What is YOUR hard limit?

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • May 11, 2021

Wait, so you DONT leg your Submissives? I thought all Dommes wore a strap-on? (Granted, I always thought "pegging" involved ginger but maybe I'm confusing terms).



As a child, I could hate the tools but I couldn't hate my mother's hand. I was ravaged with so much guilt if I so much as THOUGHT about hating her. The act, sure, but not her. It was an I ternal conflict for me and I've had to try and forgive myself for that. I was just a kid and was powerless and her hand was too intimate. It is also what hurt the most because she was spanking not only my ass (or whatever she could reach), but my soul. It was a betrayal of trust.

I find though that for ME, after my partner spanks me, the feeling his hand, caressing those wounds, soothes the heart and mind and reassociates the pain and the act NOT with "wrongness", but with desire. *I* am desired in my partner's life. I am wanted. My body is a canvas in that moment and his paint is my own blood that rushes to the surface as a result of the impact. Just as he has impact-ed (hehe) my skin, he impacts my own life and he WANTS something external to show that. "This. Is. *MY*. Creation. No one else's.."

Maybe it would help you to think of it that way? Getting in touch with THAT part of the spanking. The possession that follows the impact. The caress and feeling the heat rising up. That's YOUR heat and it's being reflected back at you from someone you love. *Shrugs* It's just something to consider.



For me, the personal degradation you spoke about "you're stupid/worthless" stuff is a no-go. I can do that well enough on my own, thank you but the sex related degrading words I don't mind as long as that one rule is in place. Also, I have to be in a more "primal" headspace. If I'm in a lovey, dovey, tantric headspace it won't work. Hanna, my middle has to be present.

But that only works for words and ONLY in private or where only I can hear it. Outside the home, I have to be respected visually. We can be unique, but we can't stand out in a negative way. (I got stared at alot as a kid for various reasons. Hmmm, I just realised that connection as I typed this out so thank YOU! Now *I* have something to think about!)

How do YOU differentiate between humiliation and degredation in conversations? Or is that one of those definitions that has to be clearly defined each time the terms are used, even face to face conversations?

MissBonnie​(dom female){oz} • May 11, 2021

I like the way you've broken it down to work for you. I might be able to look it like that. Re association might work. Tthanks for sharing what works for you. I really appreciate the effort you put in to share something so personal.
For myself I was a victim of child abuse (Mother). The act of spanking always makes me think of a small child, not consenting and being abused. (also being told I have no value *light just went off and I now see another trigger*). I see BDSM as how I have "sex and intimacy" with my Adult, consenting partner. When I have tried to bare hand spank, over the decades I've been practicing, Spanking some how morphs within me to, abuse and me seeing my partner as a child. The act then turns very sour for me and triggers me to stop, re ground and regroup and tell myself...its not way back then. Your an adult with an adult. Stop being silly. ..but give me a "tool" and I'm good to go! So far I've been lucky and my subs haven't had open hand spanking high on their wants list (but it is still on their list) Lucky also for me they favour my whips, floggers and other assorted goodies!



With my primary the lines are very clear after 25 years playing and living together and 30 ish years knowing eachother.
with my onliner of 15ish year those lines are also clear. With my previous poly partner/s it was always a re hashed subject, that was always morphing and growing as we did (until we didnt lol). Most have learnt my mannerisms and gestures over the years. They instantly know if I turn up my dimmer switch that controls my Dominance. I often think of dominance as like a dimmer switch on a light, its there all the time it just varies in "brightness and strength". Some times that brightness speaks for itself and a submissive "just knows" That "just knows" often comes into play with me and mine because we have such a long history of negotiation.

Those that I play with casually or at functions/events/parties etc it will be negotiated very carefully each and every "scene" and I do NOT use either external to that scene.
It is rare that I will use either degradation or humiliation external to the home or in front of those that are unknowing, non consenting (or not understanding of BDSM)or of our arrangements. So that does make handling the situations so what easier.

With those new or casual style partners it is CLEARLY defined each time terms are used.

[quote="SirsBabyDoll"]Wait, so you DONT leg your Submissives? I thought all Dommes wore a strap-on? (Granted, I always thought "pegging" involved ginger but maybe I'm confusing terms).

LOL ohh I do peg but shhh or they will all expect it.
Ginger is Figging for those now asking what is figging

https://collarncuffs.com/resources/doku.php?id=figging

DrWakko • May 11, 2021

There is a camp out there that doesn’t believe in hard or soft limits just limits. When a limit is broken a limit is broken. It didn’t make it worse if it’s a hard limit.

