Tips for a first meet

Onlinedomguy​(dom male) • Mar 12, 2019

As a Dom, I am sensitive to the need to provide a safe and vanilla meeting the first time. In the experiences I have had for real time meetups, I tend to not agree to meet until we have spent enough time talking and getting to know each other to feel like we are on a similar path. To me, meeting up is something I would only do when I feel like there is a connection we both share. The time from first contact to first face to face is not based on a calender for me, but really the time we both invested in texting, writing, sharing, and getting to know one another. Hopefully by the time we meet, it feels right and feels like part of our dance versus a mysterious what is he or she like kinda thing. As far as becoming physical, to me it depends on the person and the situations. We all are different and require different kinds of things to feel trust, safe, and ready for something beyond talk. I take the lead from my sub. I think the quickest it has ever been for me from first contact to play in real life, has been a couple weeks. One sub I had took 2 months. Even with online, I am never in a hurry to go from hello to on your knees. Amazing things are worth waiting for.

HuntertheYeenQueen​(dom femme){Allie Kat} • Mar 12, 2019

I'll share my experience like Alawey did, and explain where I took huge risks that I do advise against. I however was very, very confident in my decisions, because of how our relationship went before ever meeting (and obviously, it all worked out! ;P haha). But, I feel like because of my experiences I can offer some advice along the way in this story.

So, Wolfy and I met online. No intention of finding a partner where we were. We were just there for a common fandom. However we had started talking, very, very quickly became friends, started talking on Skype literally /every night/ for at /least/ an hour and... I wanna say, about 2 months after meeting? He asked me out. I said no. ^^; because I was super wary of online/long distance to begin with, and I had never dated anyone. I didnt want my first relationship being long distance. And I DO advise being wary with online things - you never know who the other person is. If you do online/LDR, do as I did and Skype/video chat. A lot. Before you even think about meeting up. It can be super revealing to who someone is, and at the very least, you know they're real, theres a voice and face to the name.

But, a month after that, I realized i really, /really/ liked him - not love yet, I hadn't made that decision, but it was close. So we started dating. And honestly before long we did admit to loving each other. Him before me, Haha, but I don't think I was too far behind.

We fooled around on Skype after a few months, and after him calming me and helping me to trust it was safe to do so with him (not only was I a nervous virgin, I feared still that he could be lying, and this could be a ruse, or he would share screenshots of our sessions on Skype). I very much suggest being careful with this. Dont share yourself with someone unless you trust them, or you dont care what could happen to possible pics of your body. If you're okay with that being shared, it's not such a big deal, though they should still have your permission to do so.

It took 6 months of talking and getting to know each other before I took the biggest risk and most dangerous one for me. After being together for 6 months, I flew across the country, by myself, to stay with him for 2 weeks. It was a huge risk. While I was SUPER confident in him, in myself, and in us, there was still a chance that this was a game. That I would be hurt or worse when I went there. However, I did not make the decision lightly. I knew that almost everything he told me checked out (nothing didn't, but I didnt necessarily dig deep to verify /everything/ he said haha), such as who his family was, where he worked, some of his friends, his after work a activities, ect. And... I trusted him. We had built a surprisingly deep level of trust for the amount of time together. Not many people believe me, but I know the truth. So I took the risk. My friends and family knew where I was going. I called people the moment I landed, and at least once a day while there. I think I skyped with my father too but... I was too focused on being with Wolfy finally to remember >.> Haha. I... don't suggest doing what I did. I took huge risks and even though i felt super confident, i could have been completely wrong. Meetups should be somewhere in-between and/or with people both know around or in close enough contact for safety. Definitely in public, and not immediately going back to someone's room (though that's what I did, as I went and stayed with him).

My friends and family were messaging me constantly to make sure I was safe, along side of the calls.

Before I left, Wolfy was advising me to wait til we could meet up somewhere safer for me. Because he didnt want me to be scared or uncomfortable. /I/ made the decision to go, because i felt safe. He never pressured or forced.

While with him, Wolfy and I took our time, with everything. When I flew in, we went to the movies, before going to his place. Nothing happened. Especially since it would be my first time /ever/ I needed to be sure it was safe. And I do suggest that. Dont meet up just for sex. Thst adds to the danger. We went to Baton Rouge and New Orleans, stayed in a gorgeous hotel for a couple of nights, went out to dinner a lot to have little date nights, met and hung out with some of his friends, and just... spent time together. We did end up sleeping together, but it was after days of being together and I finally felt it right. He /never/ pressured me, and even went as far as to offer sleeping on an air mattress while I took his bed to make sure I /never/ was uncomfortable or pressured (which i turned down - I wanted snuggles damn it haha). Even slept with clothes on which is miserable for him. He even told my father when they Skyped together before I went that he agreed it was a risk for me and that he advised to wait. But, the fact that he admitted the danger and was constantly trying to make it as safe as possible for me , is what helped me to know it was safe. I was made to feel completely safe.

Every trip after that was the same. Everything moved at my pace, I continued to tell friends and family where I went/when I landed, and all precautions were taken.

And, of course, it all paid off - we're now married, living together overseas, and at this point we have heightened our relationship and brought it into the D/s lifestyle (we were vanilla initially). My love is currently snuggled up with me, playing Smash Ultimate while I watch.

Essentially, just... Video chat (often) before ever talking about meeting up, give the relationship enough time for trust to form, meet (preferably) half way, in public, I suggest avoiding sex at first for safety, and just... try to keep an eye out for danger signs. And always know things could go wrong, so you're prepared. Better to be a little wary, than to be hurt.

ElizaEmma​(sub female){NotLooking} • Oct 19, 2020

"Everyone has such great ideas that I would have never thought of lol, but how does someone ask if ask if the other person has STDs without it being rude? Like is it ok to just say "hey do you have Aids or anything like that?" I feel if someone would ask me that I would be a bit taken aback even though I want to know. Also how does one change the subject from normal things into kink things? That's a really wide gap right"?

I can only share what I did. During the first meeting my Dom made it very clear it would be no sex. I guess it is easier being female for me to ask if he will be using protection (because I am not on birth control at that time), and one thing led to another. It could also be my background, since one of my degrees is in public health, it does not seem rude at all to discuss STD along with limits - both topics serve to protect the parties involved. Basically he agreed to use a condom every time we play, a couple months into that, after some whining from his part about not liking it, I suggested, "Why don't we both go and get a STD test so that we don't have to deal with condoms anymore"?

Also know that certain diseases such as HIV can take up to 10 to 90 days (depends on the test they run, currently there are three types) to be detected. So if a person just broke up with their partner when you meet, a negative test may not mean it is "all clear".

MatureDom • Oct 20, 2020

This is a great thread, with lots of excellent information. As a Dom, first and foremost is safety and trust. Our job is to protect our subs. If there is not trust you have nothing. I agree with many that the first meeting should be vanilla in a location where the sub feels safe. I also agree the sub should let her close circle know where she is at. I would not want it any other way.

Now with that said, there are times after talking online, skyping that you can build the sense of trust and there may be a time where that first meeting becomes more than vanilla, but everyone going in must be aware, even Doms need to let their close circle know they are meeting someone, trust and safety for all is what makes this work