concerning boundaries, Dom to Dom

concerning boundaries, Dom to Dom

Dunimos​(dom male) • Jan 31, 2020

Greetings all.
I chose to post here because I figured this might be where most Dominant 's are hanging out. Maybe true, maybe not, I dont know but here it goes anyway.

I am a Dom. A patriarchal type, father figure., daddy Dom some calling nowadays. I care very much about those close to me. I provide, guide, lead and resolve issues or conflicts... often. These I do in my personal life as well as in my professional life. Those of you who are like me may sense where this is going already... I suspect it happens alot.

How have you managed to keep your boundaries in check? Ensuring that you do not overreach or take on more than you really should. Meaning, what methods have you employed to keep yourself from getting too deep into you target submissives chaos in your attempts to unravel it.

This is not a subject I often see on forums like this and I think it's worth discussing. As a Dom who sincerely desires to "fix" things... and is so damn good at it... what have you done to self care? Let's face it... resolving and shouldering and carrying everything is taxing. Often, the current submissive is not at a point where they provide the peace or rest you need.... I'm interested in what others do in those times.
I'm certain I'm not the only one who has felt the weight and has had these thought.

Thank you in advance.

Also, I welcome all comments, not singling out Doms only.
Thanks again.

NCarraway​(dom male) • Jan 31, 2020

This is such a great question, thank you for posting.

I have some quick thoughts (before work) and will come back if more occurs to me. I struggle with the same issues and it is a constant battle to stay on the right side of the line. I did, however, come to this world in part because I had no boundaries, and I was seeking a way to live with clarity in relationships.

First of all, recognise that you cannot fix everything and you cannot fix everyone, however well intentioned. Even if you could, would that be a good idea? When someone fixes themselves it is far more durable. I think all we can do as Doms is give a safe space to someone who is a little lost; hold them in check and keep them accountable; insist that if they want more involvement in our lives then they need to commit to working on things/getting professional help. BDSM is not something that will necessarily 'fix' anyone. It is a fantastic way to think and live and love but to get the best of it you need to have a balanced perception of the world, as I am sure you know. Having the mindset of someone who can be fixed by another does not lead to that balance.

Second, you do have to put yourself first, as harsh as that seems. That doesn't mean being an arse. That just means if you know this person is not ready for a relationship then be open about that. You can still provide some emotional support if appropriate but I would be vary wary of entering a relationship where I know someone needs a great deal of help to get stable (its all relative). You cannot being any joy and support into anyone's life if you get sucked down a hole by over committing to someone you are trying to 'fix'. Unless you are a psychologist/therapist then you are not qualified and shouldn't be doing anything other than supporting. Try to get out of the 'i need to fix it' mindset.

I do struggle myself with many of these issues, the problem never really is solved but requires constant awareness.

Carraway

Dunimos​(dom male) • Jan 31, 2020

Very good points, thank you for that reply. I completely agree with both and constantly work at keeping myself in balance. Overcomitting is a struggle and it can lead to frustration.

Keeping boundaries is tough and sometimes I see myself intentionally loosening up because I see the potential rewards. Still... not always a good idea.

FunCouple{.-Couple-.} • Jan 31, 2020

Our caring side will always do battle with our sadistic side.
The little red devil and white angle characters that appear on our shoulders.

If you see a sand storm coming:
1) You change your path of travel and run like Hell (or encourage your camel to).
2) If you can not get out of the way, you use your past experiences to survive and/or burrow down into shelter.
3) You face the sand storm full on and suffer an extreme exfoliation experience.
4) Keep a sense of humour.
5) If you have limited survival experiences, you prey you have an internet connection and quickly Google “What would Bear Grills do”.


Not sure if this helps, but it was enjoyable trying to think of analogies. (I’ll let people do their own translations for what I’ve put).

FC

Dunimos​(dom male) • Jan 31, 2020

Haha... great survival tips!
While funny they actually do have very good advice.

Solace​(dom male) • Jan 31, 2020

Education mostly. Each problem fixed comes with a lesson for them to remember. I am building and nurturing more capable individuals. Punishments are dealt for failure to remember or follow past lessons. Ideally the sub becomes more capable over time at handling these issues and I patrol their actions and responses. Of course life and people aren't always ideal

As people have pointed out, you have monitor your involvement. If your sub starts destabilizing you, then you can't be the steady rock they need to hold on to. You will have to find a way to recenter, however that happens for you. Think strong foundations for tall acheivements. You are the pillar of strength that holds the weight, your weakest must be strong enough.

xwillowx{Not lookin} • Jan 31, 2020

Thank you for posting. I love hearing men's points of views in this matter. So often we women don't get to see the inner-working of your minds. You stated, "Meaning, what methods have you employed to keep yourself from getting too deep into you target submissives chaos in your attempts to unravel it."

That really struck a chord with me. It allowed me to see the other side of the coin. I wouldn't want to be a chaotic mess that needs unraveling. Your post caused me to take a different perspective on my attitude and HOW I am offering what I am offering to the man I am speaking with.

I was an Executive Assistant in a previous job and an ideal I kept was to bring him the solutions, not the problems. I think we submissives can also keep this mindset close to heart and be the solution, rather than the problem. And I don't mean in a way that subverts his authority, at all. But we are also not simply blobs of people. We can make concerted efforts to ensure our mindsets are such that we process and deal with life so it DOESN'T become a chaotic mess.

Again, thank you for your post!

MasterBear​(other butch) • Jan 31, 2020

I agree great question!

I think that I learned boundaries from my first wife, because she didn't have any.

I also have a real strong sense of what is my responsibility and what is their responsibility. This is something that I developed over time as I am always looking at behavior in terms of healthy or unhealthy.


It's a balance that I learned over time. As far as taking on too much. Yeah course I do that all the time. I had to learn how to dial it back. But other people drive so to speak.


As far as fixing things. I can't fix another person. That has to come from them. And if I attempt to try to fix them then what happens is I also take responsibility for that victory which is inherently unfair to them.


There are two thought processes that I keep in mind as I navigate through relationships. The first is a great quote from the movie Dirty Dancing. There's a point where Patrick Swayze is first working with Jennifer Grey. And he says this is my space. This is your space. It was a great Visual in understanding how emotional space of relationships work. There are things I am responsible for there are things you are responsible for.


The other was a book I read when I was around 16. It was called the seeker and the sought.

It was written for vanilla's, however it beautifully laid-out the concept of power exchange. It stays with me because in my first marriage my wife was the sought and I was the seeker. I remember how absolutely exhausting that was. So now I make sure to balance out those equations. Make myself available, become the seeker.


Be viscerally aware of boundaries and burn out.

bigolebubba​(dom male) • Jan 31, 2020

Thanks for putting thos out there and for all the replies. It has been of great help and assistance to me.

Dunimos​(dom male) • Feb 1, 2020

I appreciate your comments and input. I work very hard to keep my balance by setting guard rails for myself. Limits onnqhat o'Neill and will not do. I also agree with the notion that there must be some behavior from the sub that shows they are moving in the right direction.
My red flag is self destructive behavior. If she is unwilling or unable to stop, then there is no place for me in her life.

This is the negative side of the coin. Then, there is the exuberant side. When a submissive recognizes all that you offer and enthusiasm takes over. We also have to keep this in check. It is very potent to have someone completely dedicated to you and forgoes everything for you... it can be intoxicating and dangerous.

I find that space to be the sweet spot and a true test of myself.

Thanks.