Approaching the subject

Approaching the subject

River​(sub female){NO} • Jul 16, 2019

Hello I have never been in a Dom/sub relationship, I am looking for an all consuming real life relationship. Could any one give advice on how to approach the subject with a potential partner.. the past relationships I have been in I have brought it up and neither wanted anything to do with it. Is it just the type of person or what? Any advice is greatfully received. What to look for, how to bring it up or just what to look out for in a dominant male. Thankyou

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Jul 16, 2019

I would say to read blogs and other forum posting there are many that deal with these questions. But most of all know yourself first. Your wants and needs . what you want in the relationship and what u want out of it . build a friendship first, remembering people before kink.

Here is the link to my blog . there is a good many of posting about types of relationships, vetting a dom, things for when u done have one, ect.

https://thecage.co/blog/userblog.php?blog_id=3305


Please be safe in you journeys

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jul 16, 2019

@River​(sub female){NO}

Hello and welcome! You mentioned that you had brought up the lifestyle in previous relationships and your partners wanted nothing to do with it. To be honest, trying to convince someone who had no previous interest in the lifestyle, to develop interest or to even "convert" them to a D or an s, is extremely difficult. In my opinion if a person doesn't have the innate desire, they would simply be playing a role. Now this may be enough to satisfy your desire, but only you can answer that question.

As far as what to look for in a potential partner, well the answer to that question lies within you. What are your wants/needs/desires? Ideally you would want a partner that matches that as closely as possible. I would recommend that you undertake the journey to self-awareness, prior to trying to find a potential partner. However, there is NO right way to become involved in this lifestyle. Many have just jumped in with both feet, but only you can decide what is right for you.

I would absolutely recommend that you take some time and get to know the basics. If you are already beyond that stage (I wasn't entirely clear what level of knowledge you already have), then perhaps just interacting with some of the lovely submissives that hang out here, can assist you on your journey. Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best and again I welcome you!

Justme26 • Jul 16, 2019

I would think that finding a vanilla person and then trying to "turn" them is a recopy for failier and frustration. Maybe have a look around on here. There are loads of dating (pick up) sites that specialise in BDSM (and many of those that don't have a BDSM community in them). Most of them are not free. Try munches, classes, events. I can not believe I am recommending it but Fetlife is a good place to look.

I notice that your profile says (NO). I know that you will get a some A holes messaging you but you might get the right person as well.

alawey​(sub female){(OWNED BY } • Jul 16, 2019

Alsou might want to actually fill out you profile with things such as what you might think u would like , along with vanilla interests. Because there is way more than just sex and whips and such in this lifestyle. Along with any limits you may know of all ready and include that limits may change or grow as time goes on. And if you feel that you only want online or real life / time, that might help also

Re: Approaching the subject

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jul 16, 2019

Miss @River

The way I have always approached this is just to get it out in the open quite early on, that way nobody can be accused of being lead on and the amount of emotional investment is less should the potential partner get spooked. So for example, on the second or third date I would just come out and say. 'Look, MJ, there's something I wanted to let you know about me - in case you wanted to take things further. I identify as sexually Dominant (or submissive in your case) - its a pretty important thing for me and I'm really open to talking about it. I find it a fascinating subject...'. That way you get it out in the open in a non-sexual matter-of-fact way and you've identified that its one of your passions. Your date partner is either going to be interested in you enough to ask about it (which is a good sign) or will blank it and pretend it wasn't said (I think you can scratch them as a partner if they won't acknowledge a large part of your life).

As has been suggested the chances of converting someone vanilla into your dream Dom are pretty slim. It is not impossible that your date might be harbouring some kink tendencies themselves...

Of course if you date kinksters from the scene then you will not have such a problem. They will be switched on to such subtleties and talking about kink / D/s will be a large part of the date (which is my experience ).

Bunnie • Jul 16, 2019

@ River,

I agree with everything that has been said, so won’t go over that.

Something I wanted to add is that I often wondered if it was possible to tell whether or not someone was dominant through certain characteristics displayed. I have swayed between yes and no. Now I stand pretty firmly in the yes circle.

Let me clarify that the only reason I can say this is because as has been suggested above... I have spent a lot of time exploring myself and learning what characteristics *I* consider to be important for *me*, and the behaviours and characteristics that I admire and respect in those I consider to be dominant.

The first and most important determining factor for me now, is whether or not someone is capable of communication. That... is what decides if I continue to get to know someone or not. And I don’t mean their ability to talk or use pretty words... I mean their ability to communicate to me their desires, wants and needs.

This has become a bit of a way for me to recognise when someone is still very much standing with their feet planted in vanilla-land or not, because let’s face it... vanilla’s can’t communicate. We’re simply not taught to and it’s not encouraged. It’s “sexier” to be aloof and play your cards close to your chest *insert eye roll*

Allow me to explain...
I see this journey as a bridge. We begin (many of us... of course, not all) from vanilla-land to bdsm-land by stepping onto this bridge. “Walking” (doing the work) across the bridge is how I see our journey from vanilla-land to bdsm-land. A process. Not only of becoming more ourselves, but re-learning many of the ways in which we interact with others.

After a while there kind of begins to be some telltale signs as to where someone is at on the bridge. Communication capabilities is a big telltale for me.

Anyway, I apologise, this could just be weird morning pre-coffee ramblings, I’m not sure. However, hopefully if it does make any sense, it helps in some way

And keep in mind, this is only my way of looking at things. Some may agree and no doubt many will disagree... just some thoughts.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jul 16, 2019

@Bunnie

Not weird at all Bunnie, in fact I rather like the way you framed it! Thank you for your contribution. In my opinion, the time you have put into "exploring yourself" has paid off rather handsomely and it shows when you contribute to these forums. I appreciate your input, as you always bring it with thoughtfulness and compassion!

SW

River​(sub female){NO} • Jul 16, 2019

I agree all your reply’s have been great and very insightful and I really appreciate you all taking the time to get back to me. I feel I will talk to the r/l guy ASAP and gage a reaction :/ he does have certain traits of being dominate but not possessive which I really enjoy in a relationship but as has been mentioned if we can’t even talk or discuss different ideas then it probably won’t fulfil me any way. Thanks again everyone, wish me luck

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jul 17, 2019

Approach someone already in the lifestyle.
That way the ground work is already laid.

For your growth try and figure out what "all consuming" means to you.