to each other. Communicate, Don't count on sex to be the door to intimacy. it's the other way around first to develop intimacy skills. Then make love to enjoy them.

Reserved being off the market not available to everyone.
Boundaries and limitations
A mutual friendship has to be build over time exchange with energy it can not be given.
Inner work , Inner peace , Master one self , Growth , Mind -Body- Soul.
It's by choice just has anything else.
Seek respect, not attention. Not attention, that will fade quickly.
Keeping to the the imagination.
Bond with love and trust two people that share the passion and love and pain with pleasure. Time and place and everything. Communication . Connection , Attraction , Vibration , Yin and Yang , Balance , Consent , Your in it together , Openness , One for one only, Love . Romance , Class , Erotica , Physically , mentally , Souls , High self , Inner work , Experience.

Song affirmation by savage garden.
Sexuality , Love , Soul , Understanding of life , Universe , Respect , Growth , Mind body and soul , Balance , Trust. Understand worth and happiness.
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But this just acknowledgment of the D/s go what you feel but find your own way.

Mastering yourself as a Head of Household
This not to be force but this to be grown for your own self in and out not really tell how how to be but you gotta grow up some how I can't hit you over the head with a frying pan tell you.
They need proper guidance from you. They did not come with a hand book. You make that hand book together and you start each chapter by making a life together. You have to have patience and one on one communication. You create to make happiness so need to mold your Home maker but let them be them self never try to change them but agree on things together.

They are not perfect neither are you. We are all imperfect but practice makes perfect. Do it out of love not anger.

My first head of household taught me things so I could advance myself. I did the rest on my own. I knew how to cook and sew but they need their piece of the puzzle just as you do. I had to take Home economics in grade school with middle school and high school. My grandmother taught me a thing or two. Had child development classes was required. Later had nutrition class. They have taken away Home economics they had them in the 50s to the 90s to early 2000's but then later taken out of the education system. The resources are very limited you have to go to local library or read blogs or find a good book that shows you how. Unless you can find a place that teaches you how to cook do around the house things.





