Marriage and Ds

Marriage and Ds

LDawn​(sub female) • Jan 17, 2020

I’m needing advice and I’m not sure where to turn. My husband and I started a Ds relationship several years ago. We were having some issues and I came across something’s and shared it with him and we both agreed it would be good for us, and it was. I think to some extent I’ve know for a long time that’s what I needed. Then he stopped and now says he still enjoys being a Dom but he’s not and I don’t know what to do. I try to just be submissive to him hoping he’ll just start back but I feel like I’m submitting to someone who doesn’t want it so I think what’s the point. I need this type of relationship and structure but now he won’t put for the effort. We’ve been married for too long to throw it away but I’m not happy, I’m not sure how to be happy without this part in our lives now and he won’t listen to me. I’ve tried to look up counselors, I need someone to talk to and he won’t respond to anything I say in regards to this. Is there such things as counseling for this and where could I find one?

sir james ladies​(sub female){oh yes ple} • Jan 17, 2020

Dr.C Shawn oak Lexington Kentucky.

Daddy Time​(dom male) • Jan 17, 2020

Some ppl get involved in a Ds relationship and then realize that its way too much work or at least that it was more than they expected and that changes their mind I hope it works out for you

Lossofalme • Jan 17, 2020

Welcome! It sounds like you're facing a lot, and a therapist's office might be a GREAT place for you and your partner to have a conversation about all this.

The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom does have a database of kink and poly aware professionals (doctors, therapists, etc) online here: https://www.kapprofessionals.org/ but it's small so if you can connect with your local community (here on the Cage, through FetLife, at a munch) there may be someone there who will have some btdt advice about local service providers who might be kink aware. Or at least, open minded.

Also, I know therapy can be expensive, so while you work towards that, you might want to check out groups like subMrs/husDom (https://submrs.com/ it's a set of two linked blogs/forums/chat rooms intended for married couples who are also D/s partners). While it may not be a perfect fit, you and your partner might benefit from chatting with other married couples who have found a way to blend their marriage with their play preferences. I sometimes think that new Doms have an even bigger hurdle than new subs because so much of what a Dom is and does can be...counter to what they may have been taught is okay? Your husband may have decided this "isn't for him" but he may also have gotten overwhelmed or scared, and talking with other husband-Doms might help him figure out what he really feels.

Other than that, perhaps watching a vlog, reading a blog, or listening to a podcast together (Loving BDSM https://lovingbdsm.kaylalords.com/ or American Sex http://sunnymegatron.com/american-sex-podcast-launched/ perhaps since both of those are hosted by married couples) might be a way to start conversations about what you both want and need, or even just what you might be curious about trying? It can sometimes be easier to share a piece of media and say "hey, what do you think about that thing they just said?" since that kind of takes the focus off YOU and puts it on the talking head in the video.

No matter what, I hope you find a way to move forward together... learning to communicate openly and honestly will be a wonderful tool in your relationship, regardless of where your journey takes you!

Erick​(sub male) • Jan 17, 2020

In this day and age, ANY licensed counselor should be able to referee your S&M love-life with your spouse with understanding and fairness. There are plenty of counselors in "progressive" places like San Francisco who especially emphasize that part of their practice. But I'd imagine that even in Peoria or Pocatello, you'll find a counselor who will listen to both sides and offer clarity and good sense. Which is all that's really needed.

I wish my wife and I had gone to counseling when we were having troubles similar to what you describe. Once we got hitched, my dearest was not nearly as interested in being my Cruel Mommy as she had been when we were engaged.

So we decided I should go to professional doms when the Missus didn't want to be bothered dealing with me.

Which was an EXCELLENT solution to our problem. The only trouble was that I was so arrogant that I didn't think the arrangement was good enough for me. I wanted my darling to always be personally involved in my sexual desire as much as I was. "My wife doesn't understand me." A common lament in the vanilla as well as kinky world.

So after putting up with me for more years than she probably should have, she eventually got tired of my whining and left me for a more respectful and appreciative submissive. (At least, I think he's her sub, although they don't tell me about their private life.) And I wound up being very unhappy, because my wife really was, and is, a first-rate prize in every way.

I believe this story has two morals:

1) If you desire and value and need your partner more than they desire and value and need you, don't ever get high and mighty with them. In fact, don't even tell them they're wrong. YOU be the one who is wrong. And

2) If you're s sub, don't tell your dom how to dominate you. They REALLY don't like that.

I should have known these elementary truths all by myself. But if a counselor had told me "You don't realize how lucky you are to have this lady as your wife. Do what she tells you to," it might have saved our marriage.

Island girl​(sub female){Yes owned.} • Jan 17, 2020

I've been there. In fact, that's what ended my first marriage. My ex enjoyed topping me throughout our dating and courtship, and when we got into marriage, I think it was too much work for him, or, something. I wanted a much deeper D/s relationship and he didn't want one at all. We talked, and talked, at least I did, trying to get some clarity on what was happening. We had a major death in the family which made it even more difficult. I couldn't get him to see a therapist with me.

In the end, I left. He is now happily married with 2 children, and I've been with my Master for 16 years now, so things worked out in the perfect way for us.

LDawn​(sub female) • Jan 17, 2020

Thanks everyone I will look into the resources you’ve all recommended. Unfortunately locally we live in a very religious based small community and there’s no way I could see someone here being receptive of our life style choices. I could easily see it being addressed more so of something is wrong with me for wanting this type of relationship. But some of the places are within a few hours drive which is very doable and gives me a place to start.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 19, 2020

Hello!

How are you open to being polyamorous? Would he be okay if you took on other play Partners as long as that is negotiated ? you are running into an age-old problem. That's a person that you were when you got married you no longer are. So you have to decide what's more important. Your own growth and desires. Or your marriage. Your husband has been very upfront from what I can tell in your writing. Pressing him to do more would be unfair to him. Which means you've got some hard decisions to make.


Many times in situations like this there is no middle ground. As you continue to grow one way and he continues to grow another the relationship comes to its own conclusion.

Hopefully your husband will be open to a polyamorous situation. But honestly speaking there comes a point where you simply have to make the choice.

Leartes​(sub male) • Jan 22, 2020

There is so much that hits home here for me that I really don’t know what to say or add to the conversation other than I feel the same about my desires not being met.

I do believe I am in almost the same situation as you. I have been married to my wife 5 years and we have 2 children. I love her but we really aren’t romantically/sexually involved anymore. It really started right after we got married. We both had saved sex for after marriage for non religious reasons of our own I’m sure that has partially led to our predicament now. I always new I was attracted to bdsm but never tried to reached out for it thinking that married life would meet my sexual needs/wants (my mind goes back and forth in which one it is) even if it didn’t involve bdsm. That being said though since my married life is lacking a sexual aspect at all that I continuously crave I have slowly over the years wanted more to do with bdsm. Which has just in the last month moved me to reach out to online communities and gain some kind of sexual connection through the internet.

I am also from a very religious area and though I’m sure there are prob others I know who are likewise hiding these types of desires non of us would take the step out to say something for fear of the judgement and possible loss of relationships.

Your not alone in more ways than one.

LDawn​(sub female) • Jan 22, 2020

@Leartes thank you It’s nice to know I’m not because sometimes it feels that way. It’s not even something I can discuss with friends because the few I’d even tell about my lifestyle choice wouldn’t understand. I do not think I can message you, I tried but it would be nice to have someone who understands.