Subs Pursuing Doms

CSI • Feb 23, 2021

I don't chase after someone who does not wish to be chased. However, I have been told that many dominants will not approach a submissive unless they are sure they are interested, that they don't want to come across as pushy, and they don't want to get lumped in with "those other" dominants. So it really feels like a high school dance with dominants on one side and submissives on the other, with those already settled into dynamics already on the dance floor. There really doesn't seem to be a great answer, especially on-line. People aren't usually waving "I am available" or "I am taken" banners.

poppyclaire​(sub female) • Feb 24, 2021

I can see that happening especially online. I've have found something that works for me luckily. I'm friendly enough so approach folks I find interesting, though it's not with any sexual intent. I definitely won't be the sexual aggressor to start. I'll get vocal and open once I'm comfy but I'm never the one to lead that.

Subs

SinMaster • Mar 2, 2021

I like the thought of a submissive women saying something to me.
Now I say something to someone and I get upset when they never answer back with a simple not interested or something.

Re: Subs

dollMaker​(dom male) • Mar 2, 2021

Because you message does not entitle you to any response. Why get upset, nothing to get upset about. To be honest with you getting upset because someone chose not to reply, well thats not good.

I have no idea what you say in your messages, but maybe have a look and think about how you might respond to a similar message, from a random person, on a website. Would you chose not to respond? Might you be offended, or disgusted? Triggered by the words? Might the words demand something that that person has not consented to?

Yes this is a kink site, but that does not mean we should not treat people as we would hope and expect to be treated, with respect and in a manner that is kind, and not demanding something we have no entitlement to till it is negotiated and discussed and consent given, and not just any consent but enthusiastic consent. After all people are not kink vending machines.

My advice, talk to people like people.

twotonnat​(dom male) • Mar 7, 2021

I feel the same way. Some times I feel like some sort a creep. It would be really nice if a sub took the initiative at least in part.

Miki​(masochist female) • Mar 7, 2021

twotonnat:

I know it's easy for me to say, but you need never feel like a "creep" for initiating at least a conversation. Keep it light and innocuous and if there is interest (intelligent converse usually generates interest on at least a high level) ... But as I was saying, if there is interest, the other half of the conversation will telegraph something to that effect. If they look away and/or seem to be "busy" then the answer usually is "No Dice, Bryce".

Even in today's hyper-sensitive social environment it ought never be "wrong" to at least greet someone and start a conversation.

Of course that's just me.

Out in the street or in stores and shit, I'll talk to anyone and (these days especially) I quickly "telegraph" through facial expressions or squinting my eyes more than they already are, that while I like to talk (some of you guys better phrase it as "Shoot the shit")-- Anyway while I'm OK with that, I make it clear, politely, that I'm not doing the "hot sheets" thing at the moment.

Sometimes they exit stage left, other times they keep the genial conversation going until it's time to go.

Don't know if that was any help at all, but it's my weekly 2 cents

I'm in here less than usual right now. Nothing wrong, just yammering away on a website just doesn't glaze my donuts right now.

Peace!!

MisterWolf​(dom male) • Mar 7, 2021

Hi,

I have no issues at all with a submissive woman making the first contact and would happily welcome it. After that initial connection, it is up to both to see if it works. Age, likes, limits, experiences, expectations, wants, needs, looks and personality then play into it going forward.

The first contact is just that and more important is the next 5 or 10 touch points and so forth.

So feel free to reach out....no issues with it from me.....but what happens after that is a two way street

Hope this helps xx

SubtleHush​(sub female) • Mar 14, 2021

Iowa Dom - nice post. I too have a good number of 10 - 20 year friendships that started online but they all went to real-time and they exceed the lifestyle in many ways.
...
Summer Bi “ It’s always ultimately the submissive’s choice in who they serve”

Summer, what you say above may well be the crux of the issue. In my world, it is ultimately up to both people to choose who they get involved with. Before service, Ds, Ms, or whatever you call it as power exchange, we have to know each other as people. No matter how hard you hide it, we are all now and always people first. I want a relationship with the whole person. If that is good the Ds will be good too.

When you see people encapsulate their dynamic apart from the real people they are and the real lives they live, that is when you see things end quickly when one gets sick. Decides to move, or just change their mind.

Ultimately we both choose who we will invest in and in what proportions. If that investment is common ground for us, we might have a chance. The differing answers here seem more about the kink and the sexual rush. Not the million small droplets of glue that hold us together no matter what.

Soup at 3 a.m. when she's sick.
Emotional support and a hug when he's frustrated.
Or struggling with family.
Or health issues.
Or just a bad day.

I've read and heard in many discussions and meetings that a Dom was sick and the sub will ask, "Is he still my dom?"

I had a friend who released his slave when she got breast cancer. His reason? "Well, she has too much to focus on now than serving me." and she did. Damn shame he was so selfish in his needs that he didn't care about supporting her.

There are many such experiences going on out there that make the "who approaches?" question valid but not the entire story.

May who approaches and why is more to the point.

Veejay​(dom male){BaeBGirl} • May 2, 2021

Something I can speak to IRL and online—people are much more apt to be interested in you romantically if you just treat them like friends. Go about your business, be considerate of people, and they’ll come to you. (Ironically, especially if you’re completely unavailable. I think it’s the total lack of “I want something from you.”)

Original Dom

TalentedOptimist​(dom male){open} • May 22, 2021

Glad to see everyone having a good time with this. The convo has bumped into a lot of things I did not expect.

Feel free to scroll to the original post and hit me up.

Hope everyone finds who they are looking for. God Bless.