Why is it so hard

MalakaiY​(dom male) • Mar 14, 2021

@SubtleHush, relax. It's just a bunch of people sharing their opinions.

You mentioned that someone used a reverse-image search to stalk you.
That's a shitty and creepy thing to do, but that could have also easily happened in real life.
The problem isn't online dating. It's that there are horrible people in this world sometimes.
We could get into a car accident any day, but we still need to drive to places. Everything's a risk.

You mentioned that no one is "entitled" to verify. Sure, no one is "entitled" to anything.
However, then you can't turn around and complain, or be surprised, when the person ghosts you.
Sorry, you can't have it both ways.
In the back of their mind, they're likely thinking "catfish", regardless of whether or not you are.

You have also mentioned to refine one's instincts to avoid being fooled.
Yeah, that's works well in real life, but not so much online, for obvious reasons.
If you haven't noticed, people tend to distrust first and then verify later for anything online.

Re: Prove-Up

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Mar 14, 2021

Having had experience with photo and video editing, you would be surprised how easy is to fake all that!


Generalizing much? What do you mean by "real" commitments" (is it like "real Dom")? Not everyone wants 24/7 TPE, some people are not even looking for a Dom/sub, just a Top/bottom. As long as they are upfront, for every level of "commitment" there exists someone out there who is compatible.

Also, undesirable people come in all walks of life, aren't you a bit harsh calling out loners, widowed people, etc.? Some of the world's greatest inventors and scientists are loners. Many of the IT people I know are loners, too, and without them you will not be here typing up all that stuff. People who are widowed usually did not have much of a say in that matter. While that does not give them their right to exploit others because they are lonely, a little kindness goes a long way.


Precisely, not everyone can afford to be as open as you are. Some work in extremely conservative/sensitive professions and/or live in certain parts of the world that being outed can have serious consequences. (Personally I have worked in countries where sex toys, even something as innocuous as a vibrator, is illegal).

I believe the timing when one asks for prove is crucial. Yes, at some point people need to be able to trust each other to share photos, identity, etc. if they are going to have some sort of relationship or become play partners. But so much of BDSM is mental. Unless I have enough exchange (be it chat, email, messaging) to know the other person and I have potential to take it further, I tend to be very protective of my identity.

CSI • Mar 14, 2021

That is definitely the thing. I have no problem with verifying. I do have a problem with being used to make someone aroused or for them to push their sexual agenda. I do not wish to be used as wank fodder or to be added to someone's spank bank, which is why I like to wait a bit to feel comfortable in order to do so.

Kelpi • Mar 14, 2021

Please understand that many want to just talk and not be seen. So many are not comfortable in their own skins to just say "here I am" and then be let down. Nany want to get to know there is something there to start with before opening up. Just my thoughts on this.

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 14, 2021

LatexHer​(dom male)
Prove-Up - I have been in the D/s Community for decades. Have come across an incredible amount of liars, fakers, scammers, posers, and wannabes.
................

I think what is ruining the community are egos run amok by people who are legends in their own minds.

The Prove-up post is an excellent example of this.

Maiesn ​(sub male)- you are young. Take the time to figure yourself out and what it is that you seek. Do this before you think arrogance and demands of proof do anything but make you look fearful, skittish, and foolish.

Nothing is foolproof. When things open up again socialize and go to larger events and take classes. You will meet an abundance of people inside and outside of the lifestyle who love themselves way too much. Avoid them. Being around for a long time does not make you good at anything but tooting your own horn.

As long as you rush and want to believe anyone who shows you attention, you will encounter users and liars. (Some of the biggest users, liars, cheaters, and scammers I've met were self-appointed Masters and others were lawyers. Shocking I know!)

Here’s a thought...

Big Tex • Mar 14, 2021

If people are secure in themselves, they won’t have a problem. And, that’s whom we ultimately seek, a secure person. Many are reluctant to share “too much, too soon.” And that’s understandable, too.

Re: Why is it so hard

emmmllliiininenine​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

There are a few reasons for this but i’d say the two most obvious are: 1) because they really do have something to hide (Fake account, have a partner, are deceitful in their profile or about what they want). Hell ive been face chatted and called immediately after giving out info(and i just accept lol) bc men just assume im not real(idk why i guess a lot of ppl make fake accounts probably). OR 2) they maybe are caught off guard or feel like there is a lack of trust in asking for “proof” and that’s slightly understandable but once you are considering them as a potential partner(or whatever) then it would be rediculous to get upset over some sort of reassurance they are not a kidnapper or psychopath. There are a lot more reasons but those seem the most likely imo.

Ninja

Lakeman​(sub male){Please} • Mar 15, 2021

This is very new to me. As an accomplished professional, ensuring discretion has to be foremost in my approach. That said, there are plenty of ways to verify that I am real. I’d much rather be cautious than unemployed.

Virginie​(sub female){lcpw} • Mar 15, 2021

you know what? ive only had a couple of people become very insistent on instant 'proof.' i just find it annoying. If you can't get to know me for a few days ( maybe weeks i'm moody) before seeing MORE pics ( bc there are a few on my profile) then I guess, bye. I don't ask bc, its not at the top of my list of what matters anyway. I also ask people, if I was a catfish why on earth would i pic myself lol? Also i have other social media accounts on other BDSM sites, and i will provide my name there ( not very diff than my name here) and I think anyone with a brain can put it together. Im sorry for the people that have been catfished but sometimes i wonder if theyre just superficial a*holes, and they met and got to know someone online and eventually saw the person and they didnt meet their lofty expectation. Well booooo for you. If what you see that I HAVE put out there isnt convincing or good enough- i dont know what to tell you.
I think people get mad bc when someone asks right off the bat it has a way of instantly shouting ' i only care about what you look like' and who wants a dickhead like that?

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 15, 2021

MalakaiY​(dom male)
@SubtleHush, relax. It's just a bunch of people sharing their opinions.

(Nothing to relax about. I just shared my opinion and it is a serious topic so I gate a young a new person a serious answer.)

You mentioned that someone used a reverse-image search to stalk you.
That's a shitty and creepy thing to do, but that could have also easily happened in real life.
The problem isn't online dating. It's that there are horrible people in this world sometimes.
We could get into a car accident any day, but we still need to drive to places. Everything's a risk.

(I have extensive experience with only and have been doing it for decades. So why on Earth do you assume that I'm against online?)

You mentioned that no one is "entitled" to verify. Sure, no one is "entitled" to anything.
However, then you can't turn around and complain, or be surprised, when the person ghosts you.
Sorry, you can't have it both ways.
In the back of their mind, they're likely thinking "catfish", regardless of whether or not you are.

(Didn't complain. Simply said that if you are demanding personal info at hello you will probably not get it. Nor are you entitled to it.
You have to invest a little for each to be comfortable. And those who refuse to invest anything without assurances are selfish and foolish.)

You have also mentioned refining one's instincts to avoid being fooled.
Yeah, that's works well in real life, but not so much online, for obvious reasons.

(No, MalakaiY it works and is necessary everywhere. )

If you haven't noticed, people tend to distrust first and then verify later for anything online.

(I've met 100's of people from online. At big and small events, munches, on dates. I have a very good grasp of what that trust and transition look like. When you can't read body language or look into someone's eyes you have to be more cautious and you better have good instincts.)

(Your words of wisdom might be easier to respect if you weren't hiding your profile. LOL So maybe you should be a little less hidden and um, relax?)

H*