A limit is an act that you have taken off the table. Let’s use anal for example. You love anal sex and it’s on the table. Well you ate something that you disagree with so you take it off the table. If your partner has anal sex with you they now violated your limit. And it works the other way too. You are not into anal but hear stories how great it is. After awhile you put the anal sex card on the table. You now give your partner the option to engage in anal sex, but you also have the ability to take it off the table at any time.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • May 11, 2021

Bonnie,

I can see how it can be seen that way. When I first learned that some people spanked their partners, I viewed it much the same way. My thought was, "Da FUUUUCK? I'm an adult! Not some little kid that needs to be punished!" In fact, there is a forum post around here somewhere where I was discussing the differences between the word "consequences" and "punishments" where I used that same argument. In *my* mind, 'punishments' are what you give kids but 'consequences' are what you face as adults.

Let's use the term "Brat" as an example. I can't tell you how many times I've heard a variations of "you need to punish someone when they are being a brat"/"I get punished when I'm a brat". Well, no, you aren't getting punished, you are facing the consequences of your behavior choices. Just on a whim, I did a Google search about the differences between the two, a sort of self check. This is what I found:

https://www.evergreenpsychotherapycenter.com/consequences-versus-punishment/

"A consequence is the result or direct effect of an action."

"Punishment is defined by Merriam-Webster as “suffering, pain, or loss that serves as retribution.”"

For me, I've found that changing the linguistics can sometimes help alter the emotional attachments and something that was formerly seen as adverse, is now acceptable. Since we are consenting adults who have probably held discussions about accepted forms of discipline and behavior correction, if a person chooses to do a behavior that is unacceptable, then they probably weighed the pros and cons of doing the act in the first place and decided that they were willing to face the.... "consequences" of their actions. (Oops, sorry. My linguistical, nerdy love of common phrases is showing). Of course, it's a different thing entirely when that spanking is used as part of foreplay (which it is in my case. It's like a hickey made with the hand! Lol!)



That's the blessings that come with having a dynamic that has lasted that long. You intrinsically just "know". Body language, vocal inflections, and even sentance struction and word usage. It all provides clues as to the mood and headspace of the other.



See! I WAS confusing terms because of the GGING in both words: fi-GGING, pe-GGING. Thank you.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • May 11, 2021

Wakko,

I was not asking about how you define the term "limit" but what skills are off the table (to use your understanding) for you? I was specific when I asked (in the original question) "no matter which sub you are with" because I was NOT looking for the standard "my limits are whatever my sub's limits are" line. It was MY way of acknowledging that Doms are people to and people have "no-go" zones.

Now, as for the different schools of thought, for *me* I hold to this:

Soft limits are limits that can be discussed and engaging in the activity is completely dependent on the person, the level of trust and my headspace. A hard limit is just that. It is an activity that will not even be considered. Sure, we can discuss it but not in the context of using that discussion as an opportunity to try and sway me.

BikerDan​(other male) • May 11, 2021

I like being sadistic when the mood takes me there and my only HARD limits are kids and a lack of consent up front.

In the past I have found subs who wanted their limits pushed and 'broken' and was more than happy to oblige and show them more extreme use.

I have never yet had a sub leave upset at what I'd done to them.

SirsBabyDoll​(sub female){Pizza+☕} • May 11, 2021

Dan,

Thank you for replying but I'm not talking about things like "kids", I'm asking about skills.

You mentioned lack of consent. Would you care to expand on that? How deeply in depth do you go to ensure that YOUR definition of something is the same as THEIR definition of something?

BikerDan​(other male) • May 11, 2021

I'm pretty descriptive about what I want to do up front so there's no misunderstanding.
If it still agrees and give consent, then that's fine by me.
My sub is always gagged and restrained, so changing it's mind during the proceedings is not possible - I do make that clear up front too.

As for Skills, I'll happily do choking, cutting, bleeding, needles, piss, scat, chems, electro torture, impact and lots, lots more.

Aquilla{ • • •. [} • May 11, 2021

That is a question of impulse control. Some people struggle with it. If you are the sort that mouthed off to his teachers, yelled at a cop, argued with his boss, cursed at his superior officer; then you have an issue with impulse control. You follow an impulse without respecting the consequences, that makes you potentially dangerous.
Hopefully a submissive, doing anything edgy will take the time and put in the effort to know her dominant well.

BikerDan​(other male) • May 11, 2021

I’m not dangerous, i’m quite the opposite in civil life, quiet, a professional engineer, I don’t argue or shout, I like the police and I also have High Functioning Autism. I’ve never fought with anyone or been needlessly violent - EVER.
During ‘play’ my sadistic inner pig comes out, but every activity is carefully planned in detail beforehand and I actually DO do a risk assessment for ANY BDSM activity that involves ‘contact’ - even just simple bondage can go wrong.
Most of my ‘skills’ were learned over the last 30 years from experienced subs.
I never drink or take drugs if i’m doing anything extreme - that IS dangerous.

I have been popular for the things I do.