Protection

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female) • Apr 12, 2020

@SR13... I understand that your point is to be helpful to the new folks but question whether telling them that it's such a good thing to be taken under protection...

A few questions about that specifically...first, if a person is new what kind of background would they really have in deciding who would be a safe and sane protector, who wouldn't be grooming them or guiding them in a nefarious direction. Maybe, just maybe, we could assume that they'd filter out any of the egregious ON YOUR KNEES types but what about the smooth talkers?

Second, based on the amount of rather explosive feedback we've seen recently from PO'd Dominants and their submissives who've been unpleasantly contacted, how exactly would having {Protected} behind the subbie's name stop the assholes from hassling her? The only people that pay attention to bracketed Protection or Collar Statements are the good guys. The losers don't care what's there. What's the 'Protector' going to do, message that bad guy and tell him off or maybe take to the Blogs and give him what for? Spoiler...it's not like 99.9% of those types give a flying fuck.

Finally, while I believe it is coming from a good place from you I don't think that conflating Protection with Training and Mentoring is a good thought at all. What that looks like, too often sadly, is Protecting means shutting out all of the other voices of reason, then Training (grooming) the subbie into what that particular Dominant wants them to be, and Mentoring them into believing that all those other Dom/mes are bad, I'm the only one with your best interest in mind.

I do agree with your other points and appreciate that you are speaking out to help the new.

- Henna

girliegirl4U​(sub female) • Apr 13, 2020

I don’t quite understand how writing you’re under a Doms protection does anything but knowing your kink community is another issue. When I went to my first munch I was meeting a Dom there, we had messaged each other but I had an odd feeling about him, so I suggested meeting at the munch. Sure enough he turned out to be a real creep and scary, fortunately I had met a few people well known in the community, we had gone out to eat with afterwards, I was invited to a party by them. At this party the creepy Dom, started texting me, crazy and scary things. The Doms there said he was well known in the community but no one knew him well, once seeing the texts I was told not to worry, that they would speak to him and/or others he associated with, it was handled and I was protected. That’s what is important in the beginning about knowing your community.

Heart of Persephone​(sub female) • Apr 13, 2020

@SR13 I agree. I came here not know how to navigate this way of life. Luckily I found a Dom that became my protector/guardian. Before speaking with him I was bombarded with so many messages with what I will call “insta doms”. Ordering me to be how they wanted me to be.

Once I went under his protection that crap stopped. If someone wanted to chat with me, they first had to speak with him. I don’t know all that was said in their conversations but it worked.

I was able to navigate and learn who I was. My protector is probably one of my closest friends. He’s part of my family now. He wants what’s best for me and will step up and say something if need be. We’ve been out to dinner on several occasions when he passes through this area. He will always be apart of my life.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 13, 2020

No one else will be able to protect you from anything you are unwilling to protect yourself from. They can support you but they can't make choices for you. Handing that responsibility over to a "protector" who can't always be there is setting yourself and them up for disappointment .
You are your first, best and (in reality) only line of defense.

sallysub​(sub female) • Apr 14, 2020

I’m also very new this is my 3rd Day and I have already experienced how well you can protect yourself by trusting your own instincts and with a little help from some new friends
Day 1 I tentatively signed up with no profile details and had a look around .. I was contacted by a man who seemed initially perfect .. intelligent respectful and considerate so I agreed to catch up with him on Day 2
Day 2 - I have been contacted by some lovely sub ladies welcoming me to the site and offering help or advice if needed but the essential message here was research and lots of it plus trust your own gut instinct.
When chatting I mentioned the guy who had already stated messaging me and was told to just be careful .. no drama no nasty comments just tread cautiously was the message ..
Following this I was contacted by a lady who had been completely lied to and destroyed by this man . She had posted an online warning to new submissives and there were many of us he was targeting . I was very lucky and politely told him I was not interested as he’d already told me so many lies which when confronted with the truth of his personal life he didn’t defend himself he told me that it was sad I’d listen to others and stop our relationship going forward as he knew I was right fir him and he was so disappointed- a line he’s used with many which I already luckily knew
So use the online resources you have and never underestimate the friendship that other subs are willing to offer you - take your time there’s no rush .,
I’m coming out of a 26 year marriage and I absolutely will wait for my perfect one that’s the only way this journey works for me and don’t be afraid to say no
My parting words to the guy I was chatting to was “ you’ve just been cockblocked by the sub club love “ on my best Eliza Doolittle accent !!
Much love Sally

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 14, 2020

I suggest you contact site admin with all this evidence, and all those this person has hurt do so as well, and let the site admin remove them. There should be no place for people such as this.

