Rules for both Dom/Sub

Rules for both Dom/Sub

CraftyLove​(sub female) • Feb 22, 2020

I have a question.
Are all rules just for the sub?
Or are there rules for both?
I personally believe there should be common ground rules so to speak that both have to follow as well as specific rules for the sub themselves.
But even more so if a Dom and sub come to a conclusion that the Dom needs to improve on something can there be rules for them specifically as well?
But back to my main focus....together rules.
Things that help equal the playing field as both people are consenting equal adults right?
For clarification Im talking about specifically online relationships
Examples like...
1.) Both persons will text the other upon waking up and before going to bed.
2.) Communication is key
3.) Family and children come first


Just curious what others dynamics are like.
Thank you!

AKittenforSir​(sub female){JohnBond} • Feb 22, 2020

(I’ll preface this by saying my answer is written with the assumption we’re talking about a power exchange couple.)

Yes and no.

Yes, I do believe that there are usually agreements made in which the Dom agrees to uphold certain standards and terms, not just the sub (every relationship is a two way street - even D/s relationships). My last blog post was actually about the agreements Sir and I have and many of them are things he agreed to, not just me.

But no, I wouldn’t call a Dom’s agreement to do certain things “rules.” The reason is because the sub is accountable to their Dom. So the sub’s “rules” are punishable by the Dom if broken. However, the Dom is accountable to themselves and therefore there aren’t punishments in place if they fail to uphold their end.

Of course there’s a potential consequence that the sub may terminate the relationship if the Dom does not uphold their end of the agreements made. But the sub isn’t going to sit their Dom down and say, “you broke this rule so...”

DaddyDrago​(dom male){LilAmethys} • Feb 23, 2020

I can say for ME I have never used "rules". For the reason stated above by AKittenforSir, rules are going to be broken. Whether by mistake or lack of information, or lack of training et cetera.

Structure on the other hand is a code. A discipline. Like.......yoga has poses. Like.......martial arts has moves and stances et cetera.

In a dynamic we have codes which we live by. If you're monogamous that is a code you share with one another. You may not write that down as something to strive for within the dynamic but the principle is sound all the same.
Structure pieces that I have written within each of my dynamics are something I must live up to as much as the s type in my care. If I set a protocol that says she must call me everyday at 4pm, regardless of what is going on in my schedule I clear that time up to make sure I am available for that call. We are both accountable to that protocol.
If I request that she wears her hair a certain way, or in a certain color I am the one that pays for it. I am the one that takes her to her stylist and makes sure it is pleasing to her. I am bound by the same protocol.
If I reinforce that she needs to meditate because it serves her, when she forgets, I am the one that notices and mets out discipline (not punishment....two totally separate things). I am just as much beholden to those protocols as she is.

To your point however, I have also included in my structures that which I will do.
I assure her we will scene weekly.
I write down that I am never given permission to withhold hugs, kisses, love, care, compassion, smiles et cetera from her under any circumstances regardless of any infraction I feel she needs to learn from.
I write down what I will do within our relationship to encourage and support our continued growth in the lifestyle, our community and our dynamic. Whether that is munches, play parties, MAsT meetings et cetera.
I write down that any journal entry she posts is free from judgment. She has the absolute right to have her voice and I do not get to question that. It is her safe space. Period.
I write down what I am responsible for and those things which we have negotiated that I should do.
I write down how I will take care of her. Financially how will I prepare for my departure if I should suddenly pass away? What if the relationship doesn't work how will we both separate amicably? Financially? Who will take the collars? What is our protocol? I am beholden to live up to whatever it is we decide.

The list goes on and on and on.

This is a relationship. A power exchange. What serves US is what matters the most. How that looks is between all parties. I have found it invaluable to show common courtesy and let your partner know what you are and sometimes are not putting into the relationship as far as the structure is concerned.
Again, to ME, structure belies a code of honor/ethics/morals/standards/protocols that EACH of us desire to live our lives TOGETHER in. It seems only fair that the submissive's needs, desires, requirements from their dominant be given a sound voice.
Notwithstanding that some, not all, may simply "take the word" of their d type and trust their character and integrity not desiring or needing from them any reassurance or input onto that structure.
Everyone's mileage will vary depending on how, what type of dynamic, comfort level and even space they're in within their given dynamics. As often, month three structure is different vastly from year three's structure.

Lossofalme • Feb 25, 2020

I wish I could like DaddyDrago's post twice.

You've got some great responses... I'll just add that yes; both sides of the slash have responsibilities because both sides of the slash are in a relationship together.

I don't know that I'd call those responsibilities "rules", but before I entered into a power exchange relationship I'd certainly want to sit and negotiate and make sure everyone was on the same page on teens of what they expected to give/receive.

If a sub feels like the Dom isn't "there" in the relationship, then they need to speak up (this could be about a skill the Dom lacks, about the Dom seemingly ignoring their sub's needs, the sun feeling hurt or unseen in some un-negotiated way, whatever). In my own dynamic, if there is something I need that my Dom isn't providing, I need to bring that up. If he then continues to not meet that need, we put that on the table and have a serious discussion so that we can move forward.

For me, the power exchange is based on trust, and without trust, I can't submit. If you've found yourself in a situation like the one you describe (a Dom that "doesn't" for whatever reason) you need to step back, have a serious discussion, and consider if this is a relationship you want to continue.

MasterBear​(other butch) • Feb 26, 2020

If the relationship is balanced and healthy there are rules on both sides.