In your opinion..how fast is too fast??

In your opinion..how fast is too fast??

InYourHead​(dom male) • Aug 25, 2019

I have been in the lifestyle for a very long time. One thing I believe is that these relationships should not and can not be rushed. I know of a young sub..joined a different site maybe 2 days ago..shes new and looking for a Master. Now..today..2 days later..she is owned???

Now i, for one, believe that she is setting herself up for heartache or injury. 2 days is simply not enough time to develop the trust and love that it takes for this...i might begin exclusive talks with a particular girl within a few days....but ownership?

I know that every dynamic and relationship is different..but in your opinion...how fast is too fast?

DrWakko • Aug 25, 2019

To each their own. There are some people who are so into being in a relationship they will get in one as soon as they can. It might last a week it might last a decade. Others like to take their time and feel it out. Once they get in a relationship it might last a week or it might last a decade.

Personally I like to let things happen naturally so sometimes it’s quick sometimes it’s slow.

RavenN • Aug 26, 2019

Thank you for posting this question.
There are many factors to be considered.
For myself as a newbie last summer, I jumped into three simultaneous online D/s relationships almost from day one.
I was sub crazy and and thought I knew more than I actually did.
Long story short, it’s taken me almost a year to heal and learn from my mistakes.
In retrospect, I wish one of the three Doms I was with would have been genuinely interested in guiding me and taking it slower.

InYourHead​(dom male) • Aug 26, 2019

Sub Lime...
That was my point behind the question. Jump in tol quickly..and chances are you get hurt. Not enough doms are willing to take it slow. And even less offer to tell subs to take it slow..

Bunnie • Aug 26, 2019

@ InYourHead,

“in your opinion...how fast is too fast?”

In my opinion, too fast is if anyone feels like they’re being “pushed,” rather than things flowing comfortably.

I find for myself that if I begin to feel unsafe, it’s too fast. That could even be with someone I’ve known a long time. It could be a situation of them introducing me to something new, or if we’re moving past a trigger etc.

For myself personally, everything revolves around trust. I trust slowly so for me it’s a slow process. Others trust faster... that’s awesome... I’m envious

As for the terminology and collars, I think things like being “owned” or “collared” perhaps can be distorted between the views of what it means to those who’ve been at this lifestyle longer or who practice it offline, as opposed to those who are newer or practice solely online, so I don’t tend to pay much attention to those things... unless it’s someone I know well.

No Body​(dom male) • Aug 26, 2019

I have a little story about to fast. I was talking to a sub that was not far from me once. She was sweet and kinky but had been hurt several times. I aked her to meet in in public at a mall and just chat after knowing each other 2 weeks. She was ok with it at first then as the day grew closer she started to back out. The night before she stopped talking to me. 3 months later I am with a new sub in Dallas at a meet and greet. I saw her for the first time and she was with her Dom . They had been together since 4 days after she stopped talking to me. My sub came back to where we were sitting and asked what her problem was. She asked all about me and how we met and if she thought she was right for me. I had to keep her close just to keep her away from that woman. Never saw her again after that night but I did hear she finally settled down with one Dom.
Way to many times I have seen subs jump into something the did not know was wrong till to late.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Aug 26, 2019

If you find that you have been fantasising about something for years, then finally you pluck up the courage to go looking for your first partner, then its more than likely that the excitement will overtake you. I have seen it time and time again with newbie subs, and experienced it myself as a new Dom. Remember these new people are coming, as I was, from a situation of extreme scarcity, finally, fucking finally, finding someone they make some sort of a connection with. The natural reaction is to jump in with both feet and let go of the hand-rail.

Those of us that have been here for some time can all recognise that this is not the best strategy for smoothly developing and is inherently risky. All we can do is advise the newbies: slow the fuck down, get a support network in place first, be social, and approach your first relationship with caution. We do our best, they do what they want! I think its the way it is and we can't do much about it.

Myself, I tend to work on a 2 weeks type of timescale of getting to know someone: letting them know I am interested. Sometime I use the phrase 'under consideration' to confer some sort of security. However, I am not immune to those anxious feelings of 'they might loose interest if I don't arrange something soon'. When I am a Dominant looking for a partner I am acutely aware that potential partners are being snatched up by less scrupulous transient Doms and I recognise it takes moral courage to stick to your guns and keep things slow.

I am reminded though that a decent man, a decent Dom, has integrity. Integrity is what you do when no-one else is looking. Lets face it, no-one else is looking when you have those early conversations here online. If integrity means taking a risk that a promising candidate may opt for the exciting extreme D/s now rather than the slow developing beautiful and rewarding D/s relationship later ... well then so be it.

Slow down brothers and sisters, Carraway

MasterBear​(other butch) • Aug 26, 2019

If its to fast for you. Its to fast.

I was married to my first wife for 5 years. I left her and have only been out of that relationship for two months before I met My beloved.

It was fast. But it was right.

She was in poly relationship and had another primary partner. It was my first experience was poly. It was my first experience with BDSM. And it was all very very fast.

GvS​(other male) • Aug 26, 2019

Plenty of predators (of all genders,roles, etc.) always on the prowl for some fresh meat. "Sub frenzy" is certainly a thing, and somthing a decent and honorable Dom wouldn't take advantage off. The advice to "trust your gut" is something too many hear, but don't listen to until it's too late.

Soulweaver​(dom male) • Aug 27, 2019

Is it too fast when a submissive joins The Cage and three days later is "under consideration?" I would say unabashedly yes! There is no way either party could have adequately vetted each other enough to know they are a good fit, let alone enough to know that one or both are not psycho, IN MY OPINION.

However, to each their own. While this sort of speed doesn't work for me or mine, it MAY work for others. I do not place artificial time limits on the process, as I prefer to guage comfort levels for both, before deciding that more is in order. But, I can assure you that in NO circumstance would 3 days be sufficient for me.