Who’s here seeking dom/sub relations (online) that they’re hiding/can’t have at home?

Who’s here seeking dom/sub relations (online) that they’re h

Canadian​(dom male) • Dec 13, 2018

Sorry for the long post/question! Wrote more than I intended for a simple question haha

I get asked this a lot myself online and for me and I'm only assuming others it's a similar answer.

For me I've had a past IRL relationship which really open my eyes to the dom/sub world though at the time we were not on sites like this or communities that really explained to us what we really had. We never had labels as dom/sub, just that I was in control and she was to do what ever I wanted.

We had an amazing relationship for seven months before she had to move away and to this day it's something I was never able to find again.

We had complete trust and respect for one another. Behind closed doors she was my submissive but to the public she was my princess and equal that I would do anything for.

Forward to today and well, I'm not even close to this. My relationship with my wife is great but from a kink/bdsm perspective it's non existent. She knows I had a more xrated type relationship in the past but not the full details of what we had done and tried. I've tried to bring up aspects of what I'd like to try (starting small of course) but it's either laughed off or I'm looked at as if I have two heads and crazy. I try to be open but with just a tip of the iceberg being turned away and made fun of I don't dare bring up my true wants, kinks and fetishes that I've had and want.

So for me I'm online to be open about my wants and make a connection with someone who wants to submit to a dom (online), build trust and respect and generally looking for the same in return all while keeping respect of each others personal busy lives though I think for me being a very open and adventurous person my kinks/fetishes are above many and scare people away though I'd rather do that so we're not wasting one anothers time

Anyways, though more detailed of a question than I intended, I guess the simple question is who's here looking to find what they cannot find or have at home?

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Dec 13, 2018

I'm not, being single and poly. I get that the circumstances are difficult and try not to judge.

Having said that, so much of this lifestyle hinges on open and honest. I can't help but think that having deception hang over all that is detrimental to things.

I think that many want to have their cake and eat it too there. At a certain point, one has to face the fact that when personal growth and being true to yourself conflict with an existing relationship, one or the other may suffer, perhaps fatally.

Having said that, that's not an easy choice nor one that gets made or solved overnight. Children, jobs, the mental health and well-being of the existing partner, family...these are all strong mitigating factors.

All I can say is that open and honest with all really is the way through... but the how, where, and when of it is hard and takes time.

SnappyJ​(sub female){Collared} • Dec 13, 2018

I met my husband online a million years ago (at the dawn of Internet dating), so to us, there's not much distinction between "cheating" in person and "cheating" online.
I am, however, in a somewhat similar boat so I feel your frustration.
Keep the dialog open with your wife - hopefully she'll meet you part way!

sweet november​(sub female) • Dec 13, 2018

Seriously,
unless one wants to ask every individual why, what, how, etc....
People have no idea what goes on in the home.

But judging can be easier. Way easier....


I feel that everyone deserves some sort of happiness. After everything else has been tried, weighing the options out, really thinking about the consequences, if any, as some SO's don't care about this part of the relationship.
Etc etc etc.

Communication to all parties is good, sometimes one party ...just doesn't want to listen.

So, it's the way it goes sometimes.


c'est la vie

Allie Kat​(sub trans woman){DarkFox} • Dec 13, 2018

My problem with cheating, is that it's not consentual. There is a victim... did you ever try talking to your wife about this? Did it even occur to you? Also, what kind of people do you think you will attract with a statement like this? To do what you are asking, someone has to be so self-centered, that they don't care how they hurt the people around them, as long as they can get a temporary high... you think those are the kind of people who are going to fill your void? What happens when the roof collapses? Will they be the ones to stand by you through it all? Since this is posted publically, i feel i have a right to state my opinion. My opinion is that you should talk to your wife... stop cheating, find the best way and time to confess, accept all consiquences, and start changing your life... poly is fine, open is fine... cheating is not victimless... in my opinion, not fine...

Canadian​(dom male) • Dec 13, 2018

Thank you for your thought and yes this is where I have approached her a number of times. She has no interest what so ever and wants nothing to do with this side.

It’s either I’m chatting with someone locally in person that can actually lead to something (which I will not do) or having communications with someone online. You can look at it whichever way you wish, I don’t take any offense as this is your opinion and I’mencourage that.

