The Worst Mistake a Dominant or Submissive Can Make

KeerKeer​(switch female) • Nov 4, 2021

For a Dom: Ignoring limits, I have limits for a reason, they are not there to be pushed. Just because I submitted to someone, does not mean they control my limits.
Another one for Dom: Is trying to change a submissive's core. What I mean by that is, its normal for a Dom to mould or train a submissive to act a certain way, be a certain way, or maybe dress a certain way, to the Dom's liking... however, I don't think it's ok to actually try to change a submissive's core values, or their actual personality. Ive walked away from relationships where me being my fun, flirty, silly self, with my Dom, got me punished in a not fun way, then him angry at me because he tried to change who I was at my core, and I wouldn't change.

Submissive: Thinking they have to stay with a Dom because they submitted to them. If you are not being respected, then you should walk away. The only thing you truly own in your life, is yourself. Giving submission to a Dom, should be because you trust them. It can always be taken away because they do not truly own you, only you own you.

LongerJohnny​(dom male) • Nov 4, 2021

Yes, ignoring safewords should be obvious, and sadly it isn't. Notwithstanding that, I'd like to add a caveat:
I say that ALL parties should have safewords. Doms, subs, everyone involved in any capacity. It no longer surprises me how many people have never thought of this, but it is astounding how many among those who have actually considered it disagree! To me it seems obvious.

Mistakes that we make...
Everyone has already mentioned all the big ones like ignoring safewords and limits, honesty, communication, mutual respect. There is not much else I can add. So to put my little spin on it:

Subs - A sub should not only speak up for herself, she should stand up for herself as well. She's not the proverbial doormat, and has the right and power to withdraw consent if her Dom is a piece of shit. Don't just invoke a safeword - enforce it. Even if that means getting up and walking away.
Submission is not necessarily the same as sacrifice (unless that is the explicit nature of your dynamic, of course.)

Doms - Not only do we not know everything, but it bugs the shit out of me when I hear Doms suggest that they couldn't learn anything from a sub anyway.
Nonsense. Listening to and learning from a sub does not mean giving up Dominance. In fact, it means that the Dom is showing greater strength by making every effort to be better for himself, his sub, and their relationship.

Bunnie • Nov 4, 2021

Biggest mistake I’ve seen Dominants make:
Being afraid to own who they are.

Biggest mistake I as a submissive have made (so far):
Allowing the past to distort the present.

Biggest mistake I’ve seen many other submissives make:
Being unwilling to take responsibility for their part in the success or failure of their dynamics.

Miki​(masochist female) • Nov 4, 2021

Thinking that their arrangement will last forever and developing a sense of complacency, in so doing, causing or simply allowing the relationship and dynamic to go stale.

That's when eyes start to wander and the feet follow shortly thereafter

Cressida Clytie​(masochist female){Taken} • Nov 4, 2021

Mistakes are not exclusive to being a Dominant or being a submissive.

Typically, it boils down to very common mistakes like miscommunication, a lack of clarity with the agenda, an inability to compromise, and a sense of being "very" knowledgeable.

However, I'd like to highlight the following:

Dominant - having a scenario or play that they haven't tried or experience yet. Example: before you hit someone with a flogger or paddle, try hitting yourself first, so you have an exact idea what is the end result. You might over do it which is dangerous and you might under do it which is a turn off. submissive people can smell hesitations and it will question your confidence.


Submissive - Not being able to utilize the safewords during the scene but afterwards informing the Dominant/ Sadist that they went too far without accepting responsibility for not expressing their concern. Communication is the basic tool for a successful dynamic. We should know and take our own responsibilities.

Slpnot​(switch male){Haven't be} • Nov 4, 2021

I believe everybody is correct but the key is communications without that there's nothing

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Nov 4, 2021

Thanks for the responses on this! Very interesting to read everyone’s views.

LatexHer​(dom male) • Nov 4, 2021

Great points . As a Dom who began in his early 20s, now in my late 60s I still don't know it all! The fun of it is learning new things about life, sex, women, power exchange, and a oh so much more! I enjoy munches, sloshes but not as much as I used too as I feel they have turned into a meat market more than the exchange of ideas and fellowship. Some only attend to hook-up with new people for limited play, then POOF - Gone!

Respect, cleanliness and safety has been paramount to me from an early age. Today the modern woman is much more likely to question you about your knowledge as a Dom. I have even had Background Checks done on me by a few. Safety is extremely important to both the Dom/Dominatrix, and the sub/slave as you all know. Inexperienced people can and have hurt others - even no real harm had been done. Cheap toys and props must always be scrutinised for possible danger!
With the influx of Covid, and other not so nice STDs everyone needs to be careful of whom we meet, and play with.

I have embraced the future over the years and the freedom which this blessed country offers us all. Some of you know me already - I am LatexHer everywhere!

AOD​(dom male) • Nov 5, 2021

As a slightly jaded, and often cynical top, I would say trust is the worst mistake one can make, be it a top or bottom. After experiencing a few trust issues in my day, I can full-heartedly say I would never completely trust a bottom again. Whether it be in terms of stated experience, session tolerances, or relationship commitment. At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself above all else, so that would be where my trust lies.

Spellbound Wytch{Mr. Parker} • Nov 5, 2021

I'm an empath and very sensitive to other peoples vibrations and energy fields. If I were to feel your mistrust and cynicism that you openly admit to, I wouldn't trust YOU in return. It's hard to keep an open heart and mind in the face of prior betrayal but without those things you're unlikely to elicit the very types of responses who wish for in anyone else. Just my own observation and no offense intended.