Not sure how to find the dom I'm looking for

Taramafor​(sub male) • Nov 12, 2020

Red flag. You're looking for "whoever". That's settling. First you said "dom". Now you're saying "Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Whoever." You clearly don't know what you want. You have an idea, sure, but "always being told" doesn't cut it. Orders are fun, yes. But YOU tell. YOU speak up. No one's a mind reader. Even if that's "Telling to get told". If you refuse to take the initiative you become a boring roll over. Potentially one living in fear. Once the relationship is stable and consistent you can then settle into "Being told more". But it's very likely whoever you end up with will fear the worst and have doubts. SOMETIMES you come across someone that "just tells" and really hits all your buttons. But that's rare. Consider how to "make it happen." If you expect the dom to do "all the work" then that's unrealistic. That said, do focus on those that "give" more easily then others. They'll look after your wants and needs more. Baring that, talk people into it. Both happen.

You don't have to be going "Oh so serious". But if you just go "Whoever" then does that make people feel appreciated? Or understood? If this is what you're thinking then it may be how you end up treating them. As a "whoever".

Don't go in half assed. Make damn sure you're going to treat "whoever" you're with well and don't hold back with them. This will give them a reason not to hold back with you. You give to get. Provided you make sure you're clear on what you want to get. The fun interactions don't come just from being told what to do. That CAN be fun, but if it's ALL there is the dom's going to get board. Take the initiative yourself. Be engaging.


You can have both at once. Don't avoid those sex topics with whoever you end up with. That's illogical. It will just lead to neglect down the line. Some people are easier to bring this up with then others (many people can bring it up right away, provided you do. Which leads to fun interactions sooner and turns into something more. Worth pointing out). Simply put, some people doubt and assume the worst more then others. It gets... Stressful proving those fears unfounded over and over only to be doubted in the next thing. "Lots of sex without it being just about sex" can be "misinterpreted". Even people that have a lot of sex still have the affection, intimacy and do other things. But they might have a concern of "being that close". Despite the fact being that close has been fun when you do things together without worrying. Being together and engaging leads to fun. Being difficult and evasive leads to misery. It's not a problem of "lust". It's a problem of FEAR. When people are "That needy". Assuming things have to be hard, which leads to things being hard. But if those needs were being looked after the other person would be able to focus on you more (including giving you more space without worrying). Make it more about what YOU enjoy. The "fear itself" is what does you in. And them. Try not to fall into the trap of acting like you're "doomed" if that happens. It's better to face that fear. Otherwise the fear controls you.

And to give an idea of how I sometimes finds people to engage with me... F-chat can be good. Online roleplay goes a long way. I got a sub to engage with me on Second Life. Being firm with me. It's all about the "playful response". Talking about things like "Force and how to make things happen". People seem to think force implies unwilling. Just had to clear up that misunderstanding. Talked about what kind of roleplay to do a bit, shared examples, did things. One thing lead to another. Suddenly I'm being toyed with. But WORDS aren't enough at times. It's a matter of ACTION.

... Then I playfully got them to tell me to cum. Sometimes words have to be used. But mostly it's a matter of actions. How you move. What you do. Doing something to be approached. etc. I make mine VERY lustful. Considering it works logic dictates it works. Don't pick lust OR logic. It doesn't have to be a choice. Just make sure you're logical when you got your head up lust city on initial contact.

You'll find them

Links​(switch male) • Jan 4, 2021

If your personality is anything at all like your writing I am sure you will find the one eventually, however some people look for "the one" so desperately that they are willing to jump into something with almost anyone that takes an interest, I would advise you keep that in mind while you look. Make sure you have found someone you really think you could build something with. Good luck with your search and just remember that the best things in life can take time to find. Otherwise finding them wouldn't be as rewarding.

Miki​(masochist female) • Jan 4, 2021

"Lilliac" hasn't been online here for a month. Hope it went well for her but making a post like that invites every horn dog in the Cage universe, and even beyond, to blow her inbox to smithereens with offers and other shit.

For those new to this and in a similar situation, the last thing you want to do is post anything like that anywhere. Out of dozens of come-ons you might get one or two worthy responses but they all look and smell alike (baskets of roses and lilacs) You'll never know the diff.

If /when we finally get rid of this COVID bullshit, stick to "IRL" and local. Go to clubs, munches and all that crap. You'll be able to see and interact those who might be of interest...

Above all, never let them know off the bat that you're desperate/hungry. Sharks swim in local waters, too and they all have toothy smiles.

K y i v • Jan 4, 2021

This lifestyle will NOT rescue you...

It is so much more.

Liliac​(sub female) • Jan 5, 2021

Emmm...the one who posted was not me?

House Talion​(dom male) • Jan 6, 2021

Just be yourself within the lifestyle as well as other communities. Have patience knowing the right Dom will be within said social circles