Just cureas.

Ok, just curios. You meat a new sub, you live rather far apart, so you will only really be having a long distance relationship. They are very inexperienced. What is the very first task that you set them?

Subs, and doms who have never done this long distance, welcome to comment if you want.

Always start simple. Something they can do. For instance, positions are usually primary training. However, even before that protocol is the start. Yes Sir, No Sir. Yes Madam No Madam. Outside of game have them open doors for ladies and gentleman. They will either get bored and move on, or they will work at it and report. If they can't follow these simple things they won't do anything difficult. Always start small.

First. They are vetted.
Extensively.
Then when they get bored they stop talking.
So, first real request isnt neccessary.

If they make it through vetting.

Then I work off of their list of what they want to accomplish with a personal twist.

Hi @ Justme26,

One of the first things I was given in the beginning was encouragement to meditate.
Then came the suggestion to write a journal.
We then began discussing anything that came up during meditation... and I began sharing my journal.

This was the building of the foundation of our communication and trust.

Just met some one giving tasks. No. Get to know them as a person, after a few weeks of talking, consistent talking, then think about finding out what makes them tick, limits etc, but tasks out of the gate, not in my opinion something to do. People before kink, kink should come later, not first.

In saying that once in awhile someone comes along and switches are flicked big time, energy flying and kink might happen, but for long term success get to know them as soon as possible and just talking reveals issues pretty quickly, the thirst reduces and off they go, or ghost, those who want a kink dispenser first and that's all you are, usually lack the patience for a long game.

Up to you though what you do and how you do, so just a suggestion, but a sub demanding kink early on, pushing for it, even pushing for a dynamic these days for me is a turn off. I prefer to put in place a nice foundation upon which to build.

Thats amazing. I'v got it a bit wrong, but if I could ask.

What does voted mean?

What kind of meditation?

How do you explain to someone, who thought they were just going to get layed, why they are doing meditation and writing a blog?

As always all advice gratefully received.

Hey @Justme,
I'll take a shot at an answer for you, @MasterBear and @dollMaker please pitch in if you can help my prattle be a little clearer! Or anyone who can be polite and helpful to the OP...

Vetting is finding out if a person is who they say they are. In the real Lifestyle people usually have some sort of network, a playgroup, munchmates, maybe a local dungeon, or an organization like MB's Obsidian. When you are considering a new partner in the real you usually ask around. Who had played with this person, anyone had experience with them, are they cool? Then you just talk with the prospective partner, ask questions, discuss, get to know them and make sure all their answers jive. It's not an interrogation as much as kind of like a job interview. Is this person as 'qualified' as they say the are, do they have references. What MB was saying was that if they are just playing some fantasy game they usually won't stick around too long through the vetting process. And if they are fakes you frequently can figure that out with vetting.

As to meditation, that's a very personal decision and not necessarily something you should read a paragraph and then task someone with.

Speaking of, Dear, not trying to be rude at all, but it sounds as if you aren't really understanding the why behind what we do. You aren't going to be explaining to someone who just wanted to get laid they are going to be doing meditation and writing a blog.

There are different ways to 'play this game' (not dismissing the seriousness of what we do, just shooting for general understanding...). I'd caught in a few of your earlier communications that requesting tasks or giving assignments is something you try to do in new dynamics. No offense, dM but there are actually subbies that want that. They need a service Top and frankly Jm seems to be one to me.

A service Top can either just provide the physical Domination or can help a subbie to improve their life in some way. That's the key, Justme, as a Dom you do get to set the course, as it were, but the subbie chooses what direction they want to go first. You have to talk to them to see what they are looking for out of the relationship. If submissive is in need of help with their life you can task them with things that will help them be successful. Journaling, blogging, meditation, working out, pretty much any self improvement area they need. But if they are just looking for pickup play, our version of what you termed 'just want to get laid'. You can just play with them. Have them do fun play based tasks and games without obligation to do any longterm serious life changing stuff.

This went wayyy too long (as to be expected from the Henna!). I hope it answered some of your questions and if you are still interested in hearing about what some of those fun play tasks, just holler, I'll answer here if you would like. (Although prolly with too many words...sorry, it's how I roll)

- Henna

Thanks Hanna, thats great, (not at all, its a great length) although I still do not entirely understand, but I am starting to get it. I have just had another sub claim a family tragedy as reason for leaving (I know have two family tragedy / emergency and one personal health scare, and several just ghosted me) so I am ready to listen to any and all advice.

Sure there are but not, if I am reading the op right, from the get go. Setting tasks and such like are in my view one way of helping the sub, bottom to grown and understand themself, but to do that you need to know them, not something even the most experienced dom, top can do with out finding out about the sub, bottom etc first.

Some tasks can be about both parties getting their rocks off, but again doing this effectively and in a fun and safe way requires some personal knowledge, maybe not as much as in the first instant but still I feel needs some.

So it was in that light, not a more established dynamic I was referring to. I certainly would not be giving tasks without some personal knowledge and that only cones about after communication has occurred . If a sub, bottom demanded tasks or requested them in the first few messages I would decline and say what I have said above, I need to get to know you first before I can do that.

Had a few demand to know what process occurs in dollification, as its personal to each person I cant give a cookie cutter one way answer, I need to get to know them first and see what sort of doll they might be, even if they have that energy, which some dont.

Anyway as always others mileage varies and the above is how I see it, not a one way, do it my way message.

I think you need to spend some time reading the dominants guide website, the submissives guide website ( great info for understanding the sub, bottom side) and submissives guide YouTube Channel and the rather excellent Loving BDSM website and You Tube channel. These will help you alot I feel to help improve your knowledge and aid your understanding and growth. My suggestion comes from reading your posts.