Are you submissive or are you just lazy

Another question to add to the forum post: According to more experienced BDSM people, if submission can be anything like you say, then how does submission exist at all?
If this makes no sense, what I mean is how can someone be something if there are no defining qualities for it? It just becomes a meaningless word that anyone can use as a title. If anything can count as submission, then what's BDSM for? There would be no difference between "vanilla" and BDSM because someone who is "vanilla" could simply just be expressing submission in their own little way.

That’s a great and thought-provoking question, and it touches on an important conversation happening in many BDSM spaces. Submission absolutely exists—but it’s not defined by one rigid set of behaviors or acts. Instead, it’s defined by intent, context, and consent. Submission in BDSM isn’t meaningless because it lacks a strict checklist—instead, it’s meaningful because it’s intentionally chosen and negotiated between people who understand the power dynamics involved.

The difference between someone “vanilla” and someone in a D/s (Dominance/submission) dynamic isn’t necessarily what they do, but why and how they do it. For example, a vanilla couple might naturally fall into roles where one partner takes the lead more often, but they haven’t negotiated those roles, set boundaries, or explored the exchange of power in an intentional way. In contrast, a submissive in a BDSM dynamic might do something as simple as making coffee—but they’re doing it as an act of service, following agreed-upon rules, and receiving fulfillment from that exchange of control. It’s the dynamic and purpose behind the action that defines submission—not the action itself.

Submission can be soft, loud, domestic, sexual, ritualistic, bratting, service-oriented, or still. What links all these expressions together is the surrender of a particular kind of power, consciously and consensually given. That doesn’t mean anything counts as submission—it means submission is as diverse as the people practicing it. If someone claims submission without understanding or engaging with the core elements of D/s—such as negotiation, consent, and power exchange—then yes, that may be a shallow use of the word. But if those elements are present, even in a quiet or non-traditional form, that’s still valid.

So submission doesn’t disappear just because it’s broad. Like art, its range of expression is what makes it powerful.

Beautiful response, @Sweetlydepraved. And I agree, great question, @Jazlyn.

Not really. Submission is anything *you* say it is because it is personal to you. Others don't have to be compatible with your personal outlook on submission, and that's okay, it just means that sub needs to find a different Dom/me that is and that Dom/me needs to find a different sub that fits their ideals for submission better

What you can do though is leave other people to discover for themselves what they want in the lifestyle and who will accept that kind of sub

Feel like this topic is just passing judgment onto others for something we don't understand. It feels judgmental to say "you don't fit into what I consider submissive". It to me sound condescending and ignorant to bdsm as a whole. What you originally described as submissive for the "service" is called a servic sub. It has its own title. This life style isn't cookie cutter and the judgment doesn't help

I just looked at your profile. Saying that people that don't fit your description of bdsm or submission aren't submissive is like me telling you that because you into this lifestyle and enjoy the masochistic lifestyle doesn't make you a Christian.
Most Christians would look at this lifestyle and pass judgement and call it sinning.
At the end of the day it's not my place to tell you where you fit into within Christianity and it's not your place to pass judgment just because others don't fall into what you view submission as.

Hold on tight, kids. To me, I find the OP's original question compelling towards discussion and I appreciate it. Although offering her views on the act, I think she was simply trying to learn through discussion. I also concur with her additional comment in the quote below:



I see the OP as simply asking a question within the parameters of her own perspective and her opinion and seeking other views. I hope I'm saying that correctly.

In response to the original question, as so eloquently described by SweetlyDepraved above, some individuals' kinks are the thrill of simply being a fuck toy (pardon my words). Like a life-size sex doll that can be bent into any position and used in any fashion possible. Even degrading or humiliating. It's a kink, but it's not the totality of who they are. I know of several submissives who have a penchant for it, although that is definitely not what defines them. It's a thrill. It's the same as some individuals who desire to be a pet or furry, or a slave. I even saw one submissive who desired to be a vase, and posted a lovely photo of herself on all fours, bent over and long stem flowers arranged delightfully in her . . . watering hole. But in my limited experience, that is never the total sum of what they offer - it's simply one aspect of their desires.

Many submissives may post that about themselves. It's a way of letting others know what they are into and what they wish to offer. But I'd position that is just one of their kinks and one of their characteristics.



Excellent question: We are all on a spectrum in this lifestyle and that spectrum definitely depends upon where you stand in the minute. To the left of the middle we consider those to be submissive and to the right are Dominant for lack of a better visual. Some individuals only submit in one aspect of their life (giving up minimum control) yet they are still submissive. It's a starting point for description. Others want to submit totally, in all things. They are so far from the middle they may consider themselves mentally a slave. Just like on the Dominant side, some wish to be in total control of the situation at all times, while others have limited controls in place for their dynamic. But the defining quality is much like SweetlyDeprived alluded to: what is the foundation for their desires?

Words have meaning. Not anything constitutes submission. Some individuals are simply bottoms during sex play. During the rest of their lives they maintain autonomy and control of themselves. Just like some individuals are simply Tops. They may attempt to describe themselves as "Dominant" or "submissive" and they would be using the wrong term, but it's close enough and no want really cares enough to quibble or correct them. So it may be that some of the submissive types you've noticed are not really submissive but prefer receiving and just want to be an inanimate object - they wish to be objectified. Which is fine and probably their kink. But are they necessarily submissive? It all depends upon what else makes them up and what you don't notice about them.

As to BDSM - the term itself has changed over the years to include more. It's meant to be somewhat all encompassing for the lifestyles. I've often said Vanilla is also on the spectrum of the lifestyle. Some Vanilla marriages have better dynamics and better power exchange than many "kinky" D/s arrangements. Probably in their power exchange they don't focus on the sex or the kinky shenanigans and simply organically come to the power exchange in natural terms.

For anyone who "feels" like I am passing judgement onto others who use the title of being submissive yet do no submissive actions, there's no need to feel anything anymore, because I 100% am being judgmental. As someone stated above, because I am Christian, anyone can judge me for what I do and not call me a true Christian based on the bible, and they are completely allowed to do so. This circles back to submission, it has a literal definition that we can pull up. I can observe that a "sub" is asking to be boned while doing nothing to submit to another person in any way. That is not submission, that's just a lazy way of asking for sex while not putting in the effort of being submissive.

It kind of reminds me of when people trick you into thinking you're doing something because you want it but in reality you're doing exactly what they want you to while getting nothing in return. And don't get me started on the people who ask to stay in someone's house rent free because they are a sub yet do nothing to submit, ha! I should've made the title "Are you submissive or do you just want everything done for you"

Oh at this point I don’t THINK you’re judgemental, I BELIEVE you’re just being rude for the sake of feeling empowered.

You can act like you’re just forging a creative discussion here, when in reality your belief misaligns with someone else’s belief and you feel the need to explain why yours is correct.

Again, I’m left wondering what the point was in this entire post? Was it to vent? It certainly was not to learn.

I can enjoy hearing other people's perspectives without agreeing with them and changing my mind. The point was to see how other people view subs who just sit there and do nothing, and to in return, show people who click on my post how I feel. I read every single person's response and I'm glad they took me seriously. I've garnered a lot of knowledge on how some other people in BDSM think even if I don't agree.

And by the way, a belief is an opinion which means it cannot be correct or wrong, I am only expressing my belief and explaining why I feel that way just like you explained why you feel the way you feel, not trying to prove I am right because that defeats the purpose of an opinion versus a fact. My opinion is that submission has a definition and some people don't match up with the definition, and those people who use it despite not matching up are misleading and annoying.

If you're feeling offended or triggered by my responses/posts, you can feel free to block me.