JaimeJade​(sub female){BaronJ} • Dec 13, 2018

Like we spoke about on messaging... you need to decide what will make you happy... cheating is probably not the answer and it’ll probably eat away at you forever because you can’t take it back. However, this desire won’t leave you. It’ll consume you. It’ll put you in a dark lonely place. And I’m talking from experience. I nearly cheated with a Dom but decided against it and then came clean to my hubs who is now on board with being my Master but he also has a kink side to him which has now been brought to the surface, however I am extremely lucky because as he is a novice (though slipped into the role easily and brilliantly) he is willing to let me submit to a more experienced RL Dom.

Everyone is different though and no one will be able to give you the answer, only you know deep down what is best for you and your happiness, no one has the right to decide that for you. However, if cheating is where you are just remember once it’s done you can’t take it back. And I thank fuck everyday that I didn’t go down that route. We were on the verge of break up cos I realised I would rather break his heart by splitting up than break his heart by cheating.

Bunnie • Dec 13, 2018

Hi @ Canadian, I’m sorry to hear that you’re in this situation, and that you feel this way. I would also say that to your wife. I can only imagine how she must be feeling... and often wonder if the SO’s of people here, are off looking for fulfilment elsewhere as well... actually... in the essence of transparency... I always hope they are. Now that would be ironic lol. Because I hope that you do at least recognise that... if your needs aren’t being met... neither are hers. If you’re unhappy... so is she. A relationship takes all involved to put in effort for it to work. What makes you think that you could do this any better, if you’re unwilling to put in the effort necessary to make your primary one work? Truth, honesty, openness, communication, trust, honour, integrity, the ability to stay and work through things when they get hard... because... you think vanilla is hard? You ain’t seen nothin lol. The foundation of this lifestyle, as I see it, is built on everything you’re betraying. Harsh I know... but the truth as I see it.
On a final note... I don’t see it as honourable to stay in a situation you’re not happy in. It’s just another lie to say that it’s for the sake of the other person. They get hurt either way... why not at least give them the chance to find happiness too? It’s just selfish in my opinion.

I apologise for such a harsh response, however, in all honesty, this does touch a nerve for me, and I find it mildly offensive. It really cheapens something that some of us tend to take quite seriously. It’s not just a “bit on the side” for many of us. It’s how we live our relationships. And our relationships aren’t shady things that should be considered necessary to hide from vanilla-land, that you dip your toe into once in a while when you feel the urge for some kink. They’re more honest than anything I’ve ever known. It saddens me to think that you may never get to learn/experience that.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Dec 13, 2018

I feel for you.

So I'm going to say something here that's going to not make me very popular.


I think you need to cheat.


I think you need to find out who you are


The reason that I say this is-- I equate coming out into BDSM as the same thing as coming out as gay


You need to know if what you are lacking is a deep and visceral need for you. And if so that might give you the strength to move forward.


Over the years I have met countless people that are in marriages and are so completely unfulfilled.

Nobody wants to be the person that you HAVE to come home to.


You've already tried having this conversation. Now it's time for you to find out about you.


I am not advocating sex without protection, I am not advocating Reckless Behavior, I am simply advocating you finding out about you



There is this current BDSM icon in our Nation. He tells a story of waiting for his wife and the kids to go to bed. At that point he would sneak downstairs into the basement, tie up his balls in rope. And masturbate to gay porn. He is out now both as gay and as leather.


Sometimes who we are has to take precedence over who we are with.


For those that say that cheating will cause her undue pain.
My answer is- she already is. Because she has no idea who her partner is and who he wants to be.



I am not discounting her pain.
I am saying that finding the self is painful on all sides.

Fudbar​(dom male){❤️❤️❤️} • Dec 13, 2018

You make some good points, MB. A few might have missed it, but I hinted at it in my original reply;

"At a certain point, one has to face the fact that when personal growth and being true to yourself conflict with an existing relationship, one or the other may suffer, perhaps fatally. "

Everyone needs to make that choice; what you said was a very strong case for choosing "personal growth and being true to yourself.."

You're 110% right if that growth takes you to a point where you're slowly killing who you really are to stay in a bad union. The happiness and peace that comes from feeling free is often needed to make hard choices about the existing union.

I'm advocating for the truth to come out there, but as others have pointed out, it takes two sides, one to speak it and the other to hear. Even if they listen, the risks are real and many.

Be yourself, folks. It sometimes takes you to hard places. That's what spaces like The Cage are for; support in those tough times.

As awful as that drek was, the title is a decent metaphor; it's not black and white and really is 50 shades of grey at times.