Advice

Advice

Patiently waiting​(sub female){WolfeHamme} • Jul 30, 2019

My Dom is married and I'm feeling conflicted. We work together so perfectly and we're both learning this lifestyle together. I am just in need of some support.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jul 30, 2019

Hello and welcome !

If you D type is married you need to decide if
1) polyamory is for you
2) if not being a primary is a long term attainable experience
3) if you can remain stable and balanced as things are


You came into this knowing he was married.
Now its time to do self work.

I.e. work on the self outside of the relationship to decide what you can reasonably do.

Its going to feel "perfect".

The real question is can you look past how it feels to figure out what you can reasonably do-- long term?

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Jul 30, 2019

@Patiently waiting(sub female)

Since you were not specific, might I ask what sort of support are you seeking? Also, your post begets another question, are you aware whether or not your Dominant's spouse is aware of you, formally or informally and if aware, is the spouse accepting of your relationship?

As you may be aware, it is not at all unusual for those of us in the lifestyle to be involved with married partners. I am of the opinion that as long as everyone involved (to include any spouses) are aware and accepting, that it CAN BE a healthy relationship. However, "cheating" in my opinion can not be healthy and a relationship based on that dynamic is difficult at best. But, please understand that I am not rendering judgement, as that is not my place nor intention. I am simply expressing my viewpoint.

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Jul 30, 2019

I will write on this later as my situation is very similar

Patiently waiting​(sub female){WolfeHamme} • Jul 30, 2019

His wife is unaware. We have been together for over a year, and he has taught me so much. I care for him greatly. And, I am well aware that he is not leaving. I cannot imagine not having him. We separated for a brief time, and I tried vanilla again, but couldn't do it. I keep going back to him because its comfortable.

CrimsonPaw • Jul 30, 2019

What exactly are you feeling conflicted about? That'll help with the type of support you are seeking.

Debz​(sub female){Barnaby} • Jul 30, 2019

Have you considered what you wanted when you looked for a dom. Married or not, can the dom you chose fulfil what you need. Also i think you hinted that you would want him to leave his wife. My question has he made it clear from the beginning that he wouldn't.

You need to decide if he can provide for your needs while he is married.

Could I ask is distance a factor in how often you see each other such as is most of it online or all in person

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Jul 30, 2019

I will try to keep my response as tactful as possible but my feelings in regards to this are strong.

There is a lot of grey area it seems when it comes to BDSM relationships; polyamory, gender fluidity, sexual orientation, illegal forms of play, etc. I’m 100% a part of the group that says “if it makes you happy and it feels right for you, then go for it.” But one thing I never ever waiver on is the necessity for consent and that there is no grey area in this. Consent means that ALL PARTIES are consenting. And in your situation, his wife is not consenting.

The relationship you have is cheating. I understand that emotions and things are involved and it doesn’t feel black and white so my heart truly goes out to you. But all in all, if you’re feeling conflicted, you should. His wife is the innocent in this (the victim), not you.

I’m sorry if that seems crass, but I prefer blunt and direct responses when I’m asking for help/advice from others so I’m giving you that same respect.

Patiently waiting​(sub female){WolfeHamme} • Jul 30, 2019

I wasn't asking as a victim, and I know it's wrong, that's why I'm not at ease with this. I'm wanting more from him than he's willing to offer, but for now, it's what I have. I'm afraid to start over. We've put so much time and effort into this. And I have no idea how to go about finding someone else I actually trust. I don't even know where to begin.
And he's over an hour away. We meet a few times a month. I want more, but our schedules don't work.
I'm new to this, like I said, so I don't know all the 'rules'.

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Jul 30, 2019

I understand your conflict, I really do. My advice is to dig deep and find your inner strength to be brave. Say goodbye and start over. Do the hard thing, the thing that’s scary but that you know is best for you.

There are Doms out there looking for subs. There are Doms right here on The Cage looking for subs. Explore, make contentions, go to local BDSM community events. There is someone out there who can give you all of the things you’re currently lacking. You deserve to be someone’s number one.