Advice Needed

JustMe​(sub female){NOT lookin} • Jan 25, 2023

I thank You for that post . Cus I am “that person”. Husband of 12 years (now ex) slept in our bed with his sister and law. Got her pregnant and left to be with her whilst leaving me with his son from his first marriage. I found out on Facebook 6 months later why he left. I agree people like me will suffer a multitude of issues after something like this.

Horror Business​(dom male) • Jan 25, 2023

It's the behavior, not the people, but I've met plenty who have been in this situation. My best friend has done this to his wife multiple times. I've been the dude who people have cheated with multiple times. I certainly say it in a kinder way, but I 100% call it out and tell them my opinion if they're interested. I've had partners cheat, and I still don't exclude people who have EVER cheated as potential partner. Someone who has an cheated in multiple relationships is sus, at minimum.

I'm fine with ending this conversation, but I would be interested in what relationship situation is so inescapable that they cannot either have an honest conversation or end it. And "kids" or "abusive partner" aren't going to cut it for me.

I'mME • Jan 25, 2023

Horror Business,

Stepping out on a partner is crappy business, it makes the person being cheated on (if and when they find out) go unnecessary pain. In my book that is pretty much one of the lowest things you can do to a partner, unnecessary pain.

True there can be pain when ending something but it's nothing compared to finding out something after it has occurred not to mention physically bringing something home to someone.

It's a hard conversation for sure, but then nobody is blindsided.

I'm no prude and I'm full of flaws but to go behind a partners back is the ultimate disrespect.

Horror Business​(dom male) • Jan 25, 2023

I feel ya. I've never cheated. I don't think I'm better than anyone else, I just know that I don't want to disrespect or hurt anyone I love. Communication is key, and sometimes things need to end because they don't work.

Fuck, as I got older I started feeling shitty about how many times I've been the side piece / escape /whatever.

Defender​(dom male) • Jan 27, 2023

It is strange how many people are concentrating on the feelings of the "cheated on", rather than the feelings of the condemned "cheater".

Everyone is different.
All females are different.
All submissives are different.
All relationships are different.

No argument so far?

Here's my experience.

Some submissives are in unpleasant marriages (includes "relationships").
Some have a stone cold husband.
Some have a husband no longer interested in a physical relationship.
Some may have a husband who has already cheated.
Some may have had experiences that we are in no position to know about.

But yes, they have dependant children.
So she should walk out, split the family, hurt the children?

So she talks to her husband about her needs. Not only does he not understand, but he flies off the handle.
Rages.
Despises her.
How does she know he will not tell their friends, their wider family - or employer?
Most subs know their husband better than we do.
So if she is terrified of speaking to him about her needs because she knows exactly how he will react, what does she do next?
Perhaps some of those who have rushed into the pulpit to preach, could tell her.....

I have met subs who are OK with "cheating", for numerous reasons.

However, I have also met subs who are going through agony.
Self torture.
Self recrimination.
Overwhelming guilt at even considering this option.

And you know what?
She is doing it entirely alone!
Yes, on her own.
No-one to speak to.
Can't go to anyone, her family, her friends - or anyone else about this crippling "need".

So she comes on here.

And gets guilt-stormed.

Brilliant!


And no, I haven't finished:

So how about the thousands of attached male submissives who keep hundreds of Pro-Dommes in business?

Have they all had heart-to-heart chats with their wives beforehand?
Have they bent over backwards to try to convince her to change?
Should FinDommes issue a questionnaire to all prospective clients, to ensure that this is the case?

Or is there one rule for males - and a different rule for females?

Just asking.......

Horror Business​(dom male) • Jan 27, 2023

Cheating is dishonest, often abusive, behavior. That doesn't make the cheated-on flawless. If we're talking about cheating, then the only person it matters to talk about is the cheater. And while their feelings are often very understandable, it doesn't excuse the behavior.

No argument

Get couples counseling and/or leave.

Yes. Raising children in a toxic environment harms them far more than "splitting the family". Kids 100% pick up on that shit no matter how well you think you're hiding it.

Golly, that really sounds like a lot of reasons to leave a toxic relationship!

Therapy exists. People on here who support them while advising against cheating exist. I think you're really reading into shaming the person vs condemning the behavior.


Rules are the same for males/nb/everyone. Don't know why you'd think differently. I know that none of this is directed to me, specifically, but the first person I mentioned my irl example of was my friend cheating on his wife. It's shitty and toxic as fuck.

If both people are cheating, you've got a de-facto open relationship you've just been too immature to discuss/articulate/agree to.

Barring some extraordinary circumstances, there's no good reason to choose cheating over opening up the relationship or ending it.
If the relationship is abusive, I'd hardly have any sympathy for the cheated-on, but the cheater would still be better off to get the hell out.

ButterfliesAndCuffs​(sub female) • Jan 27, 2023

The moving of the goalposts is kind of amusing. Nowhere in this post did the OP say she was being abused by her partner in any way. Yet it was still suggested that a possible answer to her problem would be to cheat on him.

Defender​(dom male) • Jan 28, 2023

Correct.
However, other submissives who might be in a completely different type of relationship may come on here. No?

And I make no excuses for moving the goalposts by introducing the feelings of the submissive - in whatever situation she finds herself - into this discussion.
As I do not believe it should be "all about him".

However, re-reading the last few lines of the OP, it is clear she is "going crazy with frustration".
And the assumption is that if she just talks to him about it, or makes him go to counselling - all will end up well.
And if it doesn't end up well, the suggestion is what?
That she just walks away....

And have you considered this:
What if ya'll's suggestions end up hurting him more than mine?
What if it puts him under huge pressure to perform?
Perform acts that he is just not comfortable with?
What if he just cannot meet his wife's desires?
What if it makes him feel inadequate.
What if it makes him feel a "failure"?
And it makes him angry and resentful?
And the relationship breaks down for this reason?

So - what if her finding a Dom is actually a solution - and he feels relief that the pressure is off him. He keeps his loving partner and his marriage intact?
What if he doesn't even want to be told?
He's just happy that his wife is now a happy wife?

Perhaps the "Don't cheat" advice is not so watertight, after all?

Make no mistake, I am not "advocating" infidelity.
But the narrow-mindedness of some of the answers on here, I find disturbing.

That's all.

I'mME • Jan 28, 2023

Defender
You need to stop. You also need to own that you OPENLY ADVOCATED A SOLUTION THAT IS COUNTER TO WHAT A BASE TENANT OF kink, BDSM, D/s, M/s is founded on.

Nobody is being high and mighty here but YOU.
When a platform member suggest cheating as a solution then don't be surprised when people give their personal opinion on what they would or would not do.

You sure are taking this on personally..

As a matter of fact it's very circumspect for you to suggest a sub chest, be dishonest , lie, deceitful, etc.

Because in many of your posts, you blame the sub, and /or hint that no quality subs exist ... . It's clear to me that someone either cheated on you or you just have an issue with women. Or a mix.


Nobody is holding themselves up as anything but you with go cheat.

The OP was asking advice on how she may change her man's mind. Sounds like she likes him and is just bored with sex.

Awfully funny how this person has not been back into this thread. Things that make me go hmmmmm.

Sasa​(dom female) • Jan 28, 2023

Do you love your partner? Have you ever been honest with yourself instead of wanting what you may read in steamy novels? Have you ever been honest about your phantasies or asked him if he might have some? What you can do to make his own come true, instead of getting what you want? Ever had a tour through a club, they have that for newbies, not something virtual here? There might be a lot you can explore about yourself.. Happy growing 😉