BDSM 101 Semi allure erotica
Been on this roller coaster ride for 21 years I got into the lifestyle 1997 reading erotica but later got into it as a grown adult age. We live and grow and build into something more over time. But we must do inner work as it goes both ways. Practice makes perfect. Mistakes are not mistakes they are life lessons to help us to understand boundaries with limitations. You must cut cords what bother you and forgive and move on in the present moment. To understand you are worthy of your happiness. You are the only one who gives yourself permission on how you live your life. Flowed with Dita von teese for the erotica Betty page for the class of art of bondage in my own way. Person is not object they are a form of art respect it.In younger time in my life when I did D/s in training with experience. Semi erotica of D/s As erotica is a art it has to be respected just as BDSM. Takes being grown Mastering one self. Having a bit of class being seductive with class little erotica don't need to still everything leave to the imagination everything else should only be for the right person. You are not everyone you are only for one. BDSM is love and trust with respect not all sex its two people that slowly build the relationship over time with passion and pain. You need consent and communication with love and affection. It has to be earned not given has to be exchange with trust and energy not handed out. Not about just one person this balance partnership your in this together. You don't say you are Dom or submissive but the mindset in the mind the testicles of the submission and Domination. Time and place for everything. Flowed with Dita von teese for the erotica Betty page for the class of art of bondage in my own way. Person is not object they are a form of art respect it.Semi erotica of D/s with erotica is a art it has to be respected just as BDSM. Takes being grown Mastering one self. Having a bit of class being seductive with class little erotica don't need to still everything leave to the imagination everything else should only be for the right person. You are not everyone you are only for one. BDSM is love and trust with respect not all sex its two people that slowly build the relationship over time with passion and pain out of love not anger. You need consent and communication with love and affection. It has to be earned not given has to be exchange with trust and energy not handed out. Not about just one person this balance partnership your in this together. You don't say you are Dom or submissive but the mindset in the mind the testicles of the submission and Domination. Time and place for everything. Some are in to soft some are in to more hard you have to find that out but this has to be done slowly and done right not just a in snap of a finger why good to test things educate yourself. Advance yourself invest and enlightenment yourself in to the lifestyle.Asking for play partner and for sex and telling the person off the bat this only going to get the person walk away. ;Be honest but a person that is not the same as you not going to fall for it. If you truly want to have Good relationship with BDSM stop playing the fool and respect yourself. Play partner does work and at the end of the day when you want something real the person that has high value you wished you could be with then change your habits and grow yourself. Grown people don't act like this, do you go to work like this? Ok then start acting like a mature person. Don't be desperate, have respect, last longer, keep things to imagination, you still be sexy keep your clothes on, be sexy, fine to be semi erotica but without showing everything. Some people do not respect people so if you show everything they will not respect they will treat you with low values. Respecting yourself as your mind, body and soul. Person should never try to change you but help you grow and mold into being yourself.Right person should love you for you not try to tell you can't have friends or you can't be independent. You are allowed to be an independent good partner and would encourage not bully you only narcissistic would tell you can't these types you want to stay away from. A Dominant should never tell you that you have to pay rent or be part of poly to be with them; they should have their life together with stability. Some people are into poly and some are not. There is a thing called one for one if you are not into poly someone can not force tell you have to be. They are just trying to for their own gain this not respectful this not more for them cheating. If it's only one for one nothing should change. If someone tries to say they are into sharing you don't need to get with them they should only want you not to be in lust and cause more like bye bye. Whole slave and submissive thing you need to have a brain you have rights your human anyone ever tells you do not have right this not the right person find to have someone lead you but you really control you self a relationship gotta be with balance.When I meant to respect yourself while still being sexy. Look this way Dita von teese first became a dancer. She kept her class, wore tassels and wore corsets and gloves and clothes that kept to the imagination people respected her for what she wanted. Just like this art you wear things with sheer show a little but don't go overboard. Lads keep your shirt on if you wanna catch the key on the right person just keep your clothes their clothes you can still be sexy in. Lasses do the same but keep it sexy with classy but little risque.Don't go by sweet words go by sweet effect the one holding the dominant role needs to show the blueprints not just say things to the submissive role person it's a two way street. It takes effect in the matter.Right person will not force a relationship or even ask for one; they will slowly do things in an interesting way. They get in your mind and soul with eyes. Person that only after sex and your body not the right person"A submissive with a dominant personality; Who seeks or is in a power exchange dynamic with a dominant man, a man who understands that being "in" submission and "being" submissive are two different things (who doesn't see either as a negative). Who knows that submitting doesn't mean that one has to leave their brain at the door. A person who believes that a woman can be strong and still be submissive." "Just strictly Submissive with dominant personalities does not mix with being a switch or being a domme for anyone does rub that way will never."Submission has to be respected, Domination has to be respected, you must respect yourself and value it well everything is agreed on.   Invest in reading erotica and D/finding your limits and not into it. If you never tried doing BDSM you need to build a friendship with someone not the one night stand or play play this has to be respected bond of companionship start meeting in public do what normal people do when they get to know someone sort of like dating. You go do things like going bowling or play putt put golf you need build a foundation of trust before entering in to the ring. First dance, sing read to each other. Communicate, Don't count on sex to be the door to intimacy. its the other way around first develop intimacy skills. Then make love to enjoy them. Then when you both have built that bond and foundation then enjoy the journey together.   