Game, set, and match.

rottenbrat​(sub female){Skyrich} • Apr 14, 2020

"My parting words to the guy I was chatting to was “ you’ve just been cockblocked by the sub club love “ on my best Eliza Doolittle accent !!
Much love Sally [/quote]

LMAO Oh good lord, I love this!
The Sub Club strikes again! I don't even know you and I am ridiculously proud of you already.
"You will go far here young padawan"

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female) • Apr 14, 2020

@dollMaker, I hope you know I respect the hell out of the way that you try to take care and strengthen the community even though I occasionally disagree with your input...

That said...being a cad isn't against the rules. Nor should it be. This world, and I mean both online and in the real, has a large component of fantasy to it. At a minimum people tend to present either their best self, or sometimes flat out the character they'd like to be. (Same happens in nilla dating world too).

It sucks, absolutely, for the poor new subbie who feels victimized because someone told them everything they wanted to hear. Not remotely blaming the victim in these new person gets wool pulled over their eyes by smooth talkin' shark, but do we do that in everyday life usually? Some man knocks on your door, you sit on the porch for a few hours together laughing and talking and getting to know one another and when he gets up to leave he pulls out a ring and says 'let's go to Vegas'? I mean, I guess it has happened, just like we have a very few couples here that knew immediately, but for the most part no, you might schedule another date, but you wouldn't automatically invest your whole self and the rest of your romantic life in one, or even a few, simple convos.

I, like most of us that have been following this, have a pretty good idea of who the perp might be. The public identifications done just skirted an important rule that we have in place here, the one to not identify others without their permission. I ran afoul of the rule myself, in my perceived need to 'warn' people or 'protect' people (that neither worked nor was needed, tbh), I nearly was banned from my community. Talk about cutting off one's nose to spite one's face.

Sally called it I think...use the sub network, talk among other's subs, ask if anyone knows the prospective and get recommendations. If one person has had a bad experience maybe not put too much credence into the statement but if a bunch have had the same experience might want to rethink continuing to converse.

Last thing, this isn't a predator Dom/me apologist statement, but many of us have had the unfortunate luck (and made the poor decisions) that put is in the path of genuinely violent, dangerous abusers who groomed victims under the guise of D/s. A selfish dude who talks all the pretty words and tells lies, uses the pretty girls to get his rocks off, then breaks hearts is sad, but I'd rather a newbie get exposed to the not so cool part of our Lifestyle that way, vice the person that legitimately wants to destroy and ruin.

- Henna

dollMaker​(dom male) • Apr 14, 2020

I don't know who this person is, latest in a long line of idiots, asshats and abusers perhaps, as I know nothing I have no opinion except let the site admin decide. Those who know, have evidence regarding this person, let them present it to those that run the site. They may take awhile some times to remove people, but often they do, though in a few cases those banned do return under new guises, but usually they give themselves away pretty quickly to once again be banned.

'A selfish dude who talks all the pretty words and tells lies, uses the pretty girls to get his rocks off, then breaks hearts' I consider emotional abuse to be just as bad, and damaging as other types, so what you outline above is not on either, just as much as those who do physical harm. There should be no hierarchy of abuse, abuse is abuse and way too many seek to minimise by creating a hierarchy. This cuts close to me, because many on here, fellow subs, did that to Savida, they minimised what was done to her, dismissed it because it was emotional abuse and not physical abuse. I can say though, having observed the after effects that emotional abuse is just as bad in its own way, those wounds took an age to heal.

So if there is someone, anyone on here hurting subs, in any way, they should be reported to site admin and removed from here, its that simple. Boot them off the site.

SchrodingersDinosaur​(switch female) • Apr 14, 2020

dM, I'm not minimizing what was done to Savida, and I do think emotional abuse can be horribly damaging. But if we go about removing any and all who 'hurt subs' how long will it be before there are no Dominants left? I personally have 'hurt subs' because I wasn't willing to get emotionally invested in a relationship while they did. How long before I get my walking papers? I've tried to be open and honest about it, but based on some of the responses I've received pretty sure they didn't really want to internalize the fact I didn't want something they did.

I'm sure there wouldn't be anyone who would have an axe to grind and much as has been discussed in regards to a good guy/ bad guy list I think there's a hell of a good chance that it devolves into a 'he said, she said, I'm telling the admins what a bad person you are' thing.

I don't see any gain in all of us running to Vill and Monkey with any interaction that we don't like. They have a hard enough time keeping up with the people that are running afoul of the rules as they are. I'm all for the subs sticking up for each other and trading info informally, I don't agree with putting out to new folks especially, well if you don't like how someone behaved just go tell on them to admin.