Work on self seduction self care if you dress up you do it for yourself if the person wants to be part of them they should be happy they are part of but you are part of it together just as in the scene. You encourage each other and work things out.If you think about getting off and sex with vanilla sex getting off this not right and not just about sucking and fucking its about having a true understanding of balance with respect of the right time with the right person that in the same vibration in the soul and mind not about the body but the two souls combined.You have to advance yourself in the grown and Mastering self &department with inner work loving yourself to love another. Getting your life together making room for another person. Someone does not complete you  awaken to their best selves and discover a deeper connection to the world around them. Opposed to looking for the right person, you should work to make yourself the right person for you, and the right person will be drawn to you based on the work that you've done for yourself.You still need to go on with your day but still have the lifestyle in your mind as take it with you and yes it's a time and place when the time is right you open those doors.You can not force a relationship or someone to be with you there has to be connection and understanding with chemistry on the same level. Has to be affection and respect. If the person does take you own in public or does want to have affection or even put their arm around or come around only when they want you this sign they only use only in the hype of their own needs you need to walk away.  See the signs how someone treats you. Why you take it slow meet in public build over time.;Never rush in to relocating with someone you never meet this is only going to get you hurt and stuck the person can be lead to be narcissistic. You might like BDSM hold your sexual feelings for the right person just just because they are horny got you that way not meant for you be with them its gotta be more then that sex is not all BDSM. It's not all 50 shades of grey I got in the lifestyle years before 50 shades of grey was heard of. ;People used to meet people on forums and messengers and chat rooms but they grew a friendship that did not rush. You never rush into anything. When comes to training you do not have sex with the person that trains you I was being trained my trainer respected me only trained nothing sexual intercourse should cross the line to that level. Training takes place in the Teacher training the subject it has to be respected. I came from the time when bdsm was respected not about taking off your clothes and sleeping around its about having a bit of class but being yourself and enjoying the lifestyle and expressing yourself. Good to be reserved sleeping around can lead to getting STD the wrong vibe if not the right person. ;I used to go to D/s round table meetings. Some places let you talk but some places don't. Some places they also have classes for free to educate but the rest is up to you. BDSM clubs should have respect and class. You don't really have to go to one just because you're in the lifestyle everything comes from within.  You are the trainer for yourself really.•After Care - aftercare of togetherness•Sub Drop or mood changes a Sub needs afterCare Orgasm passion with pleasure then clean them after massage softly , massage , affection , Love , Cuddling , Meditate with them as a couple , Do some grounding together and hold hands , Tantra meditation , Ointment and the cream on area's need to be treated , Rubbing the body with oil , Make your sub a nice lavender sea salt bath and bathe them , Take a shower together and bathe them , Dim the lights and spoon with them , Brush the subs hair , Let the sub lay on bean bag after and change the sheets allow them to rest , Breathing methods , Tell them they are worthy give them flatter , Aromatherapy diffuser with the lights dim why they rest , Order some take out for the sub , Have a check list movies to watch after the sub has been bathed and cared for so they feel relaxed , Give them their favorite teddy or blanket to rest , Put some nice soothing music of playlist , ambient music.Dominant dropFrom a long day a dominant also needs after care , Or when needed , Lock down from a long day of during work from home.Have a glass filled with their Drink , Clean their chair ready when they come home , Record what they like to watch a head of time so is ready for them when they come home , Have remote and snacks ready , Take of their shoes and massage their feet , Give them a back massage , Invest in order a back back massager so you can be ready when he comes home , Dress up sexy for your Dom be clean for your dominant but also do it for yourself it should be a dress or in a skirt or lingerie , Wear his favorite perfume that he likes , Have dinner prepared a head of time or prepped from the next day , Invest in a chair warming pad have it warmed before they come home , Invest in a small Electric Fireplace that is by his chair so he feels at home , If he does not require to watch tv then just music on , Kneel for them bow your head down in from of them on a pillow know , Be their stool so they put their legs up , Fill their drink at all times If they need rest dim the lights and use a aromatherapy diffuser , Have the shower cleaned for them bathe them have nice clean towels for them and help dry them off , Have clear pair of clothes for them ready when they come home to change in to , Brush your Dominant hair tweeze nose hairs and ears. Put muscle cream on area if the body needs it and put lay a towel down on the bed first let it soak in , Make a lavender sea salt bath for your Dom and bathe them , Tell your Dom they are worthy and flatter them , Make things easy for your Dom they don't need to lift a finger you go fetch it for them , Your holes and add in the air the end of the air with your skirt up show them you their property , have the belt and paddle on your sub pillow or bed so when he done resting he can give the proper punishment maintenance spank knowing your place is under them. Please when they come home without any questions unbutton their pants and suck them off you should be able to for 30 mins use your tongue also do it slowly. Bring your Dom their slippers , Don't ask them about their day just say hello Sir and hello love let them cool down from a long day say can I get you anything. You should have cuffs on and ankle wrist on and Chastity belt give the Dom the key to unlock you later you know what you are for only to them you are to serve them with a tray and sit next to them and kneel at times. They can take you whenever they want out any question you should be clean all over and holes ready. If Dinner is not ready have a checklist of places for takeout, have it ordered before they home and have it warmed.  If there are children they should be in their rooms give you both time they should not be seen or heard till dinner is fully ready give the Dominant their space until after dinner. Only ask them about their day at the dinner table as the rest of the household can talk as well as you this is family time. After dinner if kids need help with homework then to be asked and family time for 30 to hour mins. That kids have set bedtime because couple time of romance time to rest.But each day sub needs self care and self love just as Dominant needs also after care what you agree on to you need with balance. You do self care together also. Go for walk together in the park , Sit outside have some tea watch nature , Watch the moon light , Go to the movies , Get a massage together , Both get your feet done , Talk about each other feelings , Find new hobbies , Find some new things to do in BDSM , Have romantic dinner planned. , meditate , Breathing methods together , Write down each other goals , Bucket list.You can make your own list with your partner what you both agree on.But this just acknowledgment of the D/s go what you feel but find your own way.

DomF​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2020

smittenvintage, I loved a post you had on forgiveness and this impassioned response Echoes the same. I'm curious about meditation. You mentioned that at the end of the post. I've been trying meditation and wonder how you compass this with BDSM. It seems like the Mind calming effects are so parallel